Under Consideration

As many of you know and quite a few of you don't I used to be a professional Dominatrix at one point in my life. I gave it up for several reasons. The main reason other then the effect it would have on my daughter was the fact that it was ruining my opinion of men. There is something to be said about the cowardice of men who can not express their fantasies and feelings to the woman they have professed to love before God. Can some one really love you for who you are if you hide parts of yourself from them?
My clients always disgusted me. Dishonesty in general makes me ill. Probably because a lot of my life was bathed in lies and deception. I understand why people in the BDSM community hate professionals. It is the watered down, impure, fast food version of a commitment that should be built on trust, honesty, mutual respect and admiration within a Dominant/submissive relationship.
Recently though the money is a draw to me. I am working 35 hours a week for what I could have made in 2 as a Domme. In thinking abut my future and what I want my life to look like I have to wonder if I am making the right sacrifices.
I know if I really wanted to go into that business again and I put an effort into it I would be wealthy and comfortable, from a merely socially acceptable point of view. But I lose who I am. I lose Jayme Lin when Mistress Al Italia is unleashed on the world. She is my monster. My protector. She derives pleasure from the pain and misfortune of others. I know it must sound like I have multiple personality disorder but there isn't a thing she does that I am not aware of. She is a well developed mask that guards me when needed. Sometimes I shutter at how I am when I am acting as her. Other times I crave it like a crack whore wants her rock.
Everything in life has a price. If I could live in both worlds with out fear of reprisal. To be open and expressive and honest about what I truly am and not just on this blog but to embrace my soft side and my hardness as one person. Honestly it would be as if a bird and a fish got married. There are not a lot of places the two could exist in harmony together.
Sad though. Recently with so many requests I have considered going back to having clients. But my main concern is why. Most of my life is in order. There is only one thing that is making me feel out of control. My feelings for Joe. Going back to being a Domme would ruin the relationship. It would allow me to regain control of my feelings and emotions surrounding the sexual aspect of my life. I am still very unsure as to how to proceed. For now I will just keep all things under consideration.

Leather

Tori Amos

Look I'm standing naked before you
Don't you want more then my sex
I can scream as loud as your last one
But I can't claim innocence

Oh God
Could it be the weather
Oh God
Why am I here
If love Isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

I could just pretend that you love me
The night would lose all sense of fear
But why do I need you to love me
When you can't Hold what I hold dear

Oh God
Could it be the weather
Oh God
Why am I here
If love Isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

I almost ran over an angel
He had a nice big fat cigar
"In a sense" he said "You're alone here
So if you jump you best jump far"

Oh God
Could it be the weather
Oh God
Why am I here
If love Isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather