Shutting God's Doors To Open New Windows

This year has been a pinnacle for me. I started a new business. I ventured out on my own past working for other people and I have started to build my own dreams. Professionally it's been a maelstrom of learning and doing and a lot of fun but also a lot of stress.

Personally a lot of changes have gone on. I feel less attached to my former life and self then I ever have. But I know that if I want to be successful I need to engage more in my adult lifestyle and less in the vanilla aspects of life. This precludes time spent with Guinevere. There is always time for her.

I have been able to gain closure to two very important past relationships in my life. The first was with my high school sweet heart. Despite my young teenage dreams of him being the man I would spend the rest of my life with I have had to succumb to the reality that he just isn't interest in me romantically speaking. I am not an easy bite to swallow for most men. I understand that.

I am glad in many ways that I was able to put that 22 year crush to rest. Then recently my daughter's father asked me to marry him. It was a ring that 10 years ago I dremt of. Now it was just a long hard conversation but much needed conclusion to my relationship with him. We will remain friends for a life time but so far as romance goes it has been put to rest that we are no longer compatible.

This has given way to new suitors and new life in my heart. I am happy and peaceful now that life is proceeding as it should. I often wonder about the coincidences of life. Are they just coincidences or is there some grand design to how things happen?

I am still in debate about my conjecture on it all. But I am happy. Poorer then I would like to be financially, richer in love and friendship. Excited to see what the future holds. Most importantly elated at how I am living life right now: On my terms, being who I want to be and free as the wind in the willows.

Sharing Secrets Has The Power To Heal

Recently I met a man. Intelligent, sweet, funny and engaging. He shared with me his deepest secrets about loving to feed women. This is a turn on for him.

Needless to say at first I was a bit in shock because I had never met a man who was turned on by that sort of thing. Having been into BDSM for 24 years of my life one would think I would have come across this by now. But it is all new to me.

His secret gave way to me opening up and telling him some of my fantasies. Since I could drive I wanted to go to every drive through fast food place and get all my favorite foods all at once and see if I could eat everything. Despite the stomach ache I know I would have after as well as the intimate acquaintance with my porcelain god,  this fantasy feels as if it would be gluttonous heaven. I know it sounds horribly wrong and sick to most people but I love food. Just once I would love to gorge myself on every very bad food all at once.

I told him this and rather then being disgusted he wanted to be part of my fantasy. This made me feel bonded to him in a way that I have never felt with any other man before. I had rarely shared even part of my dirty little fantasy with any one and have spent a long time being scared of indulging in it. I fear the looks of the people at the drive through when they see all of the bags in my car. Or the looks of my neighbors as I would bring it into my home. If I were thin people would assume I was having some sort of party but being fat people make other ugly assumptions when they see lots of food in your hands.

For me over eating has happened when I was sad or angry. It has been a shame filled dirty secret I have lived with for years. I used to joke with people that I was bulimic but also a procrastinator so I would binge and  be to lazy to throw up. It was more then a joke. It was me finding humor in a painful truth.

I am not quite sure that two wrongs ever make a right, especially in this case. Both his desires and mine are completely unhealthy. But like a match to gasoline it ignited our friendship. More importantly it gave me a sense of comfort to know that I wasn't alone in this world.

I get his desire to feed women. I take great pride in cooking and feeding people. I love it in fact. So I understand his prospective well. I get the association of food and sensuality. How it is a turn on to be in control of feeding some one and to give them pleasure. Any one who has seen 9 1/2 Weeks has seen the food scene which is fun and sexy and extremely sensual. There is no denying that.

9 1/2 Weeks: Food Scene

But this is more then that. I had never met any one who just accepted me for me as completely as he does. This was one of the worst traits I felt I had. My inability to control my eating habits and thus my weight loss or gain has plagued me my entire life.  With out batting an eye lash he just accepted that part of me as well as many other aspects of who I am. Most men struggle with accepting me or parts of my life. I find that so impressive about him.

Over eating always held a sense of pain with it because of my reasons for doing it. He has given me a much different prospective on it. He has brought light to a dark area of my life. He gives me this sense of peace in respects to who I am as a person in a way I have not ever felt yet. I love it. There is a part of me that is tremendously grateful for this sense of acceptance.


Not sure how I feel about indulging in our shared passion often, unless it is healthy items like salad or fruits and veggies. But at least it has healed some old wounds for me. It has given me a sense of closure that I needed. The ability to feel ok in not being in control all the time in respects to my eating.

He is fast becoming one of the most important people in my life. For the simple reason that he just accepts me for me.

I can not ask for anything more nor would I want to. I feel lucky enough just to have found him. It's been a long time since I had some one other then a family member that I could truly call one of my best friends.

Sense of Serenity

I haven't written much this year and I am about to implode from all the thoughts and feelings I have been having lately.

This Summer was one of the best/worst Summers ever. I had friends who betrayed my trust but I made some new ones who are amazing. I have had many good times but some major frustrations in my life.
My high school sweet heart Scott whom I had no seen in about a decade finally resurfaced on facebook. I have held a torch for him for 22 years. Sad, pathetic and abnormal as it is I think a part of me will always be in love with that shy awkward geeky boy who walked into my life when I needed a friend. He is now an accomplished doctor. I was so excited. Like I finally had something go right in respects to having him back in my life. But soon enough after many cancellations and the death of his best friend on the eve of the night we were supposed to get together I realized, sometimes you can never go home again.

So I have been depressed and preoccupying myself with some wonderful and entertaining suitors. I have an adorable lawyer who gives me this sense of peace about my weight. I am on the skinny side for the type of women he enjoys. The fact that an accomplished and intelligent man enjoys larger women and he is attracted to me is a huge confidence booster. However the sad part is that it will never ever go any where. He is against children and alas I have one. He is head strong and selfish which I love because it means that when he is giving to me it means more to him then to other men who are not. There is a turn on in getting tough men to bend to my will and have them pay attention to me as if I were the only woman they were interested in. There is also this sweet, sensual bear of a man whom I will refer to as Egon. He is just such a sensitive soul. He lacks confidence to handle anything substantial but our private time together is so comfortable to me. I could easily see him being my husband. Just lying in bed next to him sharing secrets, thoughts, feelings and emotions for a life time. He is generous and such the antithesis of the lawyer in many ways. Very empathic, selfless and caring. So between the two I have the giver and the taker.

I am entertaining others but these two I have seen multiple times both sexually as well as non sexually. I have a couple of young boy toys who are sweet and shy. But Friday I met a new contender. Some one quite unexpected at my party. He is fantastic sexually. Since then there has been very few hours outside of sleep that we have not been texting one another. I have to say that yes I am an attention whore and his replies to my messages are a huge turn on. He is a teacher who has had a rough past in respect to loving women. There is this desire in me to want to keep him all to myself. Part of me knows that I could possibly do that but I want to find out if I can keep his attention while giving him his ultimate freedom. I feel as if I give him some time and space that it will actually lead to something deeper and more meaningful down the road.

All in all I can say that I finally have a sense of serenity. Like I am in a place where I belong with the people I need in my life.

Being A Parent Means Letting Go

When I first found out I was pregnant a little over 10 years ago my first thought was, "I am going to be a Mom." My second thought contained many expletives and an over whelming sense of fear. Since that day I have had many fears. What if I miscarry, was the first. What if she is still born, what if she has birth defects or special needs. What if something I eat during my pregnancy causes these things. What if she dies while she is sleeping. What if I roll over on her. What if she can't breastfeed. What if I drop her. What if she falls down the stairs when she is learning to walk. What if some one kidnaps her. The list of fears and what if's could go on for several pages.

As I was reading my friend Tricia's post about sending her daughter off to college it made me realize that again, some day I would face the fear of letting go of my child. Before I had Guinevere my life was completely within my control. When I got up, when I went to sleep. What I ate, how I did things. No one ever factored into my decisions but me. What I wanted and needed. Occasional nods to other people in my life on holidays or birthdays but over all it was the "Jayme Show." And in an instant with two lines on an EPT test, in my parents upstairs bathroom, on a cold February day, everything changed. Everything that mattered centered around this tiny little person that I didn't even know yet.

One of my favorite authors Anais Nin once wrote,"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." I began to realize that as a parent that my child's life would shrink or expand based in proportion to not only my courage as a parent but my confidence as well. My ability to allow her to be her own person and to have her own sense of style. Her own thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. For as much as I would love to be raising the first female president of the United States. I am probably raising the next Miuccia Prada or Dian Fossey. Because Guinevere loves animals and fashion more so then economics and politics. 

I made a bold decision that I would rather be a guiding force in her life like an oar to a row boat, then to be a driving force like a motor to a speed boat. Giving her facts rather then my own opinions and allowing her to develop her own conclusions about how she wants to interact with the world. Not with standing a sense of morals or ethics. As those lessons have come to pass, each one is focused on and I will continue to do so as she progresses in life.

But over the years I have learned to just let go and let God. Even if you are not a religious person the power of faith in allowing the universe to carry you through rather then to try and force each situation is an amazing and freeing experience. And every time I start to feel afraid, when the what if's sneak up on me like a dark shadow creeping into my soul I just look at the love and courage in my daughter. I remember I need to be strong for her sake. Not to allow my own fears to limit her growth. This is much more complicated then I let on. I assure you of that. But if I didn't make a concerted effort each day it would be impossible.

So to all my friends and family that are becoming parents or have recently had a child, whether it is the fifth time or the first time remember this:

- Love often (affection and attention is the best gift you can give to any child)

- Laugh as much as you can (especially when life is messy and it sucks)

- Words can be inspirational or the worst weapon 

- Work can wait

- Money always comes from somewhere

- Children will learn not only from what you say but what you do

- They will see the world as you portray it to them

- Babies can feel before they can think (get over your nervousness and fear or infancy is going to be a hellish nightmare)

- Friends and Family want to help (so do not be afraid to ask when you need it or want it)

- This is the most amazing and rewarding experience you will ever be given in life so enjoy it for all that it brings to you

Love Always,

Jayme Lin Rose Luzzi

Important Life Lessons I Learned from Cartoon Characters

Most people don't give merit to animated content as being anything more then mere children's entertainment. However I discovered some of my best and most important life lessons from watching Saturday morning cartoons as a child.

1) "If at first you don't succeed smurf, smurf again." "Where there's a smurf, there's a way." ~ Pappa Smurf

Hearing this phrase over and over again instilled in me that I should never give up. That there is a resolution to each problem. And that I just have to continue to try until I find it.

2) "Work smarter, not harder." ~ Scrooge Mc Duck

Efficiency is an important part of life. The ability to get work done in a timely manner is a huge asset not just in the job market in this day and age but to allow for quality time for yourself and family.

3) "Smile a sunny morning, sunny all the way, something good is coming, smile a sunny day." ~ Strawberry Shortcake

Remember to wake up with a smile. Regardless of how bad life may seem at times, it is all about keeping a positive attitude. As we well know smiles can work from the outside in. Not only do I try to smile and laugh as often as I can but I always try to put a smiles on the faces of other people I interact with on a daily basis.

4) "Knowing is half the battle!" ~ G.I. Joe

I would agree with this statement completely. Unaware and uninformed people have a hard time being effectual in this world. Educating yourself not just in a formal sense but on an ongoing basis is key maximizing your growth potential in life. As an adult one of my mentors said to me, "There are three kinds of people in this world; Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and people who wake up one day and wonder, what the hell happened. Always be the first kind of person because the second kind of people often end up becoming the third kind of person at some point in their life." I have found this philosophy to be very true and more often then not the second and third kind of person are always unaware, uniformed or both.

5) "We are Thundercats. Upholding Justice, Truth, Honor and Loyalty. Thundercats HOOOOOO!" ~ Cheetara, Panthro, Lynx-O, the Kittens, Snarf, and Lion-O

My grandfather used to say, "If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything." Which is an Alexander Hamilton quote. Despite their differences the Thundercats always had each other's backs. They had a purpose and a meaning to their lives. So many people in this world do not have a sense of direction, a moral compass or strong ethics that are the foundation for how they choose to live. I think we need to take note of how many times this has caused catastrophic global events. Justice, truth, honor and loyalty aren't a bad place to start.

I know that in my many years of watching cartoons I have pick up quite a few more along the way but if you have taken the time to read this note please reply by telling me what lessons you have learned from children's cartoons. I would love to hear about them.

Thanks for reading & God Bless Us Every One

Some Of The Things I Have Learned In Past 38 Years

• Regardless of how great or horrible your family members can be, they are your family. Learn to love them unconditionally because when your world falls to shit they will be there for you when no one else will.

• Family isn't always blood related. It's about loyalty, dedication and heart.
  
• Love yourself first and foremost. If you love any one else more, 99.99% of the time the return on your investment will be at a loss.
  
• Your children shouldn't fit into your life. Your life should alter to fit your children and their needs. Too many people make this mistake and it's costing our world it's most valuable resource.
  
• Never settle, especially in love. You will lose respect for yourself and feel cheated. Demand the best for your life at all times.
  
• So far as we all know you get one shot at going on this ride. Life doesn't offer a dress rehearsal. Give it everything you have and tell fear to fuck off and die.
  
• Always give your all. If you can't give something your all then decline to take it on. Nothing is worse then trying to take something on you can not put your heart into.
  
• More grief in this world could be avoided if people remembered to use the two letters smack dab in the middle of the alphabet: NO.
  
• Be honest. No matter how much the truth hurts. Deception hurts even more because it shows lack of respect in addition to breaking trust.
  
• Don't let people bully you. Intimidation has no place in this war torn world of chaos.
  
• People are selfish, insecure creatures. Don't pay any attention to their actions and let it have even less effect on who you are. Just like a public toilet: avoid the shitty ones that are a mess and regardless of how nice they may seem hover at a distance to avoid disease and germs they may carry.
  
• Sex and love are two completely different beasts. They do not need one another to exist in a person's life. And they don't always live in the same house but when they do it can lead to complete bliss or a story out of a horror movie.
  
• Chocolate produces the same endorphins that falling in love does. I prefer chocolate. While chocolate can be messy and resemble poo at times it is a lot less inconvenient then love and the shit it produces can be confined to a bowl.
  
• There is an upside to everything because there is meaning in everything. Sometimes we do not know what it is, but it does have meaning and purpose. Even if it is just to allow us to appreciate the good parts of life. If the sky were always blue and sunny, could we ever appreciate a nice day? Would rainbows exist? Would flowers grow? Sometimes the rain clouds give way to growth in life but at the very least they give us prospective to enjoy what is truly beautiful.
  
• God truly is an elephant in a dark room: A Christian may touch his tusk and say he is hard and smooth. A Jew his skin and disagree saying his is rough and dry and a Buddhist may touch his tail and find him to be soft and fluffy. They are all correct but they spend more time arguing over who is right and wrong rather then celebrating the fact that they all found God.
  
• Most human beings prefer to be led then to lead. They like not being in charge because they are insecure and loath responsibility. But yet most live their lives based around greed (accumulation of wealth and objects) and trying to control their world. It is quite a humorous paradox that I take delight and disgust in regularly.
  
• Gender, sexual orientation, skin color, religion, culture, ethnicity and socioeconomic back ground can not dictate a parson's path in life unless they allow themselves to succumb to the misguided, uneducated and ignorant prejudices that the media and society try to ingrain in us.
  
• Smile no matter how bad anything is. Smile because everything is temporary, smile because some where some one else is dealing with something worse then you are, smile because you are alive to see the day and smile because if you endure it, it will be one hell of a story to tell later. :)
  
• Never be anything you don't want to be because some one else expects you too. Even your parents. God gave you life, they were just the conduit. Be exactly who you want to be regardless of what people think. Unless it's a serial killer, terrorist or rapist – then most definitely do not be what you want to be and seek help.
  
• Life is delicate and fleeting. People forget that. They spend their days like ants working for a tomorrow that may not come, trying to control things that are out of their command. They forget to enjoy the people around them. Love deeply, laugh often and live like it is your last day because it could be.
  
• Use things and love people. Do not use people and love things.
  
• Be kind to animals, the environment and anything else you rely on for survival. That includes the teenager serving your kid their happy meal. Everything has a place in this world and deserves respect regardless of it's station.
  
• When some one dies we most people tend to feel sad. I would rather honor each person's life and memory through all the happiness they brought to me while they were alive. I remember how they would feel if they knew I was sad. I think celebrating their life and the love they gave is more cathartic even though it may be difficult to do at times.
  
• Guns don't kill people they are just a channel for death. Just like a knife could be, or a pipe, or rope or a razor blade or even words can be a catalyst for death. A doctor performing an abortion is also a catalyzer for death. My point is that people can hate all or none of these things. I prefer to spend my time finding things to love then focusing on things that I could hate about this world. I feel it's a much more productive use of my time and makes me much less angry and happier in doing so.
  
• Nothing is ever perfect. There is always complications and problems in life. The difference between successful people and people who are less fortunate is how they deal with the imperfections, complications and most importantly how they use problems as building blocks and stepping stones to succeed in dire and difficult situations.
  
• Lastly and most importantly stupid really is as stupid does. Think before you act. Foresight and for-thought of action are such underdeveloped and underutilized skill sets in most people. If more people used their brain to think rather then just biological functions and coupled that with really using their free will, this world would be an amazing and fantastic place beyond all our dreams.

Over Haul Of Our Public Education System

Get rid of Tenure: No job has ultimate security based on longevity any longer. Teachers should be kept or fired based on perfomance not length of time in position.

Salary caps just like professional sports. This should be based on the safety of the area that teachers as well as administrators work in. More dangerous the area, the tougher the job, higher the salary cap. IE: Hazard pay.

No more roll over of sick and vacation time. Use it or lose it just like for profit organizations have gone to. No more administrators or teachers collecting a salary for 2-5 years not working before they retire.

Cameras in all schools in every room. Treat it like a retail organization where it is monitored on a local and national level. This will keep costly law suits from parents from occurring based on fraudulent claims and it will also ensure that every teacher is doing their job at all times.

No more free education for teachers or administrators unless it will be used for their current position or a contracted future position. IE: Kindergarten teachers do not need PHD's in Special Education paid for by the tax payers. You want it - earn it by signing a contract to work in a special needs school in an area that is lacking educational support. Or earn it by working in a dangerous or undesirable area. While you are in school you can not work full time to ensure: 1) Your education doesn't go to the way side and 2) The children you are teaching are not suffering because of your educational choices.

No more Summers off. Teachers should be planning and preparing for the next school year all Summer long. If they did so our education system would not be the mess that it is currently. Every industry in this nation has slow periods and during those times there is essential planning and preparing going on. No one gets a free pass to just stop working. Being that the education process of our children is key this should have been something that stopped a long time ago.

No more full school mandatory testing. I propose random surprise testing administered by an outside source. If a child's social security number was used to select the students at random it would also assist in weeding out students who are entered in the system illegally. I would recommend that children be tested on their weakest subject matter at random singularly or in small groups. If enough students of one teacher perform sub standard then the teacher would be disciplined and/or terminated based on the severity of the lack of education. If enough students perform substandard the administration of the school and school system would be subject to the same or similar course of action.

Bonuses based on their class's performance and parent surveys. I do believe that education is a team effort. But that means that the educators need to be open to working with the parents. Quite often I have felt left out of my daughter's education process and trust me it is not due to lack of concern or initiative on my part. I think each year parents should be given a survey that they can fill out. Not unlike a customer service survey, about their child(ren's) teacher(s). I think bonuses based on the performance of the class (not compared to other classes or types of classes but in general how all the children performed and were engaged in the learning process) as well as how well the educator was able to include and team up with the parents for the education process should be issued to successful teachers.

I feel these reparations would keep people from becoming educators who are more interested in their own comfort and needs then actually educating children. Our education system is very badly mismanaged at this point not unlike other government agencies and institutions. Financially speaking it is on the same course as other public entities set up to assist the poor and indigent.

Remember folks public education was set up so ensure that all persons were given an equal chance at education. Having gone to both private and public schools during my life time I would have to say that private school teachers despite their lack of benefits and salary care a lot more about their students then most of their public counter parts.

I struggled in 6th grade because my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Joyce was more concerned about getting her masters degree then teaching her class. She had tenure and she knew she could not be terminated based on her lack of performance. Similarly I have experienced the same situation with my daughter's 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Ten Kate this year. She was more concerned about writing her masters thesis then teaching my daughter the first half of this year. Only after I hired a private tutor to work with Guinevere did she offer her after school help. I believe it was mostly to avoid a law suit.

I know I have several friends who are educators and that some of my opinions are disagreeable to them. But honestly if you are good at what you do and your head and heart are in the right place, none of what I propose would effect any good educator in a negative way in the long run. 

Other Drugs and Love

While every one is focusing on the newest way that kids seem to be getting high I want to pose a question to parents. Why is life in the US so hard for teens that they feel an intense need for escapism? Or is it a learned behavior from addicted parents?

We spend all this time making sure they are well rounded - dance, soccer, girl and boy scouts. Pressuring them to get good grades to go to a good college. It's living the American dream, working extra hours for the new big screen TV or the vacation we can barely afford. So focused on the new cast of which ever Housewives is on TV.

Yes, I will get on my soap box today because ever since I have been a teen I know the exact answer to why young people do drugs. And the simple answer is that parents are not involved in their children's lives or too involved to allow their child to live life.

I would say to all parents love your child and let them be who they are meant to be. Gay, straight, bisexual or transgendered. Let them express themselves in dress whether they are a punk rocker, nerd, skater, jock or what ever other label they want to be or none at all.

Most importantly: LOVE THEM WITH OUT CONDITION. Love them with out your own set of morals and precepts and ideas you have for them. God created them as an individual and he gave them life and free will. Guide them, teach them, befriend them and pay attention to their wants and needs but stop placing your ideas and values of who they should be upon them. They are not you nor do they ever need to be like you. They need to make their own mistakes to grow as a human being.

I have an amazing child and I say that not being cocky because it has really taken a village thus far to raise her. She gets guidance and love from many sources. But one of the small things I do know is that the strength and honesty of our relationship will lessen her risk for self diminishing behaviors as she moves through difficult phases of life, especially her teenage years. Let's face it teen use, drugs, alcohol, sex and other vices just like their parents to pacify the lack of love and acceptance they feel from the people who are suppose to be there to support and comfort them during times of need.

During my years of being a youth minister and even after I dealt with so many teens who struggle with depression. 99% of it was in direct correlation with their relationship with their parents. 

Change is never easy and during the teenage years when the human body starts it's transformation from childhood to adult hood there is a disconnect in the parent/child relationship over all. That is when parents need to be better involved. I use that term, better because it does not mean more or less it means gracious and patient. Two terms most parents are not accustomed to using with their children. 

This is when parents have the most impact and effect on how a young person can and will relate to the world through out their adult life. They are developing not only emotionally and physically but this is when their moral compass and their ability to relate to others is also being grounded. These aspects of who we are as humans are at the fore front of this phase of life. Parents play a key role for most people in what kind of person they will become and their place in the world. It is a tough journey of knowing when to step in and when to step back. Almost like a dance and the years of prior practice with your dance partner will make a world of difference. 

This is my opinion and I would love to hear if people agree with me or if others have a different point of view please respond either in posting or message. Thanks and God Bless ~.o xoxo

A Miracle Of Miracles

As many of you are aware I am extremely content to be single now and forever until death do freedom and I part. But I do enjoy relationships and the comradery of the "getting to know you" phase of them. I have also for almost two decades been compiling notes and collecting information on human behavior so far as intimacy goes between the sexes. Focusing on the juxtaposition of how men and women view love, honor, trust, and intimacy with in romantic and sexual relationships. 

After my last failed attempt at commitment which ended in January, I decided to do the whole dating site thing again. Results: 1003 Responses to my personal ads since February 25th, 2012. That is 96 days which means that is almost 10.5 responses per day or 2.6 per ad (I had ads up on four different sites). I met my goal of over 1000 responses within 100 days.

Two of my ads were a bit flowery and romantic and two of them were bitchy and demanding as well as a bit condescending and provocative. The bitchy, demanding, provocative ones yielded better dates then the romantic ones so far as where we went and what we did. While both types attracted a fair amount of garbage to them the bitchy ones attracted more successful men and attractive to me physically.  The romantic ones attracted men who were less aggressive and more intellectually stimulating to me. Oddly enough the one site which was not geared toward BBWs actually provided me with some of the best responses and information. 

A few oddities occurred during this latest venture. One of my exes asked me to marry him and he was quite serious. We had dated on and off for several years but never seriously and he finally woke up I guess.  All I know is it made me queasy. Not like pregnancy either, full on hurl omg I need to break this off sick. I got that feeling from some one else I met also and half of me thinks I should have listened to my gut instinct and never have met him but there is a part of my heart that identifies with him on a deep level. Just riding things out with that one to see where it goes at this point. There are several men I found mildly entertaining for a short time. Nothing new there. A few I have still not gotten to really know yet. Just treading water with a lot of them at the moment and waiting to see what develops.

I did finally meet two men I had not managed to get together with on my last go around which was about the same time last year. Nothing amounted to anything with either of them. But it was nice to meet them both. 

I have found that many men are becoming more tepid and shy almost. Quite sad. To be very cliche', " Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods?"

I have also found there to be a large gap in spending. I have had amazing dates where the meals were in the hundreds of dollar range with flowers and other items like chocolates and gifts to boot and then I have also had men ask me for coffee at Barnes and Nobles where they showed up in an untimely manner so I had to buy my own coffee.

Do men really wonder why women are now disinterested in commitment? Honestly if you want a woman to want you and only you, then give her something worth wanting for fuck sake. lol I am not talking about being bought, but a modicum of effort is nice if a man wants to court a woman. I often feel if a man doesn't have the urge to at least buy me dinner then we shouldn't meet. My time, attention and company are worth more then a random drink or coffee. I hate to ruin a little girl's dream but Virginia, there is no Santa Claus and Romance is now dead. You can view the pod cast of Romance's funeral on:Why Men Now Suck

I met a lot of men who tried to push things too far sexually too soon. That is nothing new in all the years I have been dating. That is also a big turn off for me as most of you are aware if you have read any of my other material on dating. It is a sure sign a man does not want a real relationship. That is a tough one to get over. I spend a lot of time getting to know some of these guys, then I ended up going out on a first date and they acted foolishly. It really ruins my ability and desire to want to get to know them further.

There is something to be said for honor and respect. When men have no self control when meeting me how am I to expect that they can show any restraint with other women? Chances are they probably won't and if given the chance and opportunity..... what is that old saying? "Men are as loyal as their options," or my own personal favorite from Robin Williams," God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at one time." Brings new meaning to the term "Head Rush" lmao. Sorry I could not resist.

I will be 37 soon enough and just like every passing year I lose more faith that I will ever get to wear a white gown. I think my desire for marriage is similar to that of wanting to go to prom as a teen or playing Bingo when I am retired. It is just something people my age are supposed to do and I feel left out because I am not doing it. Although the concept of a real life long best friend is so romantic. I am also romanced with the concept of freedom in my old age. Of my travels and all of the debauchery that will ensue during my misadventures. Of being the Uncle Traveling Matt of my little Fraggle Rock community here in NJ. I am torn between the desire to share my life with some one on a deep and meaningful level and maintaining my freedom to live life on my own terms without pause.

After having met so many people in my life through work, hobbies and my ventures it becomes more and more clear that most people while they have these small uniquenesses about themselves that make them amazing creatures. That they try to hide them and to blend in, like lemmings following a herd over a cliff. 

So many people who could choose to color outside the lines, love to be able to put themselves into a type box: Nerd, Jock, Geek, Stoner, Straight Edge, Hippie, Hopeless Romantic etc. Sad part is I embrace many of these different group types. To find one person who can engage me on all levels and keep my attention, is almost impossible. 

"A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway."  Griffin (MIB3)

I believe we create our own miracles not so much through grand gestures but through small and random acts of kindness. 

It's Been Awhile....

I go through these periods of feeling uninspired. When I write it is because I want to or need to.  So often I have spoken about the Pandora's box of my life. How I have seen too much to go back and just be that plain Jane sort of gal. The doting wife, who adores her husband and trusts him implicitly.
Not much has changed from that mentality for me. However as life never fails to be uninteresting, fate brought me some one new recently.
While most men are nothing more then snowflakes melting on the window of my life I had hoped this one would not befall the same set of circumstances.
I was trolling good old craigslist bored out of my mind one day and found an ad. It was supposedly an Uncle and Nephew seeking a threesome with a BBW.
My curiosity was piqued to say the least. Just to find out how an Uncle and Nephew got into sharing women together. Come on, you know even if you find it disgusting you are a bit intrigued right? lol
So Woody, the Uncle replied to my email. He sent me his nephew's phone number as well as his. I decided to call Junior and see what the deal was. I knew if he was young enough he wouldn't be able to resist my charms and would tell me the truth. Well, as usual it was a lie. They are not Uncle and Nephew just good friends who swing together.
However I had such a good rapport with Junior that I decided to proceed with talking to them both and meeting them. Junior and I have six degrees of separation all over the place. Same friends, work places etc. But I just couldn't stay away despite the risk of someone we both know finding out what a naughty girl I am.
The threesome was exceptional. One of the best sexual experiences I have ever had. Both men were engaging and kind, complimentary and very attentive.
After the experience I knew I wanted to keep in touch with them both. At first I thought that Junior and I would have more chemistry then his older counter part. I was surprisingly mistaken. Woody and I both love music especially older genres. We found a comfort in playing the old Daddy, daughter roles and started to live out some of our fantasies together.
I was comforted by his age and experience as well as his over all concern for my well being and life.
The second time we were together not a word was spoken between us but the sex was powerful. I left the door open and pretended to be asleep in bed. All dressed up like a good girl, pigtails, white little tank top and panties with rainbow trim, holding my blanket and teddy bear tightly as I sucked on my thumb.
He snuck in and wasted no time in taking full advantage of my body. Especially my ass. He spared no niceties as he spanked me and fucked me. Scratching and biting my back, ass and thighs. He re-entered my ass over and over again to make sure I knew it was his fuck toy. He then made me suck his cock and lick his balls and ass until he cam. It was a perfect money shot, right on the tip of my tongue. By the time he was done, my pussy was dripping wet. I was completely soaked. He covered me up with my blanket and handed me my teddy. As soon as he left I rolled over and in no time my pussy was pulsing and coming very hard.
Of course he left me two beautiful gifts on my night stand. A DVD and Music CD with artists he knew I loved. Both were adorned with pictures of me and the artists he put on the discs. It was such a beautiful gesture.
Every day even though both of us busy with our real lives we made sure to check in with one another. He had invited me to attend parties with him and I was glad to come as "Daddy's Little Girl." I had even planned some special things for the first party as he was going to make sure one of my very dark and dirty fantasies was going to come true.
Then today of all fucktarded days. Valentine's Day jammed right into the middle of perfectly good sex. I had expressed to him that I was also dating "Regular" men. But this morning I got a dissertation about whether or not I expected anything from him because of the date. Really? We aren't dating. This isn't high school. He doesn't need to buy me roses and a balloon to keep fucking me.
Just like I have heard men say about women, "There are guys you fuck and guys you marry."
I was loving our rapport and friendship. The fantasy was so much fun why the fuck was he complicating things?
Later that day the deadly "I need to talk to you"  text came. It was more Valentine's Day fun. But this time it was horrific. I was in the middle of a busy day with my daughter as I usually am mid-week and he is laying into me because I sent the party organizer for the first party we were supposed to a message. I treated him like I would treat any man I didn't know who sent me a solicitation with out reading my profile and with out using the right head to think of something even remotely clever to say to me.
Now Woody was berating me via text about me not trusting him and why I wrote it.
I am sorry when did we become a couple? Last time I checked I was a single woman. Let me make sure - yeah the left side of my bed still empty, checking account still just one name on it and oh yeah that ring finger still bare.
I am sad. Because I thought I finally found a man who understood me. I can care about people with out being in love with them. While I may choose to give up complete control at times that doesn't mean I am some stupid wilting mush who has no opinion or spinal cord.
Fact is I am choosing to give up my control. I am just really disappointed. I thought I finally found some one I could be really comfortable with. Some one who wouldn't judge me or treat me like I am some idiotic slit.
The whole thing upset me. I had to contain myself from crying in the middle of my daughter's weigh ins.
I may never find what I want. But I thought finally I soft place to land. Some where to be safe and some one to be safe with.
I still am unsure as to how I want to handle this. Any man who has done this prior with out having a serious stake in my life has been shown the door. I am torn.