It has been a long time since I last wrote on my blog site. Needless to say I have been distracted. Mostly by people not worth my time or attention. Today I am numb. I did something foolish. While I know why I did what I did it as well as the after effects. And despite the pain it has caused for both my self as well as the other person who was my main distraction from reaching my life goals, it needed to happen. In matters of love there is usually a giver and a taker. Life is never ideally balanced nor is love. In this case it was an unmatched but mutually parasitic relationship that needed to die a long time ago. Two people bringing out the worst in one another. I was so tired of that old life I used to live. It was filled with lies and sadness and chaos.
Something about him beckoned me. I used to feel as if I were a Unicorn, last of my kind, rare and unique until he entered my life. We are two sides of the same coin. But I have moved past that phase of my life. I had worked on not being part of any of my old activities and given up the largest part of my old self. I no longer want to live in it. I have no desire to go back to a state of mentality that is distrusting and untrustworthy. Having him in my life so intimately, always there, always confiding in one another's thoughts and feelings brought me back to a place I so desperately have tried to crawl out of. Instead of pouring my time, effort and emotion into developing my skills as a writer and enhancing who I am as a person I had spent the past few months giving myself to him unconditionally.
That all stopped today. While I feel a sense of loss and remorse over the events, I am also experiencing a sense of comfort and peace. This relationship was like watching a cancer patient in stage four of the disease. You know that death is inevitable, there is too much pain so you try to make the situation as comfortable as possible. Internally you feel guilty because as much as you love them you just want the pain and suffering to be over for you both.
I found some one new. Some one who wants to love me properly, some one who wants to be with me and God help me as much as I have cared for this dear friend of mine he taints my soul. He poisons my relationships with other men. He is a constant reminder of the bad men that are in this world. Men who lie and cheat and buy sex. Men who shelter their emotions like they are the gold in Fort Knox. Men who live in their own dysfunctional world unaware of how they have maimed women's hearts time and again.
I felt as if I needed to love him if only for my own past transgressions. I used to be like him. I lied and cheated and used men like they were nothing more then paper plates to be tossed in the garbage after one use. I was a very bad woman at certain points of my life. I am still struggling. I thought I might be strong enough to help him but many months ago I realized I was not. I needed to walk away. But I couldn't walk away, I kept feeling my guilt and eating it like a large slice of cherry pie. Blood red and sweet but ever so bad for me.
Instinctively I knew what I was doing would end the friendship. I know him well enough to push the right buttons. As a precaution to him pursuing our friendship (on the off chance that he is so lost and pathetic to forgive me out of his own co-dependent needs) I have deleted him and blocked him from every technological device I own. I am still debating changing my cell phone number because despite the block on calls he can still text me. Subconsciously I just want it to be over with.
People are gifts to us all. Sometimes they are permanent, sometimes they are temporary, some are lessons we need to learn and some we need to learn to give away. I could not keep him, I could not help him. The only solace that I can feel in what I did is that I have opened up lines of communication for him with some one who can.
