About seven years ago I met Doctor Scott D. Fisch. Despite the fact that he was fresh out of medical school I chose him as my daughter's pediatrician. This was mostly due to the fact that he and I bonded even before we met face to face. He quickly became my confidant and friend not just in raising my daughter but for other arenas in my life as well. We exchange emails between Guinevere's visits, mostly when I need sage advice from some one who is not a main character in my life. Scott and I have always been candid with one another. However, now more so then ever I have started to open up to him about some of my more intimate thoughts and emotions.This was my most recent retort in our correspondence as I have been finding comfort in him while revitalizing my dating agenda:
"I made a poignant decision. I stopped dating to find a soul mate. I stopped looking at people and their profiles in the manner of; would this person be a good father or life partner. I decided that for all I do as a mom for Guine, I deserve to live this one aspect of my life for me. Once I did that, dating started to become fun again. It has actually been a very reaffirming situation as of late. So many of my ex boyfriends have been in touch with me because they want to reconnect.
The problem with men wanting sex right off the bat is simple. Because of my past I use to have a hard time with sex. I had issues with control and feelings of being used. During my teen years I turned to B.D.S.M. and quickly took on a dominant role for the control aspect of it. Guys loved it because it was different and kinky. It allowed me to avoid my discomfort with sex and intimacy. As I began to work through some of my issues with sex in adulthood and became part of loving relationships I began to love regular sex within the confines of said relationships. With out emotion behind it, sex for me is a no go. It is merely going through a primal mating ritual unless there is love behind the act and I am so above that. I would rather masturbate then then to subject myself to it. I know a lot of women are different. They are careless with their bodies. I am at a point in my life where I would feel more comfortable and am looking forward to being able to give up complete control to my partner in the bedroom. But trust, patience, time and friendship all have to be established prior to that. While sex should never be the main focus in any relationship I have to admit I do love it. Finding a partner that I can connect with mentally and emotionally is just as important to me as the physical part of it. I know it should all be there but from my own life experiences specifically with men, quite often they are dissatisfied with that aspect of their relationships. It is why we have a multimillion dollar porn industry in this nation. Unfortunately I usually end up suffering within my relationships because I tend to like extremely intelligent men who have little to no experience in this area. While all the other guys were out hitting on women they were hitting the books. When intelligent men lack knowledge in a certain area they tend to shy away from the topic all together.
Most of the time I wear a very good Samantha face (Sex in the City) with my girlfriends aka women's empowerment: Find him, fondle him, fuck him, forget him! In my heart I am so Charlotte. I want my great love story more then anything in the world. I haven't given up yet, nor do I intend on doing so. When I think about my life, my freedom and if I had to pay to keep it I think: what would it be worth to me? I would never give it up for any one who wasn't a truly amazing person. Some one who inspired me and cared for me with out me having to ask.
When you make a commitment to love another person for the rest of your life it takes away that single life you had, it takes away that freedom because you agree to becoming part of a unit. It is a partnership that encompasses every aspect of your life. At least from my prospective.
In my prior dating relationships I have settled into commitment for less then I expected out of fear of being alone. Part of it I think is that every one ingrains in your mind as a child, "You will understand some day when you are married." You never hear your parents or relatives say, "Ok now if you don't end up getting married this is a good plan." I had no plan.
I made a decision this year that when Guinevere turns eighteen in 2021, I am getting rid of all my home goods and traveling for the rest of my life. I will come home once a year during the holidays but I will be spending my days like Uncle Matt from Fraggle Rock. Sending postcards and well wishes from all the ends of the earth to my loved ones. This is barring the fact that I have not met my bashert. I think that finding a new dream allowed me to let go of the other. I think now more so then ever while it is still a dream of mine it is not some distant uncontrollable destiny I need to cling to. I have a plan, a course of action and my interpersonal relationships with men are merely entertainment until the right person presents himself if ever it should happen."
The problem with men wanting sex right off the bat is simple. Because of my past I use to have a hard time with sex. I had issues with control and feelings of being used. During my teen years I turned to B.D.S.M. and quickly took on a dominant role for the control aspect of it. Guys loved it because it was different and kinky. It allowed me to avoid my discomfort with sex and intimacy. As I began to work through some of my issues with sex in adulthood and became part of loving relationships I began to love regular sex within the confines of said relationships. With out emotion behind it, sex for me is a no go. It is merely going through a primal mating ritual unless there is love behind the act and I am so above that. I would rather masturbate then then to subject myself to it. I know a lot of women are different. They are careless with their bodies. I am at a point in my life where I would feel more comfortable and am looking forward to being able to give up complete control to my partner in the bedroom. But trust, patience, time and friendship all have to be established prior to that. While sex should never be the main focus in any relationship I have to admit I do love it. Finding a partner that I can connect with mentally and emotionally is just as important to me as the physical part of it. I know it should all be there but from my own life experiences specifically with men, quite often they are dissatisfied with that aspect of their relationships. It is why we have a multimillion dollar porn industry in this nation. Unfortunately I usually end up suffering within my relationships because I tend to like extremely intelligent men who have little to no experience in this area. While all the other guys were out hitting on women they were hitting the books. When intelligent men lack knowledge in a certain area they tend to shy away from the topic all together.
Most of the time I wear a very good Samantha face (Sex in the City) with my girlfriends aka women's empowerment: Find him, fondle him, fuck him, forget him! In my heart I am so Charlotte. I want my great love story more then anything in the world. I haven't given up yet, nor do I intend on doing so. When I think about my life, my freedom and if I had to pay to keep it I think: what would it be worth to me? I would never give it up for any one who wasn't a truly amazing person. Some one who inspired me and cared for me with out me having to ask.
When you make a commitment to love another person for the rest of your life it takes away that single life you had, it takes away that freedom because you agree to becoming part of a unit. It is a partnership that encompasses every aspect of your life. At least from my prospective.
In my prior dating relationships I have settled into commitment for less then I expected out of fear of being alone. Part of it I think is that every one ingrains in your mind as a child, "You will understand some day when you are married." You never hear your parents or relatives say, "Ok now if you don't end up getting married this is a good plan." I had no plan.
I made a decision this year that when Guinevere turns eighteen in 2021, I am getting rid of all my home goods and traveling for the rest of my life. I will come home once a year during the holidays but I will be spending my days like Uncle Matt from Fraggle Rock. Sending postcards and well wishes from all the ends of the earth to my loved ones. This is barring the fact that I have not met my bashert. I think that finding a new dream allowed me to let go of the other. I think now more so then ever while it is still a dream of mine it is not some distant uncontrollable destiny I need to cling to. I have a plan, a course of action and my interpersonal relationships with men are merely entertainment until the right person presents himself if ever it should happen."
After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And youbegin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers .
And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong you, really do have worth And you learn and, you learn with every goodbye, you learn...
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