Last night as I poured through pages and pages of typed writings that I have complied from my younger days, I began to reminisce about my past. While in high school and college I primarily wrote poetry that was centered around my friends as the main themes of each poem. This was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel when as my earlier writings were laments from a very depressed young woman.
I have never really spoken much about certain life altering events in my writings and I feel that in order to mature in my writing I need to start to unearth some of the more intimate memories and accounts of my life. During my freshman year of high school I had such an event. It was a very hard time for me, emotionally as well as mentally. I remember we were reading the book I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou in our English class. Maya in her candid autobiography depicted her own accounts of being sexually abused as a child. Reading these accounts opened flood gates of memories for me. Situations in my own life mirrored that of her accounts. I was left feeling broken and empty inside. Scared to tell any one these memories of what one of my older cousins had done to me, my mind and soul went to a very dark place. Between the nightmares, memories and over all feelings of worthlessness I now felt, on a early spring night I made the decision that I did not wish to be here any longer.
I walked into upstairs bathroom and found a brand new large bottle of Tylenol. I swallowed all one hundred capsules and laid down to go to bed. I am not sure how long I was asleep before I woke up to over whelming feelings nausea. I threw up for almost three days straight. When there was no pills or food left in my stomach I continued to throw up stomach bile. My mom assumed I had a stomach virus and if I hadn't told any one, to this day it would have been my secret.
Not long after this incident I was smart enough to seek out help and I was admitted to Holliswood in Queens, New York for depression and psychiatric treatment. While in the hospital my father sought out counseling for some of his addiction issues. Holliswood became birth place for my immediate family which was broken a the time to become a real family. While I was in treatment I was introduced to so many new ideas and concepts. Meditation, the fact that food can alter your moods, how to deal with relationships and feelings. It was an amazing learning experience for me.
One might think that this was the life altering experience and while it is the catalyst for it, it is like the water that covers the earth. It is essential and a large part of makes up the earth but it is not the earth. My Earth, my catalyst came in the form of a phone call from a classmate. One of the girls on the basketball team with me, Miss Patricia Beesley had called my parents house to see if I was ok when I did not return to school. At a time when I felt unlovable and alone, the fact that Patty had not forgotten me, meant the world to me. Ironically enough our high school Paul VI was closing. I made sure that I enrolled in the high school that Patty was going to the following year, De Paul Catholic High School.
The hospital protocol is to test adolescents to see if their struggles and depression have anything to do with learning disabilities or misplacement in school. After I was tested I was offered the opportunity to become a ward of the state and to be enrolled in a progressive school for women by the hospital. They felt that with my level of intelligence that I would benefit from ongoing treatment and a single sexed school environment. Until this article no one has ever been made aware that it was Patty's call which was the deciding factor for me to stay with my parents. Had Patty not called I probably would have taken that option. Being a young teenage girl despite my intellect and issues, the thought that I had a friend in Patty was the comfort I needed to continue on in my current life despite how hard it seemed at the time. I have never told Pat this story. For as long as we have been friends which is over twenty years at this point, finding the right words to express this have often escaped me in person. Kind of a sad irony being a writer.
Over the course of the past two decades we have had our disagreements, times we were apart and many, many amazing, loving memories that we have shared. Even more amazing and beautiful is the fact that our families have become friends. Her parents and mine, all of our siblings share a loving bond. Her father is the only man besides my own dad I will call Pop, he is my Poppa Beesley and always will be. During some of the worst times in my life Patty and her family have been there to comfort me and inspire me. I could never begin to express how much having Patty in my life means to me. I would be a completely different person and have lived a totally different life if not for her concern so long ago.
Outside of my direct relationship with Patty she also brought me to De Paul. That school made me the woman I am now. I had teachers and administrators that taught because they cared not for a pay check or to further their own education. From Coach Lasalandra who taught me not to take any shit from any one to Miss Sue Gavin who showed me that no matter what size I am, I can do anything. To Miss Ferrito who gave me a shining example that you can be smart and sassy and still love God while maintaining a sinful sense of humor. And Father David who had more knowledge and wisdom in his pinky then most road scholars have in their entire body, who shared it with us all without fear of reprisal. All my teachers there as well as my classmates made that time of my life worth living. They pulled me through what was a life threatening depression and gave my life purpose and divine influence.
They gave me a home and a family that would not be forgotten. Without Patty none of that would have ever happened.
Now that Patty and I have grown up, our lives are moving into a new phase once again. Many years ago we saw each other through the struggles of single motherhood but now she has a new best friend. Shoes I could never fill, Patty finally found her soul mate. Joe is an amazing man who has acted as father to her two children and as her protector and partner before she was even aware of it. I remember seeing him come visit her at her photo studio and knowing he liked her. I recall her saying, "yeah like I would ever date one of these loser security guards." I told her to talk to him and get to know him. "Give the guy a chance," I said. Once she did, she was shocked to find out he had some serious career goals and was passionate about them. After they started dating her and I laughed about it all. Patty has once again given me inspiration with out realizing it. Patty who also once told me she would never get married is now engaged to Joe.
I had written off ever finding a life partner. Most days my mind set is still that I will never meet the right man. But every time I want to give up, I think about the most independent woman I know who allowed herself to fall in love once she found a guy who was worth taking a chance on.
Patty thank you for being my friend. For all the amazing life events we have shared together already as well as for the events we will see in our future. I am sorry I have never taken the time to tell you all of these things even though I wanted to. Your friendship has meant the world to me and I don't ever see that changing. God bless you, Joe, Nick and Frankie as you all take the journey of becoming a family. I love you Pat. You will always be the best friend God ever gave me.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
10 Things I Have Learned from Dating
1. Boys are attracted to dating women they think they can impress. Men are attracted to dating women who impress them.
Boys are fragile in ego as well as mind and they need to be needed rather then wanted. They gravitate toward women they feel superior to and thus they can impress. Men are secure in their manhood and position in life. They therefore seek out women who impress them thus adding to the quality of their life rather then seeking an adoring fan. If a guy chooses a lesser woman over you don't sweat it or wonder why, it's simply because he couldn't handle you.
2. Typically men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.
This is an obvious issue that has plagued humanity for centuries. Although with women becoming more and more independent as a society, we are starting to see a change in this pattern. The modern woman wants to get laid. Quite often accomplished, intelligent women who don't need a man for anything will want them simply to facilitate the aesthetics of having some good sex. Watch out boys you may just find yourself getting kick out of our beds sooner then you'd hoped.
3. Relationships are like stars they either burn hot and fast or slow and long.
How a courtship starts is typically the tone and demeanor of the entire relationship. If you end up in bed on the first date chances are that it is hot and fast and it will end just as quickly as it began. Quite often people value what they have to work for and if a relationship is not easy in the beginning and things such as trust and intimacy are not held to a higher value, that theme will carry through out the relationship.
4. There will always be 4F's (Find him, fondle him, fuck him & forget him)
Now before you get all harsh on me, some men have been doing this to women forever. "There are the girls you fuck and the girls you marry," I have often been told. As women we can easily decide which one we want to be to a man by how quickly we will give in to his desires. Play the game girls. Men love the hunt and the chase. So if you find a great guy; value his friendship first and his cock second. However when you have a man who you know isn't going to be more then just some friendly fun then by all means, get your grove on. Those are the guys you can go home with on night one. Leave it there unless he is amazing in bed, in that case you can keep his number for booty calls.
5. Dating for fun rather then for commitment is the key to Success.
While women love the sense of security that commitment offers, men are skiddish on throwing all their eggs into one basket. Stop thinking about each guy as a potential soul mate. If he is hot go out with him. If he seems funny or he has a good job then go for it. Fuck all the other bullshit ladies. Men have dated women for shallow reasons, always. If you can't beat them, join them.
6. Have a plan B, C, D & E - Always
Men usually have a pair and a spare. They have a couple of girls they want to date and they ask them out first out but if they cancel or are unavailable they have one girl on chill mode. Usually she is less attractive and a home body. They can make tentative plans with her and know she will be home on Saturday night waiting for them to call. I ascribe to the method of non-committal plans until the last minute and then accepting the best offer. Example: Joe says let's go to a party, Brian says I was thinking of taking you to the fair and John wants to do drinks. I don't turn any of them down. My usual stand by line is, "Let me see how I feel after.... (work, the gym, lunch etc) I make all of them my spare. Then I decide what I want to do at the time I am going to do it. If one of my options falls through I always have more.
7. Date like you are Joe Torre from the Yankees
He has a whole team to get the job done, to win the game. He can swap out non performing or injured players as he sees fit. He is in charge of what goes on on the field with his team. Use your guys to your advantage. Need a date for a wedding or a family event? Bring the hot, tanned, toned, financial banker who speaks Russian you have been seeing casually that is great in bed. He will impress the family and make your bed rock like Barny Rubble later. Who cares if he isn't the one? When you don't invite the guy who you might think is; he will sit and wonder why didn't she ask me? Maybe he will even become insecure as to the future of your relationship and just maybe he will buy a ring because he is afraid of losing you.
Which brings me to my next point:
8. Always be the Chicken until he is ready to be the Pig
When making Ham & Eggs the chicken is involved but not committed. The chicken gives part of it's self to the cause but keeps it's life. The pig however has to give up his life in order for the Ham & Eggs to exist. Never make a man a priority when you are still only an option to him. Make him commit first, let him lead the way.
9. Know your own value and keep the price tag
I am going to be really candid here with some of my life experience ladies. Having been both a Dominatrix as well as a phone sex operator I know what men will pay for the company of a woman. Even if she is beating his ass with a leather belt he will not only shell out the cash, but thank you for it as well. While no woman wants to consider herself or her company as being bought and paid for in cold hard cash, consider this statement: Your freedom and life style, how much is it worth to you if you had to pay to keep it? What ever that number is keep it locked away in your mind and bring it to the fore front every time a man wants to alter who you are as a person. Men are hunters and gathers. They by their very nature will try to enrapture you and woo you into submission. Do Not Settle.
10. God gave men two heads and only enough blood to run one at one time.
I love this line. I believe it is from Robin Williams. Use this aspect of a man's dysfunctional anatomy to your advantage. If men are too horny and fixated on what is between their legs, play with them like the lesser creatures they are. When you find a good man who thinks with the head on his shoulders, reward him for being the exception to the rule.
All in all, as women we can always tell the difference between fine china and paper plates. We would never jeopardize our favorite family heirloom patterns by treating them carelessly. Nor would we cry over having to throw away a pixie plate once it was soiled and no longer usable. So why ladies do we do this in our relationships with men? Several reasons, most of which revolve around the insecurities that society tries to embed into us at an early age. Stop living in the fear ladies and step out into an amazing new world that belongs to you.
Boys are fragile in ego as well as mind and they need to be needed rather then wanted. They gravitate toward women they feel superior to and thus they can impress. Men are secure in their manhood and position in life. They therefore seek out women who impress them thus adding to the quality of their life rather then seeking an adoring fan. If a guy chooses a lesser woman over you don't sweat it or wonder why, it's simply because he couldn't handle you.
2. Typically men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.
This is an obvious issue that has plagued humanity for centuries. Although with women becoming more and more independent as a society, we are starting to see a change in this pattern. The modern woman wants to get laid. Quite often accomplished, intelligent women who don't need a man for anything will want them simply to facilitate the aesthetics of having some good sex. Watch out boys you may just find yourself getting kick out of our beds sooner then you'd hoped.
3. Relationships are like stars they either burn hot and fast or slow and long.
How a courtship starts is typically the tone and demeanor of the entire relationship. If you end up in bed on the first date chances are that it is hot and fast and it will end just as quickly as it began. Quite often people value what they have to work for and if a relationship is not easy in the beginning and things such as trust and intimacy are not held to a higher value, that theme will carry through out the relationship.
4. There will always be 4F's (Find him, fondle him, fuck him & forget him)
Now before you get all harsh on me, some men have been doing this to women forever. "There are the girls you fuck and the girls you marry," I have often been told. As women we can easily decide which one we want to be to a man by how quickly we will give in to his desires. Play the game girls. Men love the hunt and the chase. So if you find a great guy; value his friendship first and his cock second. However when you have a man who you know isn't going to be more then just some friendly fun then by all means, get your grove on. Those are the guys you can go home with on night one. Leave it there unless he is amazing in bed, in that case you can keep his number for booty calls.
5. Dating for fun rather then for commitment is the key to Success.
While women love the sense of security that commitment offers, men are skiddish on throwing all their eggs into one basket. Stop thinking about each guy as a potential soul mate. If he is hot go out with him. If he seems funny or he has a good job then go for it. Fuck all the other bullshit ladies. Men have dated women for shallow reasons, always. If you can't beat them, join them.
6. Have a plan B, C, D & E - Always
Men usually have a pair and a spare. They have a couple of girls they want to date and they ask them out first out but if they cancel or are unavailable they have one girl on chill mode. Usually she is less attractive and a home body. They can make tentative plans with her and know she will be home on Saturday night waiting for them to call. I ascribe to the method of non-committal plans until the last minute and then accepting the best offer. Example: Joe says let's go to a party, Brian says I was thinking of taking you to the fair and John wants to do drinks. I don't turn any of them down. My usual stand by line is, "Let me see how I feel after.... (work, the gym, lunch etc) I make all of them my spare. Then I decide what I want to do at the time I am going to do it. If one of my options falls through I always have more.
7. Date like you are Joe Torre from the Yankees
He has a whole team to get the job done, to win the game. He can swap out non performing or injured players as he sees fit. He is in charge of what goes on on the field with his team. Use your guys to your advantage. Need a date for a wedding or a family event? Bring the hot, tanned, toned, financial banker who speaks Russian you have been seeing casually that is great in bed. He will impress the family and make your bed rock like Barny Rubble later. Who cares if he isn't the one? When you don't invite the guy who you might think is; he will sit and wonder why didn't she ask me? Maybe he will even become insecure as to the future of your relationship and just maybe he will buy a ring because he is afraid of losing you.
Which brings me to my next point:
8. Always be the Chicken until he is ready to be the Pig
When making Ham & Eggs the chicken is involved but not committed. The chicken gives part of it's self to the cause but keeps it's life. The pig however has to give up his life in order for the Ham & Eggs to exist. Never make a man a priority when you are still only an option to him. Make him commit first, let him lead the way.
9. Know your own value and keep the price tag
I am going to be really candid here with some of my life experience ladies. Having been both a Dominatrix as well as a phone sex operator I know what men will pay for the company of a woman. Even if she is beating his ass with a leather belt he will not only shell out the cash, but thank you for it as well. While no woman wants to consider herself or her company as being bought and paid for in cold hard cash, consider this statement: Your freedom and life style, how much is it worth to you if you had to pay to keep it? What ever that number is keep it locked away in your mind and bring it to the fore front every time a man wants to alter who you are as a person. Men are hunters and gathers. They by their very nature will try to enrapture you and woo you into submission. Do Not Settle.
10. God gave men two heads and only enough blood to run one at one time.
I love this line. I believe it is from Robin Williams. Use this aspect of a man's dysfunctional anatomy to your advantage. If men are too horny and fixated on what is between their legs, play with them like the lesser creatures they are. When you find a good man who thinks with the head on his shoulders, reward him for being the exception to the rule.
All in all, as women we can always tell the difference between fine china and paper plates. We would never jeopardize our favorite family heirloom patterns by treating them carelessly. Nor would we cry over having to throw away a pixie plate once it was soiled and no longer usable. So why ladies do we do this in our relationships with men? Several reasons, most of which revolve around the insecurities that society tries to embed into us at an early age. Stop living in the fear ladies and step out into an amazing new world that belongs to you.
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