This page is specifically the book I am writing about my experiences as a woman. There will be excerpts from different chapters as well as commentaries that may be inserted into different sections of the book it's self. I thank you for your dedication and commitment to my work.
Prologue
What happens when the fairytale fails? When the prince isn't so charming? When sleeping beauty isn't so beautiful and it isn't a kiss that disturbs her from her perfect dream? When the glass slipper breaks and you end up being a house girl to seven tiny men for your entire life?
This is that story......
Growing up every little girl dreams of the big day. The white dress, flowers, little favors with her name next to “The one” with the big date on it. I was no exception to this common illusion. However at age thirty four, never having been married with one six year old little girl, this single mom had to come down from her cloud and realize that fairy tales with happy endings were best left to books and Disney movies.
The year is 2010 and this is my year. I still have no clue as to what I want out of life but time has shown me just to go with the flow, taking it one day at a time and eventually a path will be revealed to you. I love kids, I love cooking and most of the time I like taking care of people. School lunch lady? Who knows but I have let go of all expectations at this point. I have stopped worrying.
The words go big or go home hung in my mind. I had never been one to dip my feet into a pool. A good running start and splash with a cannon ball leap in how I would jump into things. Besides all we have is time in our lives why not go for the gusto? Once again this would be the pattern for a romantic relationship. From the moment I saw his face at the air port I knew for him it was a big mistake.
I had started talking to this newest boa about six months or so ago via the internet. A true southern gentleman at first tepid, kind, shy and soft spoken he intrigued me. Quite often I had been awed by his extensive knowledge and maturity but in person there was something unspoken in his mind. Even though I tried gently to prod him into talking to me about the obvious weight on his mind he declined to engage me in conversation.
Maybe my hopes were too high, my expectations too great to think that I would be so lucky as my parents, their siblings and my grand parents who all just seemed to know the one when they met their mate that they were it. I feel like a blind dart expert who can always hit the mark if she is playing for some one else but when it came to my own bets I am completely off the board.
Insanity is defined as asking the same question over and over and expecting different results. So many times I have met some one I really liked and asked myself is he the one only to get a resounding. “no” as an answer. At what point do I realize that the answer might not change and that it is just quite possible that I am crazy?
I spoke with a good friend today because I have felt like a failure for the past few days. Sage advice from him; “Take off the mask.” I knew exactly what he meant.
My mask is ornate and beautiful and complex and strong. The woman behind is is simple and boring and quite frankly not as interesting.
While I had tried to portray myself to this newest romance as the real me. I am quite sure that I failed to do so. His disappointment in the real me is becoming increasingly more apparent each day that he is here.
I am an epic failure at romance. People often say that practice makes perfect but I fear that is not so in this case.
My mask is one of sexual prowess and emotionless. I am most comfortable wearing that with men. It leaves little room for disappointment and regret. I once clung to it so closely it became almost all of who I was. Having my daughter changed all of that. For the first time my heart knew abounding unsolicited and unyielding love. It changed me forever.
However I have to question whether my hopes to find this outside of my born are prudent. If the bashert, the soulmate, the kindred person I hope to find is really out there.
So that my children is where our story begins......
Chapter One - Incomplete
Ever since I was young, my mother said I had something about me. People just seemed to gravitate around me like the earth rotates around the sun. After being here on this planet for as long as I have, I have yet to still figure out what purpose that serves me other then to be used and hurt. Don't get me wrong I don't have low self esteem and this is not a pity party. But just as there is billions of stars in the sky some of them faint, some of them fleeting and some of them volatile balls of destructive energy there are just as many people in this world fitting the same descriptions.
Being some one who is often in the middle of them makes for an interesting life filled with good times as well as bad. I say that not because I view my self as the sun, but just because I view myself as being constant and unmoving. While every one changes and moves I am in the middle of them watching events unfold. Not part of the dance just the eager audience who's glow gives people in my life the light they need and the security to create all the beauty they desire to create.
After I got Josh's email breaking up with me in the beginning of this year I had to sit and start to take a strong look at my life. What I want in it, who I want in it and most importantly where I want to go with the time I have been given. For so long I have worked, but I am tired of working. I am tired of being a Jill of all trades and a master of none. Easy to say, hard to figure out a path that will be fulfilling enough for it to be part of my life for a very long time.
Seemly enough I have had the same issues with men. If I equate them to food, let's take one food, a cheese per say. Some men are snacks, some are full meals and some could even be deserts. But regardless of the thousands of types of cheese that exist in this world I highly doubt that I would want to eat nothing but cheese for the rest of my life. Especially the same cheese day after day.
This is the part where my mind wanders and I start to think that ignorance is bliss. The gift of knowledge is more a curse then a blessing. Ignorant people (and I mean ignorant in the best sense of the word) don't often have problems trusting others. They pick one course because it's call they can see and they stick with it. They marry and stay married for there entire lives because it is all they know.
People often take my indecision as a sign that I am searching for something more or better, even as snobbishness. I remember hearing as a child “If you get lost just stay where you are some one will come find you.” I have been lost for a very long time.
Part of me has given up hope that any one will come to find me. Even if some one did I feel like I would feel like Molly Grue from The Last Unicorn when she finally met a real unicorn. She exclaims , “No, it can't be. Can it be? Where have you been? Where have you been? Damn you! Where have you been? And where were you twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!”
Innocence an interesting word. Some things in life can not be found once they have been lost. Is the trade of our innocence for experience and intelligence really worth it? I have been hiding from life because I am tired of losing hope and heart and faith and my innocence. Because with each new experience there is a memory, a feeling attached and often pain is involved and I just don't want to deal with it.
I have always believed that the things that happen in life are supposed to teach us something. All I keep learning is that the friends I have had since my childhood are the only true friends I will ever have. That meeting new people is never really worth the effort of getting involved with them and that before where I used to welcome new spirits into my heart and my home, now I simply fear them.
I am always my usual self. I talk, I meet people. It was almost three years ago I decided to play an online game to placate a man I was dating at the time. This is the worst decision I have ever made in my life. A social woman who is smart and funny has no place in a cyber world fill with undersexed men who are socially inept and not self aware.
Subjecting my self to this has opened a proverbial Pandora's box. I have seen the worst side of men who have no conscience as well as no honor or manners either. They have intelligence for the most part but they lack experience and morals. I don't mean to lump them all into one group but they are large majority of the social make up of guys online; Gamers Geeks as society has dubbed them. They used to be my favorite type of guy. Technologically savvy, well read and sweet. Now I see them all as just hounds hunting the next piece of flesh, the next ride, the next female they can woo into submission.
If I was a typical “Gamer Girl” I might not mind. While I have played games for much of my life this is my first experience in gaming that is shared with complete and total strangers. When you couple that situation with the anonymity that the internet provides and my natural inertia it has made for some very interesting situations. But I feel as if I should start my journey at it origins.
For as long as I can remember the outside world would describe me as being a bit of a bitch. I am completely ok with that. I know most women would take offense but when I consider what the opposite of that is, if I have to choose I will take the bitch side. Any one who knows me intimately knows that I am a complete emotional sap who hates to hurt people. Unfortunately nice people finish last, they become scape goats and victims for others to hurt and use. I learned that lesson well enough in high school. While most of my classmates were amazing people with big hearts a few were nasty, vile people who took pleasure in mistreating me. While years later they came back and apologized for their transgressions, the damage their actions had done were irreversible. I had build a fortified wall, complete with triple locked gate, moat, guard dogs and barbed wire electrified fencing.
In high school I was overweight and didn't feel pretty at all during those years. Even thought I lost some of the weight and tried new hair does, I never felt quite pretty. It was when I left high school and started hanging out in NYC at clubs that I realized men found me attractive. The power I now realized was an amazing catalyst of good emotions as well as bad.
Emotion: Agitation or disturbance of mind; vehement or excited mental state." It is also a powerful and irrational master. - The Criminologist “Rocky Horror Picture Show”
Knowing that men not only liked me for who I was but some found me sexually attractive was an eye opening experience. I now realized that I had this power that could be used and harnessed. I also began to see how dumb men acted when they wanted me sexually. At the tender age of nineteen years old I had a lot to think about in regards to how I would now handle my relationships with men.
I have to say over the course of the past two and a half decades I have learned a lot, experienced even more and wished that there were somethings I just had never seen.
