And So It Goes

So needless to say Joe and I never had our deep and meaningful conversation. It is probably just as well considering his behavior. Now I am having second thoughts. If only for the fact that he is now obviously distancing him self from me. Part of me wants to believe it's because he is embarrassed about the other night. But a large part of me knows it's because his feelings bother him. He likes to be in control and reserved.
So many things are beginning to come together now. Why he never wants to go out. Why he has kept me from his family. He has nephews that are in my dating range also. He doesn't want to be jealous. I know it bothers him. So now we play the game of him emotionally distancing himself from me until the fear of losing me subsides.
This doesn't feel good at all. In fact it is the exact opposite of what I want and need right now.
Some one once told me that when a boy makes your cry from sadness more then he makes you cry from laughter it's time to say good bye to him.
Odd part is as sad as I am not crying but I am really angry that he is that scared of this relationship. I am not sure how to react or act. There is a strong urge in me to do what most normal women do and for every day he doesn't act accordingly to tack on a day of avoiding him to teach him a lesson. But I don't want to be a teacher.
At the same time all of the back and forth makes me want to scream, "For fuck sake I am not a yo-yo." At this point I begin to wonder if this is how so many other men have felt regarding me. I have been just as guilty of doing what Joe is doing to me to other men. Chase, chase, chase... catch then run away because I can't handle the emotions. God it sucks. Why can't it all just be easy?
I am not going to contact him unless he contacts me and let's see what happens. But honestly if a man is 45 years old and he can't wrap his head around the fact that when you are dating a woman who is out going and attractive that other men are going to notice her, I seriously can't help him. He is beyond my assistance.
But the insecurity and the jealousy are par for the course in my life. And it's not that I date jealous or insecure men I just seem to inspire that emotion in men who are normally very grounded. For some reason the men that I date can't handle sharing me. I wish it was an ego boost all it ends up doing is making me feel like a caged sex toy. Ultimately it leads to the destruction of the relationship because I know that I can have a man's attention with out all the strings of commitment. With out all the sacrifice. Is Joe really worth the sacrifice? Only time will tell.

And So It Goes

 Billy Joel

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you're the only one who knows

 

 

Just One Dinner

I spend hours finding the right dress. Low cut, sexy, revealing something I couldn't have worn 5 years ago when we first met. It doesn't have a built in bra. I spend days finding Bare Lifts, gels to cover my nipples and clothing tape to make sure the perfect dress looks good and doesn't have a wardrobe malfunction when I am out. I get my nails done. I find a great restaurant (The Red Cat in Clifton) neither of us has been to so that we can actually have something that we haven't shared with any one else. Best part yet, it has Karaoke so I can finally show Joe something that is special to me - singing.
All I wanted was one dinner. One special memory that to prove I am more then just some girl he fucks and hides from his family. In the first hour there he sends me text messages about how the bar tender wants me. I wanted to sit at a table. I wanted the normalcy of being intimate in conversation without some group of teenagers coming from mid evil times or some bar tender talking to us about Tiger Woods. Just one nice dinner so I could feel like he cared about me for more then what is between my legs.
He proceeds to try to convince me we should leave and get take out from the Hot Grill and go home and eat there. But I don't want to eat shitty food from a fast food place in my bed. I do that alone at least once per week. Most of my meals are in front of my computer or in bed. Eating at my dinner table alone just reinforces the fact that I have no one. At least at the computer I am diluted by face book or in front of a tv I can drown out my loneliness with bad dramatic movies on HBO.
When I won't leave he gets so drunk he passes out at the bar. I finally get up to sing. Me & Bobby Mcgee by good old Janis Joplin. He doesn't even hear it. I ordered food to go. I drive home. He can hardly walk at this point. Just one dinner apparently was too much to ask.
I sit down to eat a meal at my dinner table alone. The food is so amazing even though it is not served hot at the restaurant. I start crying because I am over whelmed. I spent so much time and money trying to make tonight something nice for us both. I wanted to talk to him privately. I wanted to tell him that despite the fact that he doesn't want a committed relationship that loving some one isn't about making them fit your expectations. I wanted to tell him that I was prepared to love him no matter what as long as he promised to try to be honest with me and respect me. Because fact is I know he cares about me. I know he is scared I will leave him. I want him and only him, even when he ruins the evening I spent weeks preparing. But it hurts. I just wanted one dinner. I didn't think it was too much to ask.

Once a Domme....Always a Domme

The past few weeks have been whirlwind in nature. I have been seeing my ex Joe a lot lately. When I don't see him he sends me text messages all the time and he skypes me almost every night or at least he did until two days ago. I had hoped we were building something special. I think I just diluted myself because I want it so badly. Or maybe it was all the mixed behaviors he was giving me. I always knew he had problems with commitment but honestly I could care less. If he is my best friend on the whole world and we are honest with one another then nothing else matters.

Well the other night my disillusionment came to a screeching halt. I managed to put two and two together and figured out why he didn't bring women to his apartment. The home he rents belongs to his " 38 year old, nosy, female landlord who lives close by." His words, not mine piled together over years and several conversations we had. His female best friend owns the home. Which explains why he tries to save her money and manages the property for her. None of this would have phased me if he had just told me rather then using all of those most flattering phrases at different times to not tell me it was her who owned the house. But after asking him on several occasions and having him side step me on a direct answer just goes to show I am nothing but another piece of flesh to fuck and lie to.

At least the lie was good this time. Last time we dated I knew he didn't really care about me as a person. It was about how we made each other feel. It was mutually meaningless on both parts. Until I got to know him then and well, I will say this it's sad when you think you love some one more then they love them self.
Truth is in a professional setting, as a friend, with any one who doesn't fuck him, he is a great guy. When it comes to women he has so much baggage, as it turns out love doesn't conquer all.

When I confronted him I wasn't angry. I just felt sad and stupid and I told him that. Sad because he felt like he needed to lie to me and stupid for not seeing it sooner. He accused me of being jealous and he proceeded to scream at me on the phone at two different times. I simply hung up. Then he left a very angry, profane message on my voice mail.

It was then I realized that he just didn't respect me as a person. I am not even his girlfriend. What in the hell would give him any idea that he could ever speak to me that way? It was this behavior that lead to us departing the time prior.

I sent him this email:

Dear Joe,

 

I get home and I go to email you a message on facebook to explain things and find out you have blocked me completely.

 I have always wondered why you are so against bringing women to your house. Then it dawned on me. Why you would never tell me who owned the house but you said she was a 38 year old woman and you were trying to convince her to sell it to you. Why you would actively want to help your land lord save money - then tonight when again I offer to come over and see you and you declined - I put it all together in my head.  It's not that I don't want you to take care of your father or that I have anything against your friendship with June. It wasn't even about all that happened tonight but the events were the catalyst for me putting two and two together.

I got upset because I realized you withheld important information from me. Which means you still don't trust me. And it wasn't just that it was that I was willing to trust you with my body, my home, my heart and you still you keep lumping me into the same category with every other woman you have dated or slept with. I wasn't angry at all I was just sad and I told you I felt stupid. Despite every thing I have been through with men and even though you hold some of the same traits as men who have done a great deal of harm in my life, I never allowed myself to believe you would do the same things to me that they did.

You know something. If you ever do find some one that you fall in love with you will understand that you love them for everything they are as well as everything they are not. You appreciate the people in their life regardless of the situation because they are part of the person you are in love with.

When I went to the Renaissance Fair last week, I had my cards read. I know most people thinks it's nuts. Woman told me I was stuck and tongue tied.  That I had a lot invested in something or some one but wasn't fully committed to it or them. That I needed to make a decision because it was all or nothing and open my mouth and tell the truth. I knew it was about you. I was still skeptical about a lot of things. So I really had to assess if I was willing to lose you over issues that really weren't all that important in the grand scheme of things. Like a title, or a ceremony or a bad habit or two.

Truth is I fell in love with you years ago and then you made it clear then I was just your whore. I wanted things to be different now and I told you that. I would have been extremely satisfied with being a friend with benefits- emphasis on friend. When I said I would trade anything to be in June's place it's because you respect her and you cherish her friendship. When it all came down to it rather then having confidence in me and listening to me the way you might if I were her - you made it clear once again through your words and actions I am just your whore. Joe I was under the illusion that you cared about me. I realized tonight you don't like me, you like how I make you feel. There is nothing wrong with that. As I said I know my lot in life, I don't need any one to remind me. I am just your whore and I know that. Anything I felt between us was obviously on my side only judging from how you reacted and treated me tonight. I am sorry for my assumptions that I meant something to you, they were foolish and wrong.

I am sorry things didn't work out. All relationships end eventually. I am sorry that this happened on the eve of your vacation. Joe I wish you all the best. Good Luck.


Love Always,


Jayme

Joe proceeded to send me a text message that said "I am sorry you feel that way." I responded, "How should I feel." We retorted back and forth at seven am prior to him leaving for his trip. We agreed to skype when he got to his destination. When he got there he informed me that there was no reception in the room, only the lobby.


I emailed him this: 

Go have fun with June we can talk when you get back ok? :)

He sent me an email saying he was sorry as well as two others telling me how hot I was and encouraging me to send more pictures:
 

"I unblocked you on facebook, I just thought you were being a Psycho, SORRY, my fault. My sis says dad is better, I was just really freaked out that night and not paying attention to your feelings, Sorry."

Ok so I get it, he is sorry and had he even remotely showed any concern for me as a person on any of the three emails he sent me rather then just telling me how much he wanted me. I would have completely forgiven him. But the emails were just the nails in the coffin that I knew my heart would lay in eventually.

This was my reply:


Joe,

I accept your apology and I really would have preferred to talk about this when you got back. The way you acted that night, you were acting psycho. You screamed and cursed at me for no reason. I wasn't angry and I told you that.You didn't even give me a chance to explain myself. If you will remember it was that exact behavior that caused us to stop speaking 5 years ago. Actually it's funny because when you yelled at me then you said to me this is my job you don't fuck with my job. It was about the fact that I was the one who had spoken to you about your boss having an insurance policy for you and on you. My manager at work pressured me into emailing your boss. Between him and the fact that Guinevere and I were living in a shelter at the time I did it. I really could have used the money for an apartment. But I was too ashamed to tell you. You refused to talk to me after that. I figured I would never hear from you again.

I think we need to dial things back a bit until you learn how to trust and respect me. Whenever you get upset you assume I will react like every other woman so you treat me as such.
There is nothing in all three emails asking me how I am or telling me that you miss me. You aren't obligated to do either, but at the same time I can not be a back and call girl for a man who doesn't care about me as a person. This is my fault, I have not set any boundaries with you, I have not held to my own comfort zone because I wanted to take a chance that this might be something more then it was last time.

You know I get you. I know you suck at commitments and talking about your feelings. And I accept those limitations. Any man can buy a ring or say I love you, neither of those are hard to do. The hardest thing I have found for men is to be completely honest with one woman and respect her as an equal. Until the other night I thought I had that with you. Until that point I felt so special because not only were you sharing your fantasies with me but you were talking to me about important things in your life.

I also know the reason you are so tepid about ever getting really involved with me is because of Guinevere. You are one of those men who likes his life the way it is and having a child in your life means you can not come home every night and get naked. It means not being able to jerk off when ever you feel like it. Having a child alters life, period. Children are a sacrifice, but the rewards are so incredible that the small adjustments people make to have them is really worth it. At least from my prospective. If you will notice there are certain things I have adjusted in my life but I am still me. I still have my play time and I keep my home the way I want it. But I knew going into parenthood that if I didn't raise her properly from the start I would end up like every one else who is a slave to their child's every want and desire. I know the thought of even facing parenthood probably scares the fuck out of you. Trust me before I became a parent is scared me also. It all about ignorance and experience.

I was willing to fore go my wants and wishes because I really thought what we had was special. I thought I was different to you. Now I feel like I am just part of the dog pile of pussy in your life Joe.

When making ham and eggs; the chicken is involved, while the pig has to sacrifice it's life for the cause. I have allowed you to be the chicken. You get to lay the eggs and keep your life and comfort. I was willing to be the pig and go to slaughter as I am for any man I love. And sacrifice my life for the cause because I believed in it. Going forward I am going back to being a chicken until you are ready to be the pig.

If you want to send me a friend request on facebook feel free. When you block some one it removes them from your list of friends. I am sorry Joe I just can't keep putting my self out there while you play it safe.

We can talk when you get back.

Jayme
 
He tried calling me twice. Since I was on my way to work and at work when he called I did not answer out of fear that he would yell at me again. The night prior he embarrassed me in front of several coworkers both times because I wasn't expecting him to curse and yell. He hasn't called since then. 

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My heart is just beginning to figure out what my head knew all along. That men will always love me for how I make them feel and not for who I am. Once the Domme.....always the Domme.

Under Consideration

As many of you know and quite a few of you don't I used to be a professional Dominatrix at one point in my life. I gave it up for several reasons. The main reason other then the effect it would have on my daughter was the fact that it was ruining my opinion of men. There is something to be said about the cowardice of men who can not express their fantasies and feelings to the woman they have professed to love before God. Can some one really love you for who you are if you hide parts of yourself from them?
My clients always disgusted me. Dishonesty in general makes me ill. Probably because a lot of my life was bathed in lies and deception. I understand why people in the BDSM community hate professionals. It is the watered down, impure, fast food version of a commitment that should be built on trust, honesty, mutual respect and admiration within a Dominant/submissive relationship.
Recently though the money is a draw to me. I am working 35 hours a week for what I could have made in 2 as a Domme. In thinking abut my future and what I want my life to look like I have to wonder if I am making the right sacrifices.
I know if I really wanted to go into that business again and I put an effort into it I would be wealthy and comfortable, from a merely socially acceptable point of view. But I lose who I am. I lose Jayme Lin when Mistress Al Italia is unleashed on the world. She is my monster. My protector. She derives pleasure from the pain and misfortune of others. I know it must sound like I have multiple personality disorder but there isn't a thing she does that I am not aware of. She is a well developed mask that guards me when needed. Sometimes I shutter at how I am when I am acting as her. Other times I crave it like a crack whore wants her rock.
Everything in life has a price. If I could live in both worlds with out fear of reprisal. To be open and expressive and honest about what I truly am and not just on this blog but to embrace my soft side and my hardness as one person. Honestly it would be as if a bird and a fish got married. There are not a lot of places the two could exist in harmony together.
Sad though. Recently with so many requests I have considered going back to having clients. But my main concern is why. Most of my life is in order. There is only one thing that is making me feel out of control. My feelings for Joe. Going back to being a Domme would ruin the relationship. It would allow me to regain control of my feelings and emotions surrounding the sexual aspect of my life. I am still very unsure as to how to proceed. For now I will just keep all things under consideration.

Leather

Tori Amos

Look I'm standing naked before you
Don't you want more then my sex
I can scream as loud as your last one
But I can't claim innocence

Oh God
Could it be the weather
Oh God
Why am I here
If love Isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

I could just pretend that you love me
The night would lose all sense of fear
But why do I need you to love me
When you can't Hold what I hold dear

Oh God
Could it be the weather
Oh God
Why am I here
If love Isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

I almost ran over an angel
He had a nice big fat cigar
"In a sense" he said "You're alone here
So if you jump you best jump far"

Oh God
Could it be the weather
Oh God
Why am I here
If love Isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

Love Means

Love Means Trust

Trust in each other

Trust in the relationship

Trust in the love we share

 

Love Means Freedom

Freedom to be who I am

Freedom to be who I want to become

Freedom to do what I want

Love Means Giving

Giving of myself

Giving of yourself

Giving until there is nothing left to give

Love Means Forgetting

Forgetting to be selfish

Forgetting anyone else ever held your heart

Forgetting the small things that annoy one another that we may do each day

Love Means Forgiving

Forgiving the things we've said in the heat of an argument

Forgiving each others mistakes

Forgiving one another's short comings

Forgiving ourselves

Love Means Staying

Staying through the fights

Staying through the good as well as bad times

Staying by eachothers side during the darkest hours

Love Means Talking

Talking about our feelings

Talking about what's wrong

Talking about what's right

Talking to each other with an open heart and mind

Love Means Honesty

Honesty with ourselves

Honesty with one another

Honesty even when it hurts

Love is pure, raw emotion that has no fear

Love is one of the only real things left in life worth having

Love strengthens who we are and what we will become

Love let's us grow on our own and with one another, together

Love conquers and endures all things