Just One Dinner

I spend hours finding the right dress. Low cut, sexy, revealing something I couldn't have worn 5 years ago when we first met. It doesn't have a built in bra. I spend days finding Bare Lifts, gels to cover my nipples and clothing tape to make sure the perfect dress looks good and doesn't have a wardrobe malfunction when I am out. I get my nails done. I find a great restaurant (The Red Cat in Clifton) neither of us has been to so that we can actually have something that we haven't shared with any one else. Best part yet, it has Karaoke so I can finally show Joe something that is special to me - singing.
All I wanted was one dinner. One special memory that to prove I am more then just some girl he fucks and hides from his family. In the first hour there he sends me text messages about how the bar tender wants me. I wanted to sit at a table. I wanted the normalcy of being intimate in conversation without some group of teenagers coming from mid evil times or some bar tender talking to us about Tiger Woods. Just one nice dinner so I could feel like he cared about me for more then what is between my legs.
He proceeds to try to convince me we should leave and get take out from the Hot Grill and go home and eat there. But I don't want to eat shitty food from a fast food place in my bed. I do that alone at least once per week. Most of my meals are in front of my computer or in bed. Eating at my dinner table alone just reinforces the fact that I have no one. At least at the computer I am diluted by face book or in front of a tv I can drown out my loneliness with bad dramatic movies on HBO.
When I won't leave he gets so drunk he passes out at the bar. I finally get up to sing. Me & Bobby Mcgee by good old Janis Joplin. He doesn't even hear it. I ordered food to go. I drive home. He can hardly walk at this point. Just one dinner apparently was too much to ask.
I sit down to eat a meal at my dinner table alone. The food is so amazing even though it is not served hot at the restaurant. I start crying because I am over whelmed. I spent so much time and money trying to make tonight something nice for us both. I wanted to talk to him privately. I wanted to tell him that despite the fact that he doesn't want a committed relationship that loving some one isn't about making them fit your expectations. I wanted to tell him that I was prepared to love him no matter what as long as he promised to try to be honest with me and respect me. Because fact is I know he cares about me. I know he is scared I will leave him. I want him and only him, even when he ruins the evening I spent weeks preparing. But it hurts. I just wanted one dinner. I didn't think it was too much to ask.