Fate

Some one recently told me that there is no such thing as fate. I should temper that statement with the fact this person also told me I should find a blind man if I wanted a man to love me for my mind rather then my body.

I do believe in fate. I think it is a mixture of decision and luck and today I was proven right again. In order for this blog to make sense to most, you should know a little back ground information about me. I have always lived an active life style but my weight as always been an issue for me.

I was very badly abused, sexually from ages 8 until about 13. That was when I started to gain weight. During my freshman year of high school I was also raped by a classmate at school. At that point I emotionally collapsed. There was a myriad of other things going on in my life that were detrimental to my metal health and after a failed suicide attempt I finally got some sorely needed therapy.

I didn't quite realize how much the sexual abuse and rape effected me until I went from 160 pounds in weight at the end of my Sophomore year to 130 pounds the beginning of my Junior year. Rather then being the fat, funny girl that guys just wanted to be friends with I became the object of attention. The Senior Class President who was also Co-Captain of the Football team and class Salutatorian took an interest in dating me. I soon became the “It” girl of my class.

All of the attention (while I did enjoy it to some extent) was over whelming. Once my relationship with the man of the hour ended and other men started showing an interest in me, I began to gain the weight back. While I didn't want to admit it at the time I hated being sexually objectified.

Situations with men left me feeling vulnerable and sacred. It altered the course of my life. I made my college decisions on fear rather then pursuing my dreams. Each decision that I made spiraled my weight gain out of depression.

My interpersonal relationships with men were always strained. While I longed to find a man whom I could love and trust it always seemed to escape me. I found ways to avoid difficult sexual situations. It is no joke or coincidence that my character name means Sexual Dominance. I am what is commonly referred to by many as a Domme or Dominatrix. For a long time it was merely my way of being able to have intimate relationships with men with out having to deal with the discomfort of traditional sexual situations.

I thought I had finally found real love and a good relationship in my daughter's father. However when I got pregnant he abandoned me after being in a relationship with me for over four years.

This simply fueled my distrust and lack of over all belief in men even further. But at the same time it became a turning point for me.

I was tipping the scale at 333 pounds. I jokingly said I should make a wish at the doctor's office during a prenatal visit. The nurse said you should wish that both you and this baby make it through this pregnancy at that weight. Very cold, very mean but it hit home with me. Sometimes blunt honesty is what people need in order to make a change.

During my pregnancy I lived in even more fear but it was a different kind. I feared that anything I ate or did could have a negative impact on my child's health. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes so I had to monitor my food intake and blood sugar levels as well as my stress levels.

I went from the 333 pounds to 285 pounds post pregnancy. Since then I have slowly lost another 65 pounds. 220 as of this morning.

So back to fate.... I recently met some one whom I thought cared deeply for me. He made me believe that love was possible. That there was at least one man who could love me for me. However after some very candid conversations I came to realize that this was not so. That my weight was an issue and this turn of events was anti-productive in regards to my weight loss as well as my desire to ever be in a committed relationship.

So this morning I was feeling a bit blah I turned on the tv and laid down in bed realizing I didn't have the remote. I couldn't find it so I damned myself into watching what ever was on. The Dr. Oz show came on and while I am familiar with his show I have never really had a desire to watch it. He had Rosie O'donnell on as a guest.

Rosie spoke very candidly about her weight. Her body type is similar to mine in that most of my body is extremely muscular and athletic except for my midsection. I gain all my weight in my stomach which most doctors state is directly stress related. Sadly I do not have many stress issues in my life that I would consider excessive.

I have two issues that are of great concern to me. This first is a genetic disorder that both my mother and sister have been diagnosed with called Von Recklinghausen's Disease or Neurofibromatosis. I have had other family members diagnosed with this as well. For my mother it has meant a life time of operations (26 with two more scheduled for this year). For my sister it meant that she was misdiagnosed at 16 being told she had cancer and living with a blood tumor in her leg which causes her constant pain and can not be removed with out crippling her, in addition to epilepsy and spinal issues.

But it isn't just that I have family members who carry this that cause me stress. It is the fact that despite my unwillingness to have the testing done needed to diagnose me, I know that I have it as well. They removed one tumor in me at 16 and I refused to let them do anything more after that. The dye that they use to diagnose the tumors almost killed both my mother and sister. While my uncle was not allergic to it after they removed some of his tumors he developed cancer in all the places they operated. He went from being 400 pounds, happy and loving life to 115 pounds and passing in less then a year and a half. Over 80 pounds of tumors were removed from his body.

I know that at least part of my weight is tumors in my body. I have been losing weight slowly so that it would give them time to lessen as they do develop along with body content. So my health is my biggest source of stress in my life. Worrying about what the future with hold for me, medically is a major concern. There is no confirmed treatment for this disease. There are operations for tumor removal (they can grow back and the new tumors as well as the old can be cancerous) as well as other ailments that are affiliated with the disease and there is pain management. Other then that there is no form of confirmed treatment as it is a genetic disorder with not a lot known about it.

I know many people wonder: Why not get it diagnosed? One simple reason: Guinevere. When I got pregnant and subsequently after I was consider medically un-insurable based on my weight as well as the gestational diabetes. I have been working toward getting h/w proportionate so that when I do pass she does not have to worry about my burial expenses and funeral costs. Medically if I am diagnosed I would become permanently un-insurable so far as life insurance goes as well as long term care. While I do not anticipate needing long term care I would also like to have a policy for that so that I am never a financial burden on her as she is my only child and probably will remain as such.

So these things worry me and stress me. Not much else other then having to deal with men in the real world is a major stressor for me.

Men who are submissive provide me with no discomfort but ideally I can never have a romantic involvement with them. My preference is not to be the rock in the relationship always providing stability. I would really enjoy finding a man who lets me be the balloon on occasion. Whimsical and light and not having to deal with the harsh realities that I bath in as a single mother and head of the house hold.

But dealing with men and them finding me attractive on an ongoing basis, especially when I have not expressed a desire for the attention bothers me greatly. I am driven by my intellect and emotion. Unless some one makes those types of connections with me, they can be the most handsome man of all times but they would hold no sense of attraction for me unless I find them to be a good, honorable and worth wild person to get to know. In fact I have met some very visually appealing people who repulsed me to the point of ad nauseum based on their behaviors.

So back to fate yet again....listening to Rosie inspired me because she spoke about weaknesses and how her sexual abuse effected her body image and weight. She spoke about how advances from men had caused a subconscious reaction in her, no matter how tepid the advance, it inspired her eat because she was uncomfortable and food was her comfort. I broke down because I can so relate.

While I joke a lot about sexually charged topics, it is a wicked defense which throws men off and keeps most at bay until I have come to a point of comfort with them. If I beat them to the punch line about doing something sexual with me, it allows me to maintain my control. It puts me in the driver's seat rather then being left with feelings of being victimized.

Listening to Rosie was cathartic and I feel a catalyst to fuel my weight loss forward. Recently a chain of events has made me realize that I am still very uncomfortable with unwanted advances from men. That I need to deal with those feelings in order to effectively deal with the weight loss.

In addition to my other inspirations I also learned that the added weight is also conducive to the development of cancer. While I know that my time on this earth may not be as long as most I would like to remain as healthy as possible so that I can enjoy every minute of it with the only person who has ever loved me unconditionally(and probably will ever be the only one), my daughter.

A Sigh of Relief

Marriage is an institution and I am not crazy enough that I need to be committed. I have said it before. I know it. I believe whole-heartedly in that statement. I also believe in the immortal words of Ben Franklin, "Those who give up freedom for security, neither deserve nor should they be afforded either one.”

For the past two months I have been fretting, anguishing, stressing and panicked over being committed. I am flirty and fun and sexual and being in a relationship with any man makes me feel like a trapped wolf ready to gnaw it's own leg off to escape.

Relationships come with expectations and dedication and to be quite honest unless some one can just love me for me I have little to no desire to live up to their standards. In fact I become adverse to boundaries placed on me when I feel that I am not “getting my monies worth” so to speak.

While the concept of having a life long best friend appeals to me greatly, the sacrifices that I would have to endure as a woman based on societal expectation (if only for outward appearance sake alone) are too great.

Life is far too short to allow myself to be so restricted and pigeon held. We get no dress rehearsal and so far as I know no one has gotten out alive.

I need constant, mutable input and interaction. I need new people to engage in constantly. Most men aside from psychical pleasure bore me in a very short time span. The ones that don't, I keep as friends, and as confidants as well as intimate partners on an as needed basis.

So I tried to be passive in my last endeavor and it became even more of a mangle disfigured mess then I had ever imagined it could. Neither one of us met each others expectations so far as romantic partners go.

We should have left it at friendship. He is a beautiful man with an amazing future ahead of him. But he needs time to grow and mature as well as to figure out what he wants and needs from life. I should have never been so ignorant to believe that love could transcend our differences in age, culture, education and lifestyle.

He was charming and he made me want to abandon all sense of logic. This was my fault. I have been on this earth far to long to not understand the limitations of most men. But his words and our connection gave me a sense of hope.

Hope has no place in my life style. Hope is the drunk uncle who shows up at parties and is fun for a while until he pisses in the punch bowl and ruins the affair for all who are in attendance.

Just as many times prior I will pick myself up and dust myself off. I will pivot and adjust. I will do what is needed to make my life mine again.

It is times like these that I am reminded that charity begins at home. When I care for some one, and I love them, I become selfless and engulfed in just wanting to give everything I am to that person. As of yet I have not found one who even comes close to being worthy of that type of dedication.

I do not conceit myself in the concept that I am perfect or wonderful or even glorious. But I know that I am special and amazing. I know that most women pale in comparison to my knowledge, personality and companionship.

I will not allow myself to live in an undervalued relationship for the mere sake of having some one to sleep beside me at night or the social comfort of not being single. Many committed people provide false pity to those of us on our own. As if it is a sin against God no not have to deal with the complications and disdain that most deal with in a romanticize commitment. Fact is they should turn pity back upon themselves for not being secure enough in who they are to live life on their own terms, without the constant comfort and lazy reliance of knowing they will having some one to turn to.


I do believe it is quite possible that since I have come to a state of interdependence in respect to my friendships, that I will never be satisfied with just one person. That no one man would or could ever live up to the network of partners I have created in order to maintain my freedom while ensuring all of my wants, needs and desires are satiated.


When you rely solely on one person for intimate companionship there is no mitigation. This is an archaic concept. The most successful organizations and people diversify their earnings, their investments and their income generation for the sole and expressed purpose of hedging against adversity. Why should interpersonal relationships be any different?


The best lesson I have gained from my most recent experience is that I need to be more firm with men in regards to their advances. I have known that for a very long time.


A butterfly serves no purpose if she can not travel from flower to flower. She is a symbol alone of beauty and joy and hope. She needs no other at her side in order for her to serve her main purpose in life. She may desire companionship, she may lust after it, but in all actuality having another caterpillar that she longs for and worries about, keeps her from transcending into the amazing winged creature she is meant to become. Even after her transformation she would be remiss in her duties if not to follow what contents her.


Just like love she must not be contained. It is a disservice to the world if it is locked away and hidden. Kept like a trophy or a prized possession.


While this phase of a relationship has ended it has spawned a new beginning. And while I am disappointed that it was not what I had hoped it would be, a great weight has been lifted. I breath a sigh of relief and for the first time in many weeks my heart is filled with joy and my head with anticipation of what is to come, rather then my eyes being filled with tears and my mind being cluttered with overwhelming sadness and fear.


The fire in the dragon has returned. Her passion and fervent zeal for life rises from the ashes of committed despair to rebirth her even stronger and more avarice then prior.


Rawr! Lol XD