And So It Goes

So needless to say Joe and I never had our deep and meaningful conversation. It is probably just as well considering his behavior. Now I am having second thoughts. If only for the fact that he is now obviously distancing him self from me. Part of me wants to believe it's because he is embarrassed about the other night. But a large part of me knows it's because his feelings bother him. He likes to be in control and reserved.
So many things are beginning to come together now. Why he never wants to go out. Why he has kept me from his family. He has nephews that are in my dating range also. He doesn't want to be jealous. I know it bothers him. So now we play the game of him emotionally distancing himself from me until the fear of losing me subsides.
This doesn't feel good at all. In fact it is the exact opposite of what I want and need right now.
Some one once told me that when a boy makes your cry from sadness more then he makes you cry from laughter it's time to say good bye to him.
Odd part is as sad as I am not crying but I am really angry that he is that scared of this relationship. I am not sure how to react or act. There is a strong urge in me to do what most normal women do and for every day he doesn't act accordingly to tack on a day of avoiding him to teach him a lesson. But I don't want to be a teacher.
At the same time all of the back and forth makes me want to scream, "For fuck sake I am not a yo-yo." At this point I begin to wonder if this is how so many other men have felt regarding me. I have been just as guilty of doing what Joe is doing to me to other men. Chase, chase, chase... catch then run away because I can't handle the emotions. God it sucks. Why can't it all just be easy?
I am not going to contact him unless he contacts me and let's see what happens. But honestly if a man is 45 years old and he can't wrap his head around the fact that when you are dating a woman who is out going and attractive that other men are going to notice her, I seriously can't help him. He is beyond my assistance.
But the insecurity and the jealousy are par for the course in my life. And it's not that I date jealous or insecure men I just seem to inspire that emotion in men who are normally very grounded. For some reason the men that I date can't handle sharing me. I wish it was an ego boost all it ends up doing is making me feel like a caged sex toy. Ultimately it leads to the destruction of the relationship because I know that I can have a man's attention with out all the strings of commitment. With out all the sacrifice. Is Joe really worth the sacrifice? Only time will tell.

And So It Goes

 Billy Joel

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you're the only one who knows