For the past two months I have been fretting, anguishing, stressing and panicked over being committed. I am flirty and fun and sexual and being in a relationship with any man makes me feel like a trapped wolf ready to gnaw it's own leg off to escape.
Relationships come with expectations and dedication and to be quite honest unless some one can just love me for me I have little to no desire to live up to their standards. In fact I become adverse to boundaries placed on me when I feel that I am not “getting my monies worth” so to speak.
While the concept of having a life long best friend appeals to me greatly, the sacrifices that I would have to endure as a woman based on societal expectation (if only for outward appearance sake alone) are too great.
Life is far too short to allow myself to be so restricted and pigeon held. We get no dress rehearsal and so far as I know no one has gotten out alive.
I need constant, mutable input and interaction. I need new people to engage in constantly. Most men aside from psychical pleasure bore me in a very short time span. The ones that don't, I keep as friends, and as confidants as well as intimate partners on an as needed basis.
So I tried to be passive in my last endeavor and it became even more of a mangle disfigured mess then I had ever imagined it could. Neither one of us met each others expectations so far as romantic partners go.
We should have left it at friendship. He is a beautiful man with an amazing future ahead of him. But he needs time to grow and mature as well as to figure out what he wants and needs from life. I should have never been so ignorant to believe that love could transcend our differences in age, culture, education and lifestyle.
He was charming and he made me want to abandon all sense of logic. This was my fault. I have been on this earth far to long to not understand the limitations of most men. But his words and our connection gave me a sense of hope.
Hope has no place in my life style. Hope is the drunk uncle who shows up at parties and is fun for a while until he pisses in the punch bowl and ruins the affair for all who are in attendance.
Just as many times prior I will pick myself up and dust myself off. I will pivot and adjust. I will do what is needed to make my life mine again.
It is times like these that I am reminded that charity begins at home. When I care for some one, and I love them, I become selfless and engulfed in just wanting to give everything I am to that person. As of yet I have not found one who even comes close to being worthy of that type of dedication.
I do not conceit myself in the concept that I am perfect or wonderful or even glorious. But I know that I am special and amazing. I know that most women pale in comparison to my knowledge, personality and companionship.
I will not allow myself to live in an undervalued relationship for the mere sake of having some one to sleep beside me at night or the social comfort of not being single. Many committed people provide false pity to those of us on our own. As if it is a sin against God no not have to deal with the complications and disdain that most deal with in a romanticize commitment. Fact is they should turn pity back upon themselves for not being secure enough in who they are to live life on their own terms, without the constant comfort and lazy reliance of knowing they will having some one to turn to.
I do believe it is quite possible that since I have come to a state of interdependence in respect to my friendships, that I will never be satisfied with just one person. That no one man would or could ever live up to the network of partners I have created in order to maintain my freedom while ensuring all of my wants, needs and desires are satiated.
When you rely solely on one person for intimate companionship there is no mitigation. This is an archaic concept. The most successful organizations and people diversify their earnings, their investments and their income generation for the sole and expressed purpose of hedging against adversity. Why should interpersonal relationships be any different?
The best lesson I have gained from my most recent experience is that I need to be more firm with men in regards to their advances. I have known that for a very long time.
A butterfly serves no purpose if she can not travel from flower to flower. She is a symbol alone of beauty and joy and hope. She needs no other at her side in order for her to serve her main purpose in life. She may desire companionship, she may lust after it, but in all actuality having another caterpillar that she longs for and worries about, keeps her from transcending into the amazing winged creature she is meant to become. Even after her transformation she would be remiss in her duties if not to follow what contents her.
Just like love she must not be contained. It is a disservice to the world if it is locked away and hidden. Kept like a trophy or a prized possession.
While this phase of a relationship has ended it has spawned a new beginning. And while I am disappointed that it was not what I had hoped it would be, a great weight has been lifted. I breath a sigh of relief and for the first time in many weeks my heart is filled with joy and my head with anticipation of what is to come, rather then my eyes being filled with tears and my mind being cluttered with overwhelming sadness and fear.
The fire in the dragon has returned. Her passion and fervent zeal for life rises from the ashes of committed despair to rebirth her even stronger and more avarice then prior.
Rawr! Lol XD
