When I first found out I was pregnant a little over 10 years ago my first thought was, "I am going to be a Mom." My second thought contained many expletives and an over whelming sense of fear. Since that day I have had many fears. What if I miscarry, was the first. What if she is still born, what if she has birth defects or special needs. What if something I eat during my pregnancy causes these things. What if she dies while she is sleeping. What if I roll over on her. What if she can't breastfeed. What if I drop her. What if she falls down the stairs when she is learning to walk. What if some one kidnaps her. The list of fears and what if's could go on for several pages.
As I was reading my friend Tricia's post about sending her daughter off to college it made me realize that again, some day I would face the fear of letting go of my child. Before I had Guinevere my life was completely within my control. When I got up, when I went to sleep. What I ate, how I did things. No one ever factored into my decisions but me. What I wanted and needed. Occasional nods to other people in my life on holidays or birthdays but over all it was the "Jayme Show." And in an instant with two lines on an EPT test, in my parents upstairs bathroom, on a cold February day, everything changed. Everything that mattered centered around this tiny little person that I didn't even know yet.
One of my favorite authors Anais Nin once wrote,"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." I began to realize that as a parent that my child's life would shrink or expand based in proportion to not only my courage as a parent but my confidence as well. My ability to allow her to be her own person and to have her own sense of style. Her own thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. For as much as I would love to be raising the first female president of the United States. I am probably raising the next Miuccia Prada or Dian Fossey. Because Guinevere loves animals and fashion more so then economics and politics.
I made a bold decision that I would rather be a guiding force in her life like an oar to a row boat, then to be a driving force like a motor to a speed boat. Giving her facts rather then my own opinions and allowing her to develop her own conclusions about how she wants to interact with the world. Not with standing a sense of morals or ethics. As those lessons have come to pass, each one is focused on and I will continue to do so as she progresses in life.
But over the years I have learned to just let go and let God. Even if you are not a religious person the power of faith in allowing the universe to carry you through rather then to try and force each situation is an amazing and freeing experience. And every time I start to feel afraid, when the what if's sneak up on me like a dark shadow creeping into my soul I just look at the love and courage in my daughter. I remember I need to be strong for her sake. Not to allow my own fears to limit her growth. This is much more complicated then I let on. I assure you of that. But if I didn't make a concerted effort each day it would be impossible.
So to all my friends and family that are becoming parents or have recently had a child, whether it is the fifth time or the first time remember this:
- Love often (affection and attention is the best gift you can give to any child)
- Laugh as much as you can (especially when life is messy and it sucks)
- Words can be inspirational or the worst weapon
- Work can wait
- Money always comes from somewhere
- Children will learn not only from what you say but what you do
- They will see the world as you portray it to them
- Babies can feel before they can think (get over your nervousness and fear or infancy is going to be a hellish nightmare)
- Friends and Family want to help (so do not be afraid to ask when you need it or want it)
- This is the most amazing and rewarding experience you will ever be given in life so enjoy it for all that it brings to you
Love Always,
Jayme Lin Rose Luzzi
