At this very moment I hate who I am and what I have become. I had finally found some one I felt comfortable opening up to fully and completely and he just accepted me for who I am but I let all of my own bullshit ruin any possibility of us having someone real and long term.
I let the bad experiences in my life turn me into a mean, cruel, viscous monster. I saw what love could be and I went from trying to hold on to it so tightly it was suffocating to finding every reason to push it away. In doing so I hurt one of the best gifts I had ever been given. I am a complete mess at this point and I need to pick myself up and move forward but I feel so inadequate to do so.
As much as I want to be angry at him I can't be. This one is mostly on me. He was merely retaliating to things I had said and done in my own foolishness.
It took an Oxycontin and a Perk just to finally fall asleep at 5am this morning. I have no desire to eat. I ate pizza at about 2pm yesterday and a little bit of fresh mozzarella a little while ago but I find myself not hungry for anything.
I don't deserve him in my life. I don't deserve any man in the context of real love. I am horrible at being committed. I am selfish and demanding and a complete mess. I have ruined marriages and I know my minor involvements in other relationships have destroyed them as well.
For a long time I have had many men who have been there for me as a friend, lover what ever I so choose them to be when I need them. I can pick and choose whom I want when I want and it is tantamount to being a spoiled child. I have never had to make a relationship work because if they fail I have a collective group to fall back on.
My security network. My safety. My comfy blanket. And I have never once considered giving them up for any one until he came along. He so completed me and was just there for me. I abused him greatly. Rather then showing him grace and kindness I pushed him and I broke him.
I walked into the lobby of that hotel Thursday and I knew I should leave. I knew I should go home and call him and beg for his forgiveness for ever putting him through knowing that another man had flown in to meet me and that I was stupid enough to meet him despite finding some one who completed me so perfectly.
I will regret this until my memory fails me. My heart aches for him. When he would hold me in his arms it was so complete. It was like we fit together, as if we were almost made for one another. I hadn't felt that before. I had never felt such comfort in some one.
I know eventually the pain will wane and subside. His smile will be nothing more then a distant memory eventually.
But now my pain is so raw. I would cut off limbs if I thought it would make my heart ache go away. I just wish I could go back to the night before we first met and start over. But I have said and done too much. We have cut one another far too deeply to mend this.
