Finding Religion in the Strangest Places

On Thursday evening I went to preview a new B Horror film my friend Bill Zebub wrote and produced. His film was funny, poignant and enlightening in between the massive quantity of pretty young girls being molested and killed by Jesus's enchanted corpse. While most might find a film like this odd and distasteful at first glance, for people such as myself who question religion as well as the legitimacy of biblical text and, who also have a passion for horror films, I found it to be genius. Bill uses sex, gore and humor to keep the audience's attention while educating and enlightening people about history as well as religion. At the core of the film there was a theme that women are superior to men in thought and ability. The film is a conundrum for any unintelligent viewer. But it was obvious to me that Bill has found a way to bring positive messages to the masses by using venues and themes that they are attracted to and comfortable with. I am extremely impressed with his work and look forward to the release of Zombie Christ in October of this year.

I had hoped for some one new to my life to join me specifically because he is Catholic as well as a Horror film fan. My conversations with him regarding my reasons for wanting him to go with me inspired this blog. I decided to piece together some of my thoughts and writings in regards to my own spiritual beliefs which are far from main stream.

I was raised Catholic but I have studied most major religions: Judaism, Buddhism, Wicca, Hinduism as well as a several of the mythologies; Roman, Norse, Greek, Mayan. I also found out recently that I am Jewish by birth on my mother's side, her family lost their religion in the Holocaust. She was raise Protestant and converted to Catholicism after marrying my father who was raised Catholic.

When I was young I wanted to become a Catholic Priest. I loved going to church on Sunday with my Nanny (father's mother). When I got older I did a lot of Catholic Ministry in my local area. I was allowed by the chaplain at my high school to proclaim the Gospel at one of our masses on a retreat. He confided in me that he thought I would have made a great priest. He also told me that many women had been priests as well as bishops and cardinals during the black plague. I asked why there was no record of them and why the church no longer allowed women to be ordained. He stated that during World War II the Catholic church didn't step in and stop the persecution of the Jews because they made an agreement with Hitler. All of the books that were burned and had been considered sacrilegious weren't all Jewish text. That a lot of the books were the records and accounts of the brave women who gave last rights to dying people all over Europe at a time when men feared being part of the church. Despite my sadness over what he told me I stayed with the church for another two years.

I went on another retreat that was a new concept for the church. It was a college retreat where part of the time we could ask questions about our faith because the church felt that people strayed away from the church at that age due to skepticism. The three priests who were running the retreat boldly boasted that between them they had over 100 years of priestly knowledge.
My first question to them was, " Why aren't women allowed to become priests?" Their reply was, " Because Jesus chose 12 male apostles." They went on to say, " But women can become nuns."

I then asked,"What are the main differences between a nun and a priest?" They replied,"A Priest can hear confessions and do last rights, they can prepare the body and blood of Christ and they can preach the Gospel according to God."

I then asked, " When Jesus walked his last walk on the cross who did he speak to?" Before they could answer, " I said according to our own Bible as well as stations of the cross; Jesus met his mother, Mary and Veronica who wiped his face on his last walk and they were the last people to hear his words, were they not?" "Yes," they agreed with me.

I then asked," And who was it that was sent to prepared Jesus's body for burial and proclaimed that Christ was God and he had risen?" Again before they could answer I stated, " Was it not Mary Magdalene and in some references include the "other Mary" who were sent to prepare the body of Christ and proclaimed the first Christian gospel that Christ had risen?"

I said,"So God chose two women to hear Jesus's last confession, God chose two women to prepare the body of our Lord and he chose two women to proclaim the first Gospel that Christ was in fact our Savior?"

They then asked me," Why did Jesus only choose male disciples?" I said," Because humanity was not fair to women at that time. They were not taught to read and write but men were. In order for the church to survive Jesus knew there needed to be messengers that could read and write. Why hasn't the church recognized women as society has progressed? More importantly why can a 19 year old uneducated woman see God's message so clearly when three priests with over 100 years of religious knowledge can not?"

And with that, question and answer session was over and so was my faith in the church. I love God with all my heart. I think Christ is an amazing holy figure. I also think that people like Mother Theresa are a sign of holy inspiration. But I am sad and disappointed in the concept of religion as a whole. I have not found one that suits me completely.

In my searches and studies I have also looked at the debate regarding science verses religion. My questions to those ends are: What if neither is completely wrong or right? What if they are not in juxtaposition to one another but actually confirm and compliment one another?

Judea-Christian beliefs say that God created man in his own image. Technically that Satan was an adversary who lead Adam, Eve and from certain accounts Lilith out of the proverbial Garden of Eden by eating fruit from the tree of knowledge.

What if God was a race from another planet; the leader of a project to find out their origin. What if Satan and the 1/3 of Angels thrown from this concept of Heaven were merely scientists who wanted to give humans knowledge they felt would give them an advantage during this project?

If ignorance is bliss this concept would hold true. Especially if you read the current versions of biblical stories.

As for Satan and his 1/3 of followers. It is then stated by Judea-Christian Biblical account that they spent 1,000 years upon the earth before God created "hell" and cast them into it. It was during this phase of human existence that mythologies became rampant. Several religions having similar and the same "Gods" came from all ends of the earth. Mayans, Romans, Greeks, Egyptian, Norwegian and Asian cultures which had no ways of communicating with one another all managed to come up with religious mythologies that mirror one another. Are we so simple to believe that this was a mere act of coincidence? What if indeed their beliefs were based on these greater beings who assisted God that had been cast aside? Beings that probably had knowledge of genetics, chemistry and other sciences. Beings that had no sense of obligation to order. Why is it so hard to believe that they might have used that knowledge to make animals that would not be seen anywhere else in history? Or super humans with powers unattainable by most during that period in history? Or to create land marks using advanced concepts of engineering and design that would out last the test of time as well as natural disasters?

It is then so hard to believe that in order to maintain the integrity of his project God would then create a cataclysmic event such as a flood to erase any damage that had been done after eliminating his adversaries from this realm? That Atlantis might have been a real place - the home to these beings. That in flooding the Earth depicted in the Biblical stories of Noah and his Ark would serve to remove all psychical evidence of these beings in an attempt to get the earth back on course. We are all aware that there are areas of our own planet so buried under water that we have no access to them and very little knowledge about their contents.

Then the world goes on for thousands of years, progressing slowly in technology and advancing at a rate normal for our species without incident as we flash forward to the late 1950's. The reports of Aliens landing on the planet. The creation of Area 51.

It is at this point in our existence that we go from technology advancing at the pace of a snail to that of a cheetah. We go from black and white television to broad casting pictures from the far depths of space in the time span of less then 50 years. When prior our advancement had been minimal at best over hundreds of thousands of years.

If we hold true to the concept that God created us in his image to find out the roots of his own origin and we couple that with the reports of Alien abduction as well as the prior evidence - Is it so hard to believe that both the religious views of God as well as some of the scientific concepts of our creation aren't in fact one and the same?

If God created us to be like him/her/it - is is so hard to believe that God would have a vested interest in us as a collective, in our well being, care and maintenance? Is it also such a far stretch that our own concepts of science would be so far from that of our creator(s)? If we are doing an experiment we monitor it's progression. Sometimes from a distant level based on desired results and sometimes with physical analysis which requires us to be present and to interact with our test subject.

We are electro-chemical beings. Even the concept of a spirit can be assimilated to the knowledge that energy can not be created or destroyed it merely changes form. What if just as there is on earth an energy source from which all souls or (energy forces) come from. It is so described in Jewish mysticism as "The Guff of Souls" also depicted in the movie The Seventh Sign. If we do in fact have a source of energy that gives each one of us life the concept of ghosts, reincarnation, past lives, heaven and, hell as well as the concept of life after our earthly existence is probable. What if the determination of the transformation of our energy is based on the chemical reactions and actions our bodies produce during our time here? What if just as we have control in our lives here - once we die our beliefs, actions and, desires dictate what our energy transforms into?

I chose to take human experience as evidence when making a basis for my own decisions about my creator. When you look at not just religion or science but at the history of human experiences as a whole, a lot of different aspects of our lives have common threading that intertwines across all boarders.

And so far in my short time here I believe that religion is the corset to the soul, that it was created by earthly leaders to control the masses. The concept of be good now and get a reward when you die just sounds like one of those email scams from South Africa. Just a little to good to be true and not something I am willing to buy into. I am also saddened by the fact that religious beliefs have killed more people through out history then any other reason for war combined. But it does not negate the thought that I do believe that some greater being created me or that even though I am very much an ant upon this spinning rock to most, that occasionally I am a blip on God's radar. That I couldn't possibly know all there is to know about life and/or death.

But that is me, those are my thoughts, I am an individual and how I find God is different from the way the other 8 billion people on this earth do. Many people need religion, they need the sense of structure it provides as well as the community. Yet many other people need the comfort and security of tangible evidence in order to place their trust in any thing. It is this individuality that makes us amazing creatures.

Ghandi said it best, "God is an elephant in a dark room, a Jew may touch his tusk and say that God is hard and smooth, a Buddhist may touch his skin and argue that he is rough and dry and yet a Christian his tail and tell the others God is soft and fluffy. They will sit around this room and dispute that they are right and the others are wrong when in fact it would be more prudent to celebrate the fact that despite the darkness, they each found God, all in their own way."

However one thing we should focus on is that we have all been given the gift of life. If there is a greater being responsible, big bang, or even if it is just our parents who are the reason we are here we should be thankful for that blessing and the opportunities it provides us all.

Top 10 Things To Be Leary of When Dealing with Men from Online Dating Sites

1. No real substance to the profile 
Most online dating sites offer you space to write something about yourself, what you are seeking etc. Any man who doesn't take time to fill that out but states he is seeking something serious is a serious liar. If he can't put a modicum of effort into writing about himself or what he wants chances are that is the level of commitment you will get from him in a relationship - zilch.

2. Lights, Camera, What about the Fucking Picture?
Any man with out a photo is hiding something or doesn't like the way he looks. 9 times out of 10 a guy who has pictures but won't put them up on a dating website is married or attached. If he doesn't have enough confidence to put up pictures then keep walking - men like that are as loyal as their options darling. Also be weary of guys who have caps on (no hair) or they think they are "gangsta," no real pictures just photos of themselves in a car or in a bathroom (they either have no life or they don't want some one to recognize them from real life photos they took), the one picture wonder (come on you are how many decades old and you have one recent picture of yourself?) and any of the following: pictures of their car, house, with other women, with their shirt off etc etc any thing tactless or tasteless (chances are this feeds into other areas of their life or they are insecure about their "manhood")

3. Any Guy Contacting You That Lives More Then 50 Miles Away
Any man that lives outside your normal range of driving that contacts you is either potentially desperate or a scam artist. And unless he is amazing - good looking, great stats etc etc etc and is willing to come to you for the first couple of dates-shit can him at the website.


4. Any Man With More Obligations Then He Can Afford
I have gotten hit on by men who made less then $30k a year and had 3 or more children with another woman or women. No offense but assholes like that need to put their cock back in their pants and pay for their kids before they try to hook up and make another one. I have also met men who were emotionally obligated. If a man approaches you and is still attached to his mother (living with mommy is a big no no after 25), an ex-girlfriend or female best friend (oh you say she's just a friend, yes you say she's just a friend) Guess what darling you will always be number 2,3,4 or 5 in this man's life. Remember if you are going to give up your freedom for one man make sure he is worth it and don't waste your time on the Monkeys; They can't let go of the last vine till they cling to the next one ~.o. Put all of these guys in the "friend" category and move on sister.


5. Any Man Who Tries To Rush the Dating Process
This world is a scary, fucked up place. As my friend Mike says, "Necrophilia, pedophilia and bestiality aren't illegal because women are sick it is because some men will do just about anything in regards to sex when they have no moral compass." Any man who doesn't think you are worth waiting to meet and get to know isn't looking for anything long term. Chances are he wants to 4F you (find you, fondle you, fuck you, forget you). Even worse when men know they can control your actions especially in the beginning of a relationship the manipulation will only get worse from there on out. Worst case scenario is this is not a safe person to be with. Leave him at the keyboard - there are 8billion people in the world and half of them have cocks, if you are lucky you will meet one that only has one and isn't one too boot.

6. Any Man Who has Discrepancies from His Profile to What He Tells You When You Are Talking
This is a clear cut liar. I would suggest keeping his profile up in the browser while chating or imming with him. Ask him pertinent questions about some of the things he has written with out sounds accusing. If it seems like he doesn't seem like his profile portrays him, kindly tell him you must go and then block him. There is truth to Liar Liar pants on fire - means that men will say anything they think you want to hear because they are hot under the belt!

7. Men Who Log Into The Site Every Day
This is a sign they either have no life or they are a consummate player looking for their next piece of ass. Most sites will tell you how often men log in. Most sites also tell you when and if they looked at your profile. If you are at the point where you are chating outside the dating site via aim, yahoo etc and/or you have met but he is still logging in every day and not checking you out, it means there is some one else he is looking at. Ladies never make a man a priority when you are simply an option to him. When the right man comes along he will only have eyes for you. Don't settle for anything less, remember you deserve and should demand better.

8. Any Man Who Doesn't Earn Enough To Sustain A Family
Do I believe in women's Lib? Hell Yeah! But I also believe in man's responsibility as well. If a man wants to be the head of a household and have a family, it is a luxury he should be able to afford. I do not believe that women should settle for a man who can not earnestly take care of obligations he wants and desires with out the assistance of a woman. Quite often people use the expression "eyes bigger then your stomach" when referring to food. I have often met men whose "dreams were more then their wallet could afford." I believe a man's earnings are in direct proportion to his efforts in education and pursuit of dreams. If a man has passed the age of 30 and is still making less then $50k a year, he will most likely never be able to afford a house or family with out your income and chances are if you decide you want out at some point you won't be able to afford it. Dating is just like fishing; throw the small ones back or use them as bait to catch the big fish. ~.o

9. Sexual or Stupid Handles
Any man who has LUVSEMBIG, WEIRDO101 or MOMMASBOI as his profile handle just keep going. If they message you click the block button. I always ask the men who contact me how they pick their profile name. This is the best chance to get some insight into how they think. If it is anything childish, immature or perverted - you are better then that, no scraping the bottom of the barrel. Remember ladies these profiles are a reflection of how men act in real life. If you find the profile or their messages rude, sophomoric or over all beneath your intelligence level; be brave and remember there are plenty of better men out there don't settle!

10. Any Man Who Can Not Make Decent Conversation Over the Internet
If the guy doesn't have anything to say or talk about and/or he can't even peak your interest on line - it doesn't get better in real life. Chances are it will be worse. There is also a chance that he just doesn't care and that is more dangerous then worse. It is a sign of a loser and a user. As the old saying goes don't settle for some one you can live with, hold out for some one you can't live with out.

Best advice I can give to all women who are still single and even some of you who are in relationships: Think about your freedom. If you were asked to sell it tomorrow, what price tag would you put on it? How much do you think would be a fair offer for the trade to do as you please with your life? Once you come up with a number in your head, keep it there. Every time you meet a potential mate think about whether or not you would trust him with that amount of money. Until you find a man worth that level of trust do not make a commitment to any one but yourself and keep your freedom. Too many women in this day and age settle and it hurts our society. We allow men to behave in manners that we find deplorable for the sake of security and company. We trade it all in for the hope of a ring, a white dress and stale cake being mushed in our face. Truth is we don't need men, they do, however, need us, always remember that. If you act like a prize men will treat you as such. Never settle for anything less then what you are worth. The only way we will get men to change how they treat us in this world is if we band together in sisterhood and stop accepting mediocrity. God Bless ~.o

Nothing is Ever Permanent & Patience Has it's Virtues

It's been five days since I had a chance to write. My life has been a bit off kilter. I have several men and one woman who want to spend time with me. Which is flattering to say the least. However I am not quite sure how to handle it all. I think this is why I never did the traditional dating thing and just kind of hung out with my friends until some one came a long and we liked each other.
There is some one now in my life that I want to get to know. Some one I want to spend time with but to be honest I don't think he is interested. He is sweet and deep in his thoughts. He puts up this tough exterior but I know that it's only because he can be hurt easily. I am sure he knows I like him. I am not one who hides her feelings well.
As for the rest of them. Two are exes so we all know where those are going to lead to. One is a guy I had a huge crush on in high school and as much as I want to develop feelings for him, his life style scares the hell out of me so I won't let it get that deep. One other guy is new and I do like him but certain things he says are a big detraction. Like he doesn't want to have children. It's not like I am running to a fertility clinic on date number four to seek out some options but at the same time I would like to know that if I develop feelings for this guy it might be possible once we hit that "Let's Build a Future," phase of the relationship. The girl, lmao the girl can't be anything permanent or serious. As per her own definition. She has goals, plans to go to get her masters in Arizona of all places. I can not move plus I have a sneaking suspicion that she doesn't want anything serious due to the fact that she is in love with her best friend, whether or not she realizes it. I did realize it on our date this past Sunday because her best friend was the majority of what she talked about. But all of these people are cool and I want to hang out with all of them and enjoy the time I spend with them.
That still leaves my conundrum of how to deal with my feelings for Mr. X.  He is in such a place in my life that I can not avoid or ignore him nor would I want to just because he does not feel that same way about me that I do for him. But in my heart and my head there are people that God places in my life that I just have this burning desire to get to know. Mr. X is one of them.
Every once in a while I come across some one who instinctively I know has a deeper meaning in my life then is obvious on the surface.
It happened when I met Dan Fluccavento when he was fifteen years old, who is now and has been my brother's best friend for most of his life. It occurred again when I met Stephen Zabaroski who lived with my family after his mother died for four years. So many people who have had such an impact on my life. But sadly due to professionalism and rules set in place I have to handle this person with kid gloves.
So I will write about Mr. X and bide my time. Nothing is ever permanent and patience has it's virtues.

Reaching out for something to hold, looking for a love where the climate is cold manic moves and drowsy dreams or living in the middle between the two extremes smoking guns hot to touch would cool down if we didn't use them so much we're soul alone and soul really matters to me too much you're out of touch I'm out of time but I'm outta my head when you're not around

~Hall & Oats

 

Boys Will Be Boys But I Want A Man

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Diamonds in the Rough

We build who we are each moment at a time. Every thought we have translates into an action even if it is inaction. Each action we take becomes a decision. Each decision we make helps shape our character. Our character will define what kind of life we will lead. The type of life we lead will cement how we effect our world. How we effect world will distinctly specify how it is we are remembered. How do you want to be remembered?

I find myself often thinking about the end result first and the best course of action second. I have found this method to be the most successful in my dealings. Quite often we meander, we linger without direction and purpose in life and to those that continue to do that regularly I would ask, "How often do you get in your car with no idea of where you want to go?"
‎"How many times have you packed a bag and driven to the airport with no idea of where you are going, no trip planned and no ticket purchased?" 'Why should the rest of our lives be any different then our travel plans?" "How can we expect to have our goals and accomplishments realized with out a carefully laid plan?" Granted while we can not control everything, we can develop a course of action that will assist us as a map to reach what ever our promise land may be. We can put into place safety guards for incidentals and unexpected derailments. Most importantly we can enlist the assistance of others who will be there to support and guide us along our journey.
Life doesn't offer a dress rehearsal, you get one ticket to your life. Choose how you live it carefully. Treat the people God has placed in your life like the fragile gifts that they are. Unlike milk none of us has an expiration date stamped on our tummy. We never know how or when the people we love will be taken from us. Value the time you are given because it is the most precious gift you will ever have bestowed upon you.

It was a hot Summer day in August. I was so excited to go to Nanny and Poppy's apartment because I love spending time with my Poppy. Nanny was on a plane to California to see Great Aunt Ruby and Great Aunt Mavis. It was a gift from Poppy for her birthday.
We were supposed to be painting the apartment with him. He wanted to surprise her when she got home because she had been asking him to do it for a while. When Poppy realized how hot it was going to be that day he gave my dad some money and told him to take us to the beach.
It was the most wonderful day. You see my dad didn't do stuff with us often. Most of the time he was too busy or couldn't be bothered and it was just us kids with my mom. It was the first time I can remember us ever doing anything as a family. We went on the board walk got pizza and cheese fries. When we got home the phone was ringing. Mom and Dad were still getting my brother Al and my sister Jen in the house so I was the first one to answer the phone. It was my Aunt Adriane, my father's sister, she was hysterically crying and kept saying put mommy and daddy on the phone. Dad got on the phone and he soon started to cry. My Poppy had a heart attack that afternoon not long after we left. I was told years later he had gotten to a phone and dialed 911. The day that was one of the greatest days of my life also became the saddest because my Poppy passed away. For a long time my aunts and father all blamed themselves for not being there. Everything in life has purpose. Poppy was a proud man and it was probably for the best that his family only saw him as a strong person and not in his hour of need.
Till this very day every one in my family misses my grandfather, Poppy. He was a strong man, very guarded to the outside world but he loved his family dearly.  He taught me about politics, art, music and culture and the most important thing of all, not to take my life or my freedom for granted. While he had no more then an eight grade education he was a wise, cultured man and well rounded in his knowledge. He was always learning, always experiencing new things to try to better himself and his family meant the world to him.

So many people in this world never think about who it is that they want to be in their lives. What they want to get out of their experiences while they are here. They waste their time, energy and emotion on things that are of no value to them in the long run.
As a society we allow ourselves to be repressed by religion, government and the media. We let those entities tell us who to be, how we should think and we allow them to often define our lives. If we stopped for just one moment and left all of the presidential elections, coca cola commercials and religious ideologies behind and were left to our own devices; What is it that we would do? Who is it that you would want to be?
I used to think that I needed to do something amazing in this world in order to make a difference.  That anything less then spectacular would be considered mediocre by most standards. As I have progressed through my life I have learned the value of making a small difference in some one's life.
In 2003 I became a mother. It was the most unbelievable and eye opening experience I have had in my life thus far. My daughter Guinevere opened my heart and my mind to so many new ideas. My opinion never mattered so much to any one before. Having a child is like ripping off a piece of your heart and allowing it to run around naked outside your chest. My capacity to love has grown so much in the six almost seven years since Guinevere was born. She inspires me to want to be a better person. She has made me a better daughter to my parents if only because I now know how they have felt my whole life. While things are not perfect.
There are times when we argue and fight but my family loves me. They are the only people who will be there to support me no matter what I go through. They will forgive me and care for me no matter how I act.
I guess my point is that you can decide how you want to relate to this world. I have always stated that while you can not control what happens to you, you can control how you respond to it.
So often in life we spend so much time wandering we never see the diamond mines we have at home.

 Acres of Diamonds

Old African Proverb

An African farmer had becomequite bored with his life and the rocky soil he had chosen to till.
He had read that diamonds were being discovered in abundance and the idea of finding millions of dollars worth of diamonds got him so excited that he sold his farm and headed out.
He wandered all over the African continent; the years slipped by as he searched for the diamonds and wealth that he never found.
Meanwhile, the new owner of his farm picked up an unusual looking rock about the size of a country egg and put it on his mantle as a sort of curiosity. A visitor stopped by and told the
new owner of the farm that the funny looking rock on his mantle was just about the biggest diamond that had ever been found. The owner of the property told him that “. . .the whole
farm is covered with them – I’ve been kicking them out from under my mule.”
With that the new owner of the property sold many of the diamonds and used his profit to benefit the small town. When the prior owner returned home broke and tired he saw that the new owner of his farm had become a rich king.

Never go in search of the world's riches until you have explored your own back yard.

Importance

Jayme Lin Rose

In the positions that I have held, in the home that I once dwelled, in the car that I once drove, no meaning do these things hold

In the grace that I once gave, my helping hand did save, important these things are, not my home, my money, nor my car

Never Your Average Joe

A few years ago when I had just become a mother I spent a lot of time in AOL chat rooms (Seems like forever ago). Since Guine was so small going to bars and meeting people wasn't an option. I started seeing a computer programmer from central New Jersey named Bruce. After him and I had started dating I met Joe in the same chat room. I was sold the concept that Bruce and I  had a future together but I really liked talking to Joe. I agreed to meet Joe for drinks.
Joe is a politically incorrect, mans man. He likes his wings hot and his beer cold and back then I didn't know how to handle a guy like that. I was all about my independence and being heard as a woman (RAWR!). We agreed at some point in the beginning of our relationship that it would be simply a casual thing. It worked for me because I really like Bruce and thought of him as potential life partner material. Joe lived local so when I didn't want to drive the forty minutes to see Bruce or if Bruce was busy I could call Joe.
Eventually both the relationships dissipated and I moved on with my life. Recently Joe and I got back in touch through AOL again. I hadn't logged into my AIM messenger for years. Mostly because I was engaged and I had also found other online forms of communication that are easier to use. I only logged in because I joined a dating site and one of the guys who was interested in me asked me to chat via AOL.
Joe immed me unsure of whether or not I would remember him. Of course I did, the sex between the two of us was always amazing. Joe was always great in the bed room. He commanded presence, knew what he wanted and how he wanted it. Our online chatting went on back and forth for about three weeks. We kept missing one another until he finally caught me at my computer one day and asked me to meet him for drinks. At first I was a little hesitant with meeting up with Joe. I am at a point in my life where random casual dates that often lead to sexual encounters just are not what I consider to be my bread and butter of dating or relationships. As much as I kept putting off meeting Joe for drinks, he persisted. I after our first meet I did let him know I hoped things might be different this time around. He started making excuses about his ex-fiance' how he wasn't over her and I quickly retorted, "Joe I didn't ask for a ring I was just hoping you would take me out to eat every once in a while before we have sex." He laughed and I think my humor and lack of any real expectation from him was what he needed to hear.
Joe is a prominent business man in a neighboring community from my own. His family has been part of the local community for generations. His work is definitely his mistress if not his wife. He is rough and edgy. He speaks his mind without fear of reprisal and he is completely unorthodox in his thinking. I love the fact that while he often says things that would piss most people off in mixed company, he is his own person. He even calls himself a douche bag which I find hysterical. He knows that he makes people angry with how he acts and what he says but he doesn't care. It is a large part of what draws me to him.
This world is filled with J.Crew and Abercrombie boys that are cookie cutter morons. They follow socially acceptable trends closer then paparazzi follows Lindsay Lohan after she has just gotten out of a rehab clinic. Guys like that make me sick. They are the general populous that exists in the United States and the sole reason that women like me are still single.
Joe is different. He is old school. His tan is from working outside not from sitting his ass on some beach in a speedo. His body is toned and fit not because he works out in some gym six days a week but because he does hard labor for his business. He has this pair of ripped shorts that he loves because they fit just right and he doesn't care how they look to others. He smokes cigarettes and drinks regular beer which these days is considered uncultured by the upper echelone of society, but he could give a fuck less. He was raised right in the fact he holds the door for me, he carries anything heavy I need help with and I never have to worry about paying for anything. I want for nothing when I am with him. As a modern woman I shamefully admit that I love that side of him. I love feeling like I am safe and taken care of and that I don't have to worry about a god damn thing.
He is the kind of man that wouldn't hesitate to kick some one ass or at least try to if they got out of line no matter the situation. He keeps his feelings hidden which makes the fact that he is now opening up to me so much more meaningful. He makes me laugh uncontrolably when we are together. His humor is a staple in his personality. And while sex isn't always gentle and it certainly doesn't look like a love scene in a romantic comedy, his passion is real and amazing. I never feel self conscience about my body or fear that he will judge my imperfections when we are together. His confidence and enthusiasm make me feel at easy no matter where we are or what we are doing.
Where as when we dated prior I felt like an option to him and he was an option for me; now it feels very different.
He keeps in constant communication with me even though it's only been a short time we have been talking again. He is affectionate in public where he wasn't prior. Now he is sharing his life stories with me when before if I asked a question he felt was too personal he would simply reply, "What are you writing a book?" Sad part is if he said that now I could answer yes where as I could not back then.
Yesterday we agreed to meet up for dinner and an evening at a nice hotel. He told me he would pick me up around four o'clock pm. I put my cell phone on silent so I could take a nap. He called me around two pm because he wanted to pick me up early. From two pm to four pm he called nineteen times and sent eight text messages. This is not the same Joe I knew five years ago. He was seriously worried about me. I am not used to that level of concern from most men and I surely didn't expect it from Joe. He cuddles, he holds my hand even if I don't reach out for his. He is open and loving and while I am not quite sure what has changed nor do I care, it is a wonderful difference.
I have no clue where things will lead this time but to be honest I don't care either. Any time he gives me I enjoy. I am really grateful that we reconnected and that things are contrary to how they were prior. Regardless both ways he was never your average Joe.

St. Peter at the Gate
by Joseph Bert Smiley

St. Peter stood guard at the golden gate
With a solemn mien and air sedate.
When up to the top of the golden stair
A man and a woman ascending there.
Applied for admission, they came and stood
Before St. Peter, so great and good.
In hopes the City of Peace to win –
And asked St. Peter to let them in.

The woman was tall, and lank and thin,
With a scraggy beard-let upon her chin.
The man was short and thick and stout,
His stomach was built so it rounded out.
His face was pleasant and all the while
He wore a kindly and genial smile.
The choirs in the distance the echoes woke,
And the man kept still while the woman spoke:

“O, thou who guards the gate,” said she,
“We two come hither beseeching thee
To let us enter the heavenly land
And play our harps with the angel band.
Of me, St. Peter, there is no doubt,
There is nothing from heaven to bar me out.
I’ve been to meeting three times a week,
And almost always I’d rise to speak.

“I’ve told the sinners about the day
When they’d repent of their evil way.
I’ve told my neighbors — I’ve told them all –
‘Bout Adam and Eve and the primal fall.
I’ve shown them what they’d have to do
If they’d pass in with the chosen few.
I’ve marked their path of duty clear –
Laid out the plan for their whole career.

“I’ve talked and talked to ‘em loud and long,
For my lungs are good and my voice is strong.
So, good St. Peter, you will clearly see
The gate of heaven is open for me.
But my old man, I regret to say,
Hasn’t walked in exactly the narrow way;
He smokes and he swears, and grave faults he’s got,
And I don’t know whether he’ll pass or not.

“He never would pray with an earnest vim,
Or go to revival, or join in a hymn.
So I had to leave him in sorrow there
While I, with the chosen, united in prayer.
He ate what the pantry chanced to afford,
While I, in my purity, sang to the lord.
And if cucumbers were all he got,
It’s a chance if he merited them or not.

“But oh, St. Peter, I love him so,
To the pleasures of heaven please let him go.
I’ve done enough — a saint I’ve been,
Won’t that atone? Can’t you let him in?
By my grim gospel, I know ’tis so
That the unrepentant must fry below;
But isn’t there some way you can see
That he may enter whose dear to me?

“It’s a narrow gospel by which I pray,
But the chosen expect to find some way
Of coaxing, or fooling, or bribing you,
So that their relations can amble through.
And say, St. Peter, it seems to me
This gate isn’t kept as it ought to be.
You ought to stand right by the opening there,
And never sit down in that easy chair.

“And say, St. Peter, my sight is dimmed,
But I don’t like the way your whiskers are trimmed;
They’re cut too wide, and outward toss,
They’d look better narrow, cut straight across.
Well, we must be going our crown to win.
So open, St. Peter, and we’ll pass in!”

St. Peter sat quiet, and stroked his staff,
But in spite of his office he had to laugh,
Then said, with a fiery gleam in his eye,
“Who’s tending this gateway — you or I?”
Then he arose in his stature tall,
And pressed a button upon the wall.
And said to an imp, who answered the bell,
“Escort this lady around to hell.”

The man stood still as a piece of stone –
Stood sadly, gloomily there alone.
A life-long settled idea he had
That his wife was good and he was bad.
He thought, if the woman went down below,
That he would certainly have to go –
That if she went to the regions dim,
There wasn’t a ghost of a show for him.

Slowly he turned, by habit bent,
To follow wherever the woman went.
St. Peter, standing in duty there,
Observed that the top of his head was bare.
He called the gentleman back, and said,
“Friend, how long have you been wed?”
“Thirty years ” (with a weary sigh),
And then he thoughtfully added, “Why? ”

St. Peter was silent. With head bent down,
He raised his hand and scratched his crown.
Then seeming a different thought to take,
Slowly, half to himself, he spake:
“Thirty years with that woman there?
No wonder the man hasn’t any hair!
Swearing is wicked, smoking not good,
He smoked and swore — I should think he would,
Thirty years with that tongue so sharp!
Ho! Angel Gabriel! Give him a harp.
A jeweled harp with a golden string!
Good sir, pass in where the angels sing!

Gabriel, give him a seat alone –
One with a cushion — up near the throne.
Call up some angels to play their best,
Let him enjoy the music and rest!
See that on finest ambrosia he feeds,
He’s had about all the hell he needs.
It isn’t just hardly the thing to do,
To roast him on earth and the future too.”

They gave him a harp with golden strings,
A glittering robe and a pair of wings,
And he said, as he entered the Realm of Day,
“Well, this beats cucumbers, any way.”
And so, the scripture had come to pass,
That “the last shall be first and the first shall be last.”

A Rose Among Thorns

When I was 16 years old I played Mother Abyss in our Church's production in the Sound of Music. One of my lines in the play was, "My dear when God shuts a door he always opens a window."

That saying has stuck with me through out my life and pulled me through some very rough situations. Recently I was involved in a relationship and had hoped it would be more then a passing fling. Unfortunately he really wasn't ready for a real commitment and even if he had been I doubt we would have had longevity due to some of our personality issues.

I began to allow myself to really feel as if I was not going to ever find an earnest man who would be a good match for me. I have often felt that in life. Almost as if I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Aside from that this world is filled with people more concerned with social precepts and images then they are with the grounded important factors. Finding a man who is a good fit for me as a partner who is also the type of person I would want to commit myself to is not an easy combination to find.

I often feel that too many people are jaded, they are shallow and uncaring, selfish and unwilling to look beyond their own wants and needs. As much as I love human kind we are filled with flaws and growth possibilities that often go unrealized and I include myself in that statement.

Meeting some one who has walked through the proverbial fire, some one who has learned from it and who has not shut them self off from their feelings and emotions is almost impossible to find. Well to be quite honest I just didn't think that type of person even existed any more.

When I reflect upon the fires I have seen in my own travels I recount that I have been lied to, treated callously, defamed, threatened and treated in countless other inhuman ways. We all have to some extent. Being who I am seems to attract that type of behavior because like the brave fool I continue to put my heart on my sleeve and give people a chance regardless of whether my better judgment tells me I should not. I try to remain to unguarded and open myself up to the people God places in my life. At times this has led me down some very hard roads that are much less traveled by most I assume. At times, times like now when I get to witness and be part of some of God's most amazing handy work it restores my faith and mends the damage that has been done prior.

A very long time ago I learned from life that the out side of a person is never ever an indicator as to what lies beneath the surface. In my own life I have been tried, judged and convicted and never in a court of law. These sentences passed on to me sometimes unknowingly by my peers, my family and by most of society.

As many may try to tear me down for living my life and making my own decisions, there are, on occasion people who don't act and react as most would. These people are truly rare in nature and content. Almost like finding a four leaf clover among the grass this rare breed of person must be coveted above all others.

In our daily comings and going we meet so many people. Often not even beginning to skim the surface of getting acquainted with most of them. More focused on our tasks at hand then truly being thankful for the real beauty God shows us each and every day. How often I wonder that the unique gift of each person we are given is squandered and lost either through lack of forethought or because of fear. How many opportunities we miss because of carelessness.

I chuckle a bit to myself because the popular phrase of stopping to smell the roses now takes on a whole new meaning. I will write again soon if for no other reason then I have found a rose among the thorns.

Daring Men To Excel

About a year ago I found myself in the middle of a laughable situation. In certain arena's of my life I am surrounded by men. Quite often a group of male friends have all made moves toward getting to know me. I am fun, flirty and out going so it happens quite often.

One was at least honest and told me he was attached but wanted to meet me in NYC for tea. While I always want to be hopeful that men want to befriend me, his reaction to me making a comment about the meeting in front of his girlfriend led me to believe that he his intentions were not as innocent as he would have had me believe.

The second of the five friends was odd and seemed to me to be a "player", aside from that he lives on the opposite coast and I can not see myself making a commitment to some one that far away from me - anything more then a thousand miles distance is too much. Plus when being nice to this person he always assumed I was hitting on him  how narcissistic.

The third of these men is engaged and got "cock blocked" (his phrase not mine) by his best man unintentionally. (Intentionally? hmmm not sure but humorous none the less)

The "best man," well he was off to a great start with me but forgot to divulge some pertinent information also. Turns out he has some one in his life that he has been seeing as well. While the fact that he is seeing some one might not have wavered my feelings for him, his lack of honesty in the situation did irreparable damage to the trust I had in him. Right along with the others I soon placed him in the "friend only" box on my proverbial check list of men in my life.

The last and the truly greatest of all these guys didn't hit on me at all. In fact he tried to help hook me up with the best man because he knew I liked him. He put his own wants, needs and feelings aside for his friend and remained honorable and loyal. Rather then seeking his own selfish interests he looked out for the person (people) he cares for.

I think the most ironic part of all this is that the rest of them are sadly confused about how I decided that he was the one I wanted to focus on getting to know. They all can not seem to accept that I am interested in developing a deeper relationship with him. While he isn't as G.Q. as his fellow mates or even as worldly, he is miles beyond their abilities to attract a woman such as myself. Not that I am anything amazing or special but I do not respond to much of the mainstream behavior that is seen in people today in regards to courtship. The way I have been handled by these men, treated just like they have treated other women leaves me discontented with them and not attracted toward any advances from them other then mere friendship.

Any intelligent woman self aware, able and capable of taking care of her business and affairs does not respond to most typical male behavior. I have all the boys I need trying to get in my pants as most women do in life. However I have very few men who genuinely are willing to just be my friend and respect me as a person.

It reminds me of the old television show Friends, specifically when the character Rachel was presented with the decision to chose between being with Joey or Ross. Joey's character was sexy, suave but always had been the type of man who took women for granted. Ross while being quiet, shy and uncomfortable around women, was always there to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. In the end he got the girl that was every one's sweet heart. It is merely that simple.

So I challenge you - all of you who may read this. I dare you to be different. I dare you to excel beyond your other male counter parts.

If you respect a woman, she will return that respect ten fold if she is good and worthy.

If you befriend her and you are candid with her with out fear of reprisal and she truly is a mature adult, you will have her loyalty and dedication above and beyond normal parameters.

If you stop talking and thinking about your own needs and focus on her, she most likely will fall head over heels for you no matter what your lot in life is.

The Jest

Thoughts are solid, my grounding is strong
You wish for apologies that just don't belong
You sought to use me, to hurt me, to play your sweet games
Did you think your affiliation to me would bring you some fame?
The callousness you've shown me under the guise of romance
Do you think that would make any one give you a chance?
I'd prefer to be kicked, beaten down like pet
Rather then the object of a joke or a bet
Should I lie there and take it, no voice of my own
With each small infraction my distemper has grown
Now you are shocked and upset, in despair you just sit
After in your own way having treated me like some twit
I am sorry I was not honest, my intelligence held close my vest

I am sorry that while you desired to fool me, you yourself were the jest

Calling All Kindness: Prince Charming Really Does Exist

Our tale my friends begins on a common Autumn day just like any other. A young, pregnant woman was on her way to interview yet another pediatrician. This one was referred to her by a friend, her Doula Laura. She trusted Laura's advice and was hoping that this the eighth interview she was doing would be her last in her search for the best care provider for her baby. She was nervous because it seemed that every doctor she had come in contact with lately had problems surrounding them. Her OB/GYN lost her malpractice insurance and six months into her pregnancy she had to changes doctors after twelve years. This alone devastated her. Even more up setting was that the Neonatal Specialist she was referred to had thrown her birthing plan back at her and told her to go find a midwife. All of the pediatricians she had interviewed all ready had been cold or distant as well as insensitive in one way or another.
All of this swirled around her mind along with the hopes that this would be the doctor for her daughter. Having twenty years in practice and coming recommended from Laura, he had to be, "the one."
Her trip started out just fine but then she started having contraction while driving. She had been really worried about her water breaking in the car and being alone when the baby came. She knew it was too early for delivery and between her contractions and thoughts some where she took a wrong turn and got lost. She quickly began calling every one she knew on her cell phone to see if they could give her directions. After calling her brother, her best friend, her mom all of which knew the area well, it dawned on her to call the doctor's office. By this point she was very panicked and scared. While panic attacks were nothing new to her, being alone, driving and having false labor added to the stress of the situation.
Upon calling the doctor's office to explain the situation and apologize for being late too meet with the doctor the office assistant who answered the phone told her that some one on staff could help guide her to the office. A young man came on the line and asked her to describe her surroundings. He must have heard the panic in her voice because he calmly reassured her that he would stay on the phone with her until she knew where she was and was confident that she could find the office. There was a sense of strength in his voice as he guided her. She quickly calmed down and her panic as well as her contractions soon subsided. While she has no proof she knows in her heart that this man had saved her as well as her baby from a potentially tragic and life threatening situation. She knew before even walking into the office that there was something special about the young man on the phone.
Upon her arrival she asked the front desk nurse who the nice young man on the phone was so that she could thank him. "Oh, that is Dr. Fisch, he is new here, since you are late you will have to wait for Dr. Bacha, would you like to talk to Dr. Fisch while you are waiting?" she replied.
That is when I met one of the most amazing and impressive men I have had the pleasure of knowing thus far in my life. On that day we spent about two hours talking about everything from his education to parenting styles to our backgrounds. Since then he is an avid partner in helping me raise my daughter Guinevere. I often feel guilty because sometimes during our office visits when she is healthy I feel like our bond becomes the main focus of the visit rather then her. Quite often our conversations start out with Guine and move on to our commons views parenting as well as other arenas of our lives.
He has always made sure to keep his professional distance to some degree but he has never abandoned me when I have reached out to him for emotional support or advice. While I am so lucky to have him as her pediatrician a small part of me wishes we had met under different circumstances. He is one of those people you can talk to for hours and never get bored or discontented. He is genuine in his care and concern for others.  Internally he is such a beautiful and loving person and externally he is strikingly handsome.

Upon meeting him I realized that Prince Charming doesn't just exist in fairy tales and Disney movies, well at least for me.

Letters to the Doctor

About seven years ago I met Doctor Scott D. Fisch. Despite the fact that he was fresh out of medical school I chose him as my daughter's pediatrician. This was mostly due to the fact that he and I bonded even before we met face to face. He quickly became my confidant and friend not just in raising my daughter but for other arenas in my life as well. We exchange emails between Guinevere's visits, mostly when I need sage advice from some one who is not a main character in my life. Scott and I have always been candid with one another. However, now more so then ever I have started to open up to him about some of my more intimate thoughts and emotions.This was my most recent retort in our correspondence as I have been finding comfort in him while revitalizing my dating agenda:

"I made a poignant decision. I stopped dating to find a soul mate. I stopped looking at people and their profiles in the manner of; would this person be a good father or life partner. I decided that for all I do as a mom for Guine, I deserve to live this one aspect of my life for me. Once I did that, dating started to become fun again. It has actually been a very reaffirming situation as of late. So many of my ex boyfriends have been in touch with me because they want to reconnect.
The problem with men wanting sex right off the bat is simple. Because of my past I use to have a hard time with sex. I had issues with control and feelings of being used. During my teen years I turned to B.D.S.M. and quickly took on a dominant role for the control aspect of it. Guys loved it because it was different and kinky. It allowed me to avoid my discomfort with sex and intimacy. As I began to work through some of my issues with sex in adulthood and became part of loving relationships I began to love regular sex within the confines of said relationships. With out emotion behind it, sex for me is a no go. It is merely going through a primal mating ritual unless there is love behind the act and I am so above that. I would rather masturbate then then to subject myself to it. I know a lot of women are different. They are careless with their bodies. I am at a point in my life where I would feel more comfortable and am looking forward to being able to give up complete control to my partner in the bedroom. But trust, patience, time and friendship all have to be established prior to that. While sex should never be the main focus in any relationship I have to admit I do love it. Finding a partner that I can connect with mentally and emotionally is just as important to me as the physical part of it. I know it should all be there but from my own life experiences specifically with men, quite often they are dissatisfied with that aspect of their relationships. It is why we have a multimillion dollar porn industry in this nation. Unfortunately I usually end up suffering within my relationships because I tend to like extremely intelligent men who have little to no experience in this area. While all the other guys were out hitting on women they were hitting the books. When intelligent men lack knowledge in a certain area they tend to shy away from the topic all together.
Most of the time I wear a very good Samantha face (Sex in the City) with my girlfriends aka women's empowerment: Find him, fondle him, fuck him, forget him! In my heart I am so Charlotte. I want my great love story more then anything in the world. I haven't given up yet, nor do I intend on doing so. When I think about my life, my freedom and if I had to pay to keep it I think: what would it be worth to me? I would never give it up for any one who wasn't a truly amazing person. Some one who inspired me and cared for me with out me having to ask. 
When you make a commitment to love another person for the rest of your life it takes away that single life you had, it takes away that freedom because you agree to becoming part of a unit. It is a partnership that encompasses every aspect of your life. At least from my prospective.
In my prior dating relationships I have settled into commitment for less then I expected out of fear of being alone. Part of it I think is that every one ingrains in your mind as a child, "You will understand some day when you are married." You never hear your parents or relatives say, "Ok now if you don't end up getting married this is a good plan." I had no plan. 
I made a decision this year that when Guinevere turns eighteen in 2021, I am getting rid of all my home goods and traveling for the rest of my life. I will come home once a year during the holidays but I will be spending my days like Uncle Matt from Fraggle Rock. Sending postcards and well wishes from all the ends of the earth to my loved ones. This is barring the fact that I have not met my bashert. I think that finding a new dream allowed me to let go of the other. I think now more so then ever while it is still a dream of mine it is not some distant uncontrollable destiny I need to cling to. I have a plan, a course of action and my interpersonal relationships with men are merely entertainment until the right person presents himself if ever it should happen."

After A While
   ©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes aheadwith the grace of woman, not the grief of a child And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.  

And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong you, really do have worth And you learn and, you learn with every goodbye, you learn...

10 Way's To Know it's Summer Time in NJ (A Compliment to Wandering NYC)

My Friend Arturo Tedesco who inspired me to write this blog posted the following in early June on his blog Wandering NYC: How You Know its Summertime in NYC As a compliment to him for his inspiration I created my own Jersey list. Thanks for the inspiration Arturo!

10 Way's To Know it's Summer Time in NJ

1. You can't drive more then fifteen miles on any local high way with out seeing a carnival, street fair or an old car show.

2. You have to drive slowly in the residential areas because kids are on bikes, scooters and skate boards every where.

3. You look forward to the lightening bug show at dust and remember catching them as a child in your grandmother's garden.

4. You clean out your car interior and exterior even though you know you will be getting an ass load of Jersey Shore sand in it just so you can complain; " Will you look at all this sand I just cleaned this car!"

5. You buy Off for all the concerts you will be going to at PNC Arts Center even though you know you will keep forgetting to bring it with you every time you go.

6. Northern NJ traffic no longer exists on the weekends but you wouldn't know that because you have been stuck at Exit 109 on the Parkway for the past 4 hours.

7. The buzz of lawn mowers and zicada bugs as well as the smell of fresh cut grass mixed with the chlorine scent from the neighborhood pools fill the air like a symphony of sound and smell.

8. Cheese fries, vanilla and orange swirled custard, salt water taffy and extra big slices of pizza from Three Brothers make you forget that you are trying to eat healthy.

9. You change your i-pod to a special mix that includes; Under the Boardwalk, Jersey Girl and Sitting on the Dock of the Bay just for the trips to the Jersey Shore.

10. You forget your address in North Jersey and become a Benny because you spend every free day you have at your Jersey Shore home.