I really enjoy the connection I feel we have made. Like I said last night, I look forward to seeing what the future holds for us. I am in, what feels like, a turning point in my life. I have school and a legal issue that I am dealing with, but I’m not worried about that interfering too much. Neither one of us can just drop what we are doing and move closer to one another. I know both of us understand that. Like you said, time and patience is the key to making us work. I want to see us work, and I am eagerly waiting on the day that this will come full circle. There are some things I think you should know about me. I think I am one of the few men left of a dying bread. I am very much into the arts. I love music, singing, and poetry. I tend to be very aware and sensitive to other people’s emotions, and I try to make other people happy. I think that two things I bring to this life is the ability to make people either very happy or very sad. I choose to make friends with people I meet. I feel gifted in the ability to make friends, and I have been fortunate enough to create very few enemies. I can be either very forgiving or very vengeful, and I can hold a grudge for a long time. The ones I love, like my family, are the most important to me. I have had some bad experiences with some of my extended family, and I have become emotionally withdrawn from them. I understand the differences between the uses of the term love, and what it means to be in love with someone. I am not afraid to tell someone I love them, but I never tell someo ne I love them unless I truly mean it. When I am in a relationship with someone, I truly love, I devote myself to her. I like to think that it is very easy to fall in love with me. I made a choice to stay single for a long time, and I am ready to find someone to devote myself to again. My tendency to lay my heart out has caused it to be broken, and I have to admit that I have broken some hearts of my own. My last couple relationships have gone sour, but fortunately the women I dated were not what I was looking for. I am not a one-night-stand kind of guy. However, I have had my share of flings and such throughout the years. If you choose to continue to go down this road with me, I intend on making you fall in love with me. I locked part of myself away from the rest of the world, but I feel that I can show you that part of me. I do not feel that being open with you is risking too much, but I am uncertain of the level of openness that I can have with you at this time. I think you need to know the real me. The more we get to know each other the more I think I will open up to you, and hopefully you will open up to me even more. The emotions I feel for you are teetering on the verge of love. The thought of loving you weighs heavily on my heart with a very attractive appeal. I am looking forward to this experience of falling in love with you. I just have a deep seeded fear of opening my feelings too much to you. I do not know how you will receive this, and I do not know what walls or barriers you have put up around yourself. You have a beautiful girl that you have to look out for, and you have to look out for yourself along with her. Lol. I feel like I just threw up my heart on the floor. xD
Andrew
11/22/11 He also Writes:
I think that little butterfly might speak more about you and your heart than you realize. I can see you have a tender heart. And, just like a butterfly when it approaches an outstretched hand to sit on, you’re hesitant to some degree and yet you maintain an adventurous attitude. You have passed the young caterpillar stage of your life, and you have come out a beautiful and strong woman. You are vibrant and beautiful. Your charisma is like the colors and patterns of the butterfly wing; thought provoking, captivating, and mysterious. Your flight patterns are somewhat sporadic until you find that flower to feed from. And, just like the butterfly, you have your own unique qualities, patterns, and beauty.
11/22/11 He also Writes:
I think that little butterfly might speak more about you and your heart than you realize. I can see you have a tender heart. And, just like a butterfly when it approaches an outstretched hand to sit on, you’re hesitant to some degree and yet you maintain an adventurous attitude. You have passed the young caterpillar stage of your life, and you have come out a beautiful and strong woman. You are vibrant and beautiful. Your charisma is like the colors and patterns of the butterfly wing; thought provoking, captivating, and mysterious. Your flight patterns are somewhat sporadic until you find that flower to feed from. And, just like the butterfly, you have your own unique qualities, patterns, and beauty.
Andrew
So I read these things and I allow the relationship to progress accordingly.
11/22/11 I reply to Andrew:
My Dearest Andrew,
I cannot begin to express what a blessing you already are to me. I gave up on the fairytale of finding some one a long time ago. In a lot of ways I have settled my thoughts into the concept that no one would understand me and therefore no one could ever really love me. I feel like the Marina Trench stuck in the middle of the Sahara Desert next to waning puddles.
Men have often tried to live up to what I need to be with great effort on their part. But the fact is that it should be effortless as least from an emotional stand point. I do not respond as most women do in many situations. I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing or a right or wrong thing. My mind is an analytical machine which dictates my emotions quite often. Most women I feel do not have the ability to connect or maybe the more correct term is disconnect their emotions from how they respond. Thus they act in a manner which is often not the most prudent course of action or would offer the best out come. Most men that I have come into contact with have been conditioned into responding to typical women and they don't often know what to do with me.
They can not buy my love or fool me with charm or even subdue me if they do things that are wrong or act in ways they know they should not.
I, like you, often feel as if I can make people feel wonderful in my responses or that I can be devastating to their emotions and ego. I have quite often pushed men I cared for away because I knew that they were not up to the challenge of being a good partner to me. Rather then doing them harm in the long run of knowing that it would not work out I have made the least menacing decision to walk away.
So I read these things and I allow the relationship to progress accordingly.
11/22/11 I reply to Andrew:
My Dearest Andrew,
I cannot begin to express what a blessing you already are to me. I gave up on the fairytale of finding some one a long time ago. In a lot of ways I have settled my thoughts into the concept that no one would understand me and therefore no one could ever really love me. I feel like the Marina Trench stuck in the middle of the Sahara Desert next to waning puddles.
Men have often tried to live up to what I need to be with great effort on their part. But the fact is that it should be effortless as least from an emotional stand point. I do not respond as most women do in many situations. I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing or a right or wrong thing. My mind is an analytical machine which dictates my emotions quite often. Most women I feel do not have the ability to connect or maybe the more correct term is disconnect their emotions from how they respond. Thus they act in a manner which is often not the most prudent course of action or would offer the best out come. Most men that I have come into contact with have been conditioned into responding to typical women and they don't often know what to do with me.
They can not buy my love or fool me with charm or even subdue me if they do things that are wrong or act in ways they know they should not.
I, like you, often feel as if I can make people feel wonderful in my responses or that I can be devastating to their emotions and ego. I have quite often pushed men I cared for away because I knew that they were not up to the challenge of being a good partner to me. Rather then doing them harm in the long run of knowing that it would not work out I have made the least menacing decision to walk away.
From my initial interactions with you I find you to be more than capable of being a good friend, possibly my life long best friend as well as a good partner to me, if given the opportunity. Last night you expressed the desire which I was unsure of your intent prior too. I find you to be open. You told me private things about yourself that you did not need to share with me. Last night as I fell asleep all I could think to myself was how amazing you are. That you take ownership of you actions - good or bad,but more importantly that despite the fact that you like me and have an interest in me you do not shy away from sharing embarrassing things with me as if I were your oldest and dearest friend. That is why it was a great morning. Who would think a small story about you drooling in class would have such a touching effect on a woman. :)
Before we go further there are a million things I want you to know but I will limit it to the important details that might have an effect on us. Please be aware that these things have effected who I am and I don't often share my personal thoughts or feelings about this with many people.
We discussed the abuse I incurred as a child. We have not gone too much in depth with my personal information after that. As a young teen I was afraid of men and sexual contact. I was extremely uncomfortable with my body. I was over weight so between my sophomore and junior year on Summer break I lost 50 pounds. I went from 180 pounds to 130 pounds. Guys changed from wanting to be my friend to putting their hands all over me. I made the decision then that a person's outside appearance would never factor into my decision on the level of depth or intimacy I would have with some one. I am not traditionally attracted to women but I have had a few relationships with women merely because I felt an intimate emotional connection to them personally.
In addition to that because the weight loss was not helpful in me feeling comfortable with sex or dealing with advances from men. I sought out alternative ways to deal with it so that I could maintain having relationships with men. I slowly developed into what is commonly referred to as a Domme or a Dominatrix. I have a myriad of experience in what is commonly refered to as BDSM but have very little experience in having sex and even less in being made love to. This is so the opposite of who I am as a person and what I truly want out of an intimate relationship. The power aspect of the types of relationships I have engaged in are appealing but what I feel that I really want and need is best described in a quote by Anais Nin,
“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
For this to happen I need some one that I can trust. As I told you last night men quite often lie about small things. Things that do not need to be lied about. This breaks the trust I have in them. You have such a good moral compass. You love the details. The other night when I was sending you tells about Snaggle and Beau and how I would protect any of you and not invite them to raid. In my mind I was telling you that I didn't want them there and not to invite them. But you were correct I did not specifically state that. That is how accurate your mind sees honesty. It is so specific and refined. More so then even mine. That impressed me. And I would have been more blunt but I was trying not to steal your man cookies. lol But even more impressive is that you called me on it but you didn't do it in a way that was harmful or demeaning or abusive.
You have just that careful with me prior as well. Telling me the things I need to hear when and how I need to hear them. It is refreshing. It is comforting. Because while many people in general would not welcome the constructive criticism, for me it is an indicator that you respect me as a person and that you care about me. That draws me to you.
Going back and to collectively envelope different aspects of both our letters and things that were said recently: I do have concerns. Your education and legal matters do not concern me at all, they are part of who you are at this moment and I met you knowing that from the start and I accept the limitations they place on us being together. I am a patient person when it comes to others. Things worth having such as an loving caring relationship are worth waiting for. When you love some one you want them to be successful and you want them to be ready to enter into the relationship openly without reservations regardless of the origin.
My concerns lie with me and myself. I have no patience when it comes to myself. My expectations for myself have always been very high. Where it pertains to you and I is how I perceive me. You are in outstanding shape. I am not. I don't fear you not loving me for what I am or that you are even the least bit shallow to care. The time and distance is a good thing at the moment because I know that I need to start taking better care of myself and I still have weight I need to lose prior to us meeting as well as being together as a couple.
I was almost 340 pounds at one point in my life and my clothing size was about 26-28. I am now down to 235-240 and I am in a size 18-20 but I am still not height/weight proportionate. I am only 5 foot 4 and this means that I am still nearly 100 pounds to my ideal weight. I have been putting it off out of my own laziness and quite frankly I hate the way men treat me when I am thin. Between my voice and my looks and my personality I am inundated with leering eyes, sexual advances and inappropriate touching that make me uncomfortable. I know I am pretty and smart and funny - I don't say that out of cockiness. I have been blessed. But just like all fairytales there is always a curse. When I have been my ideal weight I have been hurt in a lot of ways. The weight has kept men in real life at bay.
I need to get rid of this obstacle. This is the largest and hardest barrier I have put up to keep men out. I want your help and support if you are willing to help me despite the fact that we are not close together. Please know that everything you have done so far has already helped me. Just knowing that you are in this world has made me want to take the final steps to being healthy.
I already know that I love you Andrew. There is not much about you that I have found that even comes close to being unlikable. And just like you I am excited like a small child running down the the tree on Christmas morning to see what is there, each time we talk because I find myself being drawn into what we have found in one another and it just keeps getting better and better.
I have tempered telling you my thoughts and feelings due to not knowing how you would respond. Also because I did not want to burden you with my own emotions if we were not on the same path. But just like you I find myself falling and for the first time I don't feel scared because I know I am not alone.
I do agree with you whole heartedly that you are a breed of man that is almost extinct: What happens when two unicorns meet in the woods?.....I will let you know in 20 years :)
Talk to you tonight xoxo
Despite the distance I meet him in real life on Christmas Eve of all days. We spend the holidays together and on New Years Eve he tells me that my weight bothers him. I am devastated. A week of romance and sex and fun to hear that of all things? We dances and drank wine by candle light in my bed room. He presented me with a beautiful diamond and platinum butterfly pendant for Christmas. It was all a lie? He later admitted to me that he was making the best of a bad situation...
Before we go further there are a million things I want you to know but I will limit it to the important details that might have an effect on us. Please be aware that these things have effected who I am and I don't often share my personal thoughts or feelings about this with many people.
We discussed the abuse I incurred as a child. We have not gone too much in depth with my personal information after that. As a young teen I was afraid of men and sexual contact. I was extremely uncomfortable with my body. I was over weight so between my sophomore and junior year on Summer break I lost 50 pounds. I went from 180 pounds to 130 pounds. Guys changed from wanting to be my friend to putting their hands all over me. I made the decision then that a person's outside appearance would never factor into my decision on the level of depth or intimacy I would have with some one. I am not traditionally attracted to women but I have had a few relationships with women merely because I felt an intimate emotional connection to them personally.
In addition to that because the weight loss was not helpful in me feeling comfortable with sex or dealing with advances from men. I sought out alternative ways to deal with it so that I could maintain having relationships with men. I slowly developed into what is commonly referred to as a Domme or a Dominatrix. I have a myriad of experience in what is commonly refered to as BDSM but have very little experience in having sex and even less in being made love to. This is so the opposite of who I am as a person and what I truly want out of an intimate relationship. The power aspect of the types of relationships I have engaged in are appealing but what I feel that I really want and need is best described in a quote by Anais Nin,
“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
For this to happen I need some one that I can trust. As I told you last night men quite often lie about small things. Things that do not need to be lied about. This breaks the trust I have in them. You have such a good moral compass. You love the details. The other night when I was sending you tells about Snaggle and Beau and how I would protect any of you and not invite them to raid. In my mind I was telling you that I didn't want them there and not to invite them. But you were correct I did not specifically state that. That is how accurate your mind sees honesty. It is so specific and refined. More so then even mine. That impressed me. And I would have been more blunt but I was trying not to steal your man cookies. lol But even more impressive is that you called me on it but you didn't do it in a way that was harmful or demeaning or abusive.
You have just that careful with me prior as well. Telling me the things I need to hear when and how I need to hear them. It is refreshing. It is comforting. Because while many people in general would not welcome the constructive criticism, for me it is an indicator that you respect me as a person and that you care about me. That draws me to you.
Going back and to collectively envelope different aspects of both our letters and things that were said recently: I do have concerns. Your education and legal matters do not concern me at all, they are part of who you are at this moment and I met you knowing that from the start and I accept the limitations they place on us being together. I am a patient person when it comes to others. Things worth having such as an loving caring relationship are worth waiting for. When you love some one you want them to be successful and you want them to be ready to enter into the relationship openly without reservations regardless of the origin.
My concerns lie with me and myself. I have no patience when it comes to myself. My expectations for myself have always been very high. Where it pertains to you and I is how I perceive me. You are in outstanding shape. I am not. I don't fear you not loving me for what I am or that you are even the least bit shallow to care. The time and distance is a good thing at the moment because I know that I need to start taking better care of myself and I still have weight I need to lose prior to us meeting as well as being together as a couple.
I was almost 340 pounds at one point in my life and my clothing size was about 26-28. I am now down to 235-240 and I am in a size 18-20 but I am still not height/weight proportionate. I am only 5 foot 4 and this means that I am still nearly 100 pounds to my ideal weight. I have been putting it off out of my own laziness and quite frankly I hate the way men treat me when I am thin. Between my voice and my looks and my personality I am inundated with leering eyes, sexual advances and inappropriate touching that make me uncomfortable. I know I am pretty and smart and funny - I don't say that out of cockiness. I have been blessed. But just like all fairytales there is always a curse. When I have been my ideal weight I have been hurt in a lot of ways. The weight has kept men in real life at bay.
I need to get rid of this obstacle. This is the largest and hardest barrier I have put up to keep men out. I want your help and support if you are willing to help me despite the fact that we are not close together. Please know that everything you have done so far has already helped me. Just knowing that you are in this world has made me want to take the final steps to being healthy.
I already know that I love you Andrew. There is not much about you that I have found that even comes close to being unlikable. And just like you I am excited like a small child running down the the tree on Christmas morning to see what is there, each time we talk because I find myself being drawn into what we have found in one another and it just keeps getting better and better.
I have tempered telling you my thoughts and feelings due to not knowing how you would respond. Also because I did not want to burden you with my own emotions if we were not on the same path. But just like you I find myself falling and for the first time I don't feel scared because I know I am not alone.
I do agree with you whole heartedly that you are a breed of man that is almost extinct: What happens when two unicorns meet in the woods?.....I will let you know in 20 years :)
Talk to you tonight xoxo
Despite the distance I meet him in real life on Christmas Eve of all days. We spend the holidays together and on New Years Eve he tells me that my weight bothers him. I am devastated. A week of romance and sex and fun to hear that of all things? We dances and drank wine by candle light in my bed room. He presented me with a beautiful diamond and platinum butterfly pendant for Christmas. It was all a lie? He later admitted to me that he was making the best of a bad situation...
At the time we decided to keep dating while I lost weight because neither of us wanted to give up on the relationship. Not long after I told him it would be best if we were just friends. I refused to date some one who could not love and accept me for me.
My heart was broken but I did not want to give up. I refused to accept that this wasn't real. I spent almost two months starving myself, working out incessantly and I lost almost 30 pounds. But I still felt horrible because I was not what he would find attractive. I guess part of me just wanted him to want me again so I could reject him and tell him he wasn't good enough for me?
But in reality I wanted to hear the sweet words again that he wrote in his emails. To feel the love he had expressed prior to meeting me but tonight after many weeks of hating myself because I thought I had lost his love I realized somethings.
The first thing I realized is that he never wrote those emails to me. They were written to pursue a figment of his imagination. He was never in love with me, he was in love with his elevated perfect image of me he created his mind, all of it merely an illusion.
On a forum out of my own anger and frustration I had posted a question to men: "How could a man fuck a woman repeatedly if he were not attracted to her?" This was after I broke up with him. He became upset with my post after reading it.
So wrote I to him:
Andrew,
I am sorry what I wrote upset you. Andrew all I ever wanted for us was to be friends. You pursued me. You came to meet me because you expressed that was what you wanted. When you arrived I was ok for us to take things slow and you kissed me. I had a nice time that week and I thought you did too. On New Years Eve I was ready to go to Time's Square which would have made sense if you were not attracted to me. You declined and wanted to be alone with me.
Then you turn around and tell me that you were never attracted to me - that you were making the best of a bad situation. Even if that was true how mean and hurtful. You could have opted to go home - or just stay as my friend and not use me for your own sexual gratification. I would have done anything to make you comfortable. Even after expressing to me that my weight bothered you - you came on to me the next morning. Why fuck me? Because I was in love with you?
Most other women would be a lot less kind to you based on your words and actions Andrew. I have given you everything you wanted and asked for. Nothing is ever good enough. I have remained patient and kind because to be frightfully honest you remind me a lot of myself at that age.
I was head strong, independent, and nothing was ever good enough - nothing I did, nothing any one else could do, it was never up to standard. I was never satisfied. Worst part was I suffered in silence. I was depressed and isolated and I felt like no one cared about me. Like I could die and no one would even miss me after the funeral.
Andrew please know that I am upset at how things have happened. I am some what angry but I am mostly disappointed. I have lost what I thought was a good friend to me. Sex really doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I have lots of guys who want to fuck me, that do find me attractive. I don't say that to be cocky or to hurt you. I say it because while there are guys that want that from me they aren't important to me bc they never wanted to be my friend. I hope you were not lying about being my friend as well. I hope all of the time and effort you put into getting to know me wasn't just so you could get your cock wet in what you thought was a pretty girl.
But sadly based on how you have been treating me it seems that would be the case. I love you Andrew - you are very easy to fall in love with. However I am no longer in love with you. There has been too many things that have been said and done. I don't trust you. I would like to trust you and I would hope that we can repair this relationship so we can be at least friends in the future but I do not believe that is important or of any interest to you.
Regardless I wish you well. Maybe you can better explain your words and actions from your prospective at some point. I am still very confused about everything, mostly because we did have a connection and I thought we were both having fun when we were together. I am also confused about all of your talk about the future and plans based on what you said. I am trying to move on and just have some understanding for you and your position. I know at times what I want and need change from day to day.
You are at a turning point in your life. You have many new thins to deal with, which I am sure comes with a lot of emotions, thoughts and feelings. I will never judge you Andrew. I will help you if I can, I will support you no matter what you decide and most importantly I will love you unconditionally.
I do not expect nor do I want anything in return. I hope you find a sense of peace and what makes you happy in life. But know that you are never truly alone unless you choose to be, so long as I walk this earth.
But in reality I wanted to hear the sweet words again that he wrote in his emails. To feel the love he had expressed prior to meeting me but tonight after many weeks of hating myself because I thought I had lost his love I realized somethings.
The first thing I realized is that he never wrote those emails to me. They were written to pursue a figment of his imagination. He was never in love with me, he was in love with his elevated perfect image of me he created his mind, all of it merely an illusion.
On a forum out of my own anger and frustration I had posted a question to men: "How could a man fuck a woman repeatedly if he were not attracted to her?" This was after I broke up with him. He became upset with my post after reading it.
So wrote I to him:
Andrew,
I am sorry what I wrote upset you. Andrew all I ever wanted for us was to be friends. You pursued me. You came to meet me because you expressed that was what you wanted. When you arrived I was ok for us to take things slow and you kissed me. I had a nice time that week and I thought you did too. On New Years Eve I was ready to go to Time's Square which would have made sense if you were not attracted to me. You declined and wanted to be alone with me.
Then you turn around and tell me that you were never attracted to me - that you were making the best of a bad situation. Even if that was true how mean and hurtful. You could have opted to go home - or just stay as my friend and not use me for your own sexual gratification. I would have done anything to make you comfortable. Even after expressing to me that my weight bothered you - you came on to me the next morning. Why fuck me? Because I was in love with you?
Most other women would be a lot less kind to you based on your words and actions Andrew. I have given you everything you wanted and asked for. Nothing is ever good enough. I have remained patient and kind because to be frightfully honest you remind me a lot of myself at that age.
I was head strong, independent, and nothing was ever good enough - nothing I did, nothing any one else could do, it was never up to standard. I was never satisfied. Worst part was I suffered in silence. I was depressed and isolated and I felt like no one cared about me. Like I could die and no one would even miss me after the funeral.
Andrew please know that I am upset at how things have happened. I am some what angry but I am mostly disappointed. I have lost what I thought was a good friend to me. Sex really doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I have lots of guys who want to fuck me, that do find me attractive. I don't say that to be cocky or to hurt you. I say it because while there are guys that want that from me they aren't important to me bc they never wanted to be my friend. I hope you were not lying about being my friend as well. I hope all of the time and effort you put into getting to know me wasn't just so you could get your cock wet in what you thought was a pretty girl.
But sadly based on how you have been treating me it seems that would be the case. I love you Andrew - you are very easy to fall in love with. However I am no longer in love with you. There has been too many things that have been said and done. I don't trust you. I would like to trust you and I would hope that we can repair this relationship so we can be at least friends in the future but I do not believe that is important or of any interest to you.
Regardless I wish you well. Maybe you can better explain your words and actions from your prospective at some point. I am still very confused about everything, mostly because we did have a connection and I thought we were both having fun when we were together. I am also confused about all of your talk about the future and plans based on what you said. I am trying to move on and just have some understanding for you and your position. I know at times what I want and need change from day to day.
You are at a turning point in your life. You have many new thins to deal with, which I am sure comes with a lot of emotions, thoughts and feelings. I will never judge you Andrew. I will help you if I can, I will support you no matter what you decide and most importantly I will love you unconditionally.
I do not expect nor do I want anything in return. I hope you find a sense of peace and what makes you happy in life. But know that you are never truly alone unless you choose to be, so long as I walk this earth.
He replied:
We pursued a relationship because we wanted to. I should have ended it a while back, but I had hopes that it would change for the better between us. Also, I did not want to hurt you. The truth of the matter is that we were never right for each other, there is no such thing as meant to be together, and you have to let me go. One of the main problems was our age difference. It should have thrown up a red flag when you started acting like my mother. Little things you would do eventually became things I learned to resent. At this point in time, it looks like we will never go back to the way we were as friends. I tried to keep our relationship going to make you happy, but now I have come to resent that as well. I don't even want to attempt pretending like we can be friends the same way again. I am sorry if this comes across coarse, but it is exactly how I feel. We can be "acquaintances" in game, but I don't want to receive constant texts and emails from you hearing about how you love me. I doubt, at this point, that we will ever get back together. You stated a point that men are visual creatures, but you want to find a guy that loves you for your mind. I have a solution. Find a blind man. All men are visual creatures, and the types of women they date are based on what visually appeals to them. I thought I could look beyond the visual and love you for just your mind, and I was sadly mistaken. I fell in love with something that was never there to begin with. I'm honestly done with going back and forth about this. I don't want to be a guy you just call up whenever you want. There is a serious cord that needs to be cut, and I have cut my end. Please do not respond to email. I will not read it. The most we will ever be is two people on the other side of two computer screens playing video games together. Here is me saying goodbye to anything more than us being acquainted online.
The cord still hasn't been cut for either of us. Almost two months after the break up and we still correspond via text and phone. Some imitated by me and some by him. We had a conversation after that in which we said we would try to be friends. I had tried to do this mostly out of a sense of guilt. I knew better. I should have never let him pursue me. I was the adult in the situation and despite him being 24, he is in no way fully a man yet. I should have had the intelligence and foresight to know that.
Also because I do feel for him and love him from a human prospective. I can imagine he is a very lonely person outside of what we had. I know for both of us there were so many intimate details we shared. I know things about him that he has no told any one. I would not have mentioned the following personal information except to help you as the reader understand how I came to my second realization.
The second and more important thing I realized is that the times he made these rude comments to me he had been drinking. His "legal issue" he referred to in his first email is his second DUI. He still drinks. No AA, no rehab.
Also because I do feel for him and love him from a human prospective. I can imagine he is a very lonely person outside of what we had. I know for both of us there were so many intimate details we shared. I know things about him that he has no told any one. I would not have mentioned the following personal information except to help you as the reader understand how I came to my second realization.
The second and more important thing I realized is that the times he made these rude comments to me he had been drinking. His "legal issue" he referred to in his first email is his second DUI. He still drinks. No AA, no rehab.
When we were getting to know one another sometimes I would over hear him talking to his father and it would make me angry. I was angry because the way his father spoke to him was reminiscent of how my father used to talk to me before he got clean and sober. It became apparent that his father is either an abusive alcoholic or what is commonly refereed to as a dry drunk(some one who does not drink but exhibits the behaviors of an alcoholic).
Andrew's comments were made by some one who is an addict. When he was here he would eat large amounts of carbs on the morning - sugary ones. He would sneak and eat them. I found it odd but let it go. Alcoholics crave sugar, especially in the morning or late at night when their blood sugar has dipped due to lack of intake. The last two nights we were together Andrew drank. It was the only time he drank all week. I am guessing that the high, then the crash lead to him feeling out of control so when he drank again he and began to feel in control it upset him. I know those feelings. I am the same way with food.
Would crave something - sugar mostly. Eat to satiate it so I felt ok again but then I felt so horrible about myself that I needed to satiate that fix so I would lash out at people. Because I hated myself for needing my fix. I would automatically decline into a behavior that pushed people away from me. Especially people who just wanted to love me because I felt unlovable.
I still don't want to let go of him as a friend. I know he is sick. I know his struggle. I know that there is no hope for us to ever be more then just friends and what he has done would warrant me from removing him from my life. But I can not abandon him in good faith and conscience.
I have not confronted him about the fact that I know he is sick and in need of medical help. When he is ready he will get the help he needs. But I have taken steps to emotionally distance myself to a point where I am not in harm's way.
I am still very sad about all of this. He has so much potential as a human being but I fear that due to his disease and lack of care that he will never realize it.
There are many blessing for me that have come about due to this relationship. After almost a year of not writing I have been inspired to write again. I have also through healing from this, begun to realize what an amazing woman I am. I have had several men who are a part of my life contact me in regards to pursuing a relationship with me now that I am free again.
One of them without knowing what Andrew had written to me wrote the following when I expressed my fear over if he would find me attractive in person:
"Well I'll make you a deal, if I ever become so shallow that your weight bothers me, I'll gouge my eyes out so that I'll love you unconditionally seeing you with my heart and not let my eyesight ever cloud my feelings."
It took me what I feel was too long but I finally came to peace with this situation. I read a quote earlier tonight that said," In order to see rainbows you have to endure the rain."
The rain of hurricane Andrew has subsided and I know there is a rainbow connection waiting for me.
Thank You to all the friends and family who have been there for me through this.
