The Power of Being a Domme

I would much rather be the Pandora's Box or the one who got away. The girl that men love to talk to rather then being the ball and chain at home whom they complain to their friends about because in his eyes she got too comfortable in the relationship and left herself go. I would rather keep my distance and be the shoulder to cry on and the one they turn to for support then to be the one they want to run away from at times because the pressures of being in a committed relationship can weigh on people.

I like being "The Mistress" even it's merely emotional. Being a Domme I get to hear men's secrets, their fantasies, their true desires, wants and needs and I don't have to give into to them. I can ask questions, set the tone, mood and level of depth in the relationship with out having to confer with the other person. It allows me to be mentally intimate with men with out making myself vulnerable. They love me for it. They love to hunt and to chase. There is a built in desire for survival that give men a thrill over doing such things.

The concept of being the helpless princess does appeal to me. But often when I think of the common princesses they are not much different in the fact that they deal with men who have fetishes. Cinderella's prince had a foot fetish, Rapunzel's had a hair fetish, Ariel's love Prince Eric obviously had a thing for water sports and fish. lol Even Sleeping Beauty and Snow white were stuck with me who had necrophiliac tendencies. Although I must say it was fair fetish in Snow White's case because of her thing for midgets.

While I joke about these aspects of life for women who seem to "have it all" I wonder if it is really all it's cracked up to be?


There is always a twinge of jealousy when I see how happy my girlfriends are with their husbands and boyfriends. Then we go into the bathroom and I hear how rotten all their men are and I am thankful yet again that I do not have to listen to fart jokes or clean up dirty underwear at the foot of my bed.


However going to bed alone each night and not having some one, a best friend to talk to that I can be intimate with is taxing emotionally. This is not an easy life I have chosen. Sometimes I wonder if it chose me.


I go between loving this life and my freedom to longing for the white dress and the stale cake.

If I ever did give up freedom for security would I really be me? I would lose my power just as Sampson did when Delilah cut off his hair.

I love the comfort of calling the shots. Of always being in control. I do not think I will ever find a man who is what I want or need. Some one who makes me feel safe enough to let my guard down. 

There is wonderment in being the woman that men desire and want to be with. It is a drug not easily given up. 

Broken

At this very moment I hate who I am and what I have become. I had finally found some one I felt comfortable opening up to fully and completely and he just accepted me for who I am but I let all of my own bullshit ruin any possibility of us having someone real and long term.
I let the bad experiences in my life turn me into a mean, cruel, viscous monster. I saw what love could be and I went from trying to hold on to it so tightly it was suffocating to finding every reason to push it away. In doing so I hurt one of the best gifts I had ever been given. I am a complete mess at this point and I need to pick myself up and move forward but I feel so inadequate to do so.
As much as I want to be angry at him I can't be. This one is mostly on me. He was merely retaliating to things I had said and done in my own foolishness.
It took an Oxycontin and a Perk just to finally fall asleep at 5am this morning. I have no desire to eat. I ate pizza at about 2pm yesterday and a little bit of fresh mozzarella a little while ago but I find myself not hungry for anything.
 I don't deserve him in my life. I don't deserve any man in the context of real love. I am horrible at being committed. I am selfish and demanding and a complete mess. I have ruined marriages and I know my minor involvements in other relationships have destroyed them as well.
For a long time I have had many men who have been there for me as a friend, lover what ever I so choose them to be when I need them. I can pick and choose whom I want when I want and it is tantamount to being a spoiled child. I have never had to make a relationship work because if they fail I have a collective group to fall back on.
My security network. My safety. My comfy blanket. And I have never once considered giving them up for any one until he came along. He so completed me and was just there for me. I abused him greatly. Rather then showing him grace and kindness I pushed him and I broke him.
I walked into the lobby of that hotel Thursday and I knew I should leave. I knew I should go home and call him and beg for his forgiveness for ever putting him through knowing that another man had flown in to meet me and that I was stupid enough to meet him despite finding some one who completed me so perfectly.
I will regret this until my memory fails me. My heart aches for him. When he would hold me in his arms it was so complete. It was like we fit together, as if we were almost made for one another. I hadn't felt that before. I had never felt such comfort in some one.
I know eventually the pain will wane and subside. His smile will be nothing more then a distant memory eventually.
But now my pain is so raw. I would cut off limbs if I thought it would make my heart ache go away. I just wish I could go back to the night before we first met and start over. But I have said and done too much. We have cut one another far too deeply to mend this.

St Patrick's Day with Patrick the Ninja

So he invited me out to dinner at Ninja NY on St. Patrck's Day of all days. Sushi on an Irish Catholic Holy Day? Um Ok.
It was expensive, flashy, very theatrical. Completely over the top. I almost felt like telling him stop trying to buy me, this doesn't impress me just be you. But I didn't. Dinner was fun and amazing once I got past three different people jumping out at me during the entrance. I probably should have warned him that I am not a big fan of being attacked or any simulation there of (that would have saved me some grief at he end of the date also, I will explain later). But the food was amazing and once I was able to calm down and regain composure, I felt ok for the most part. I actually began to enjoy his company.
Then he wanted to go for a walk by the water. It was not a pleasureful slow stroll. I felt like I had to constantly keep up. Heels on the Manhattan pavement were not ideal walking shoes or situation for a first date.  I should have ended the date there. I knew emotionally he would feel defeated and crushed and I liked him. I hated the way he kissed me but he was nice over all. He so wanted to make me happy. He was so wanting to impress me with almost a childlike cuteness.
So I agreed to go back to his place to watch a movie. This was mistake number one (try to keep up because we both make several of them over the next few hours). Once we got there he thought he had emotionally manipulated me into watching The 25th Hour. I honestly was just giving him free reign to see where things would go. Most of the time I am so in control and I honestly wanted to give him enough control to see if he was honorable and considerate.
The movie was actually pretty good from what I remember in between him trying to stick his tongue down my throat and his cock in my pussy. Yeah he was that kind of guy. "Come on baby you know you want it, no one has to know it's just us here," kind of slime bag. He even used those lines as well. I almost wanted to check to see if there was a hidden camera because I felt like I was in a bad porn movie. I honestly felt bad. He spent more on dinner then most guys I had fucked carelessly for free just because I was horny and they were available.
I figured if he is this desperate I should give in. Well that was mistake number two on my part. I saw the stream of condoms he pulled out and thought in the back of my head, this guy is a player. Hardcore. No man buys that many condoms unless he is anticipating using them and Patrick knew his game and he played it well.
He was good only because he has a large cock. Thick, longish but not so long that I can taste him in the back of my throat while he fucks me kind of long. He didn't last more then seven minutes (yeah I timed it) but that was ok because I honestly just wanted him off of me so I could go home. I know it sounds horrible but I felt almost attacked. It was very uncomfortable and I just wanted an easy drama free exit. Needless to say I left there not feeling very safe. What made matters worse was I missed my bus and had to take an alternative home. I tried calling him and he didn't answer. I have never felt so alone in the world.
I never expected to hear from him again. But he kept up the rouse long enough for a second date. This was mistake number three. Because of his efforts I began to rethink his player status. Maybe he was just a misguided dork with no real experience with women. I mean judging by his crassness and his inability to kiss properly maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe he is one of the good guys who hasn't gotten laid much and get his ques from online porn?
All I knew was I was still dating other men and looking because I wasn't sure about him. He was military but he showed no respect or honor the first night we met. He had no patience even though he is supposed to be in the medical field. And all of his behaviors were such a conundrum from what I am used to with men. I think the confusion fueled a curiosity inside of me.
With my back ground in psychology and behavioral modification and analysis, most of the time I am able to predict people flawlessly, he was more difficult then most. His words and actions were contradictory. I can only attribute it to his own background in psych training. Honestly though I do not think he will ever pass the exam process to enable him to practice medicine. He shows obvious pathological tendencies.
The second date went ok. I was in control the entire time, I did what I wanted and nothing more or less.
I shared with him some of my personal information. He was supposed to come out to NJ for the third date which never happened.
This is still a mystery. He said it was school but I know it wasn't due to the fact that he hit on a girlfriend of mine on the dating site we are all on. God men are so stupid sometimes. Why lie?
If it were just me he could have said that. It would have been the mature thing to do. I would have taken it better then being lied to. Lying make me a bit insane if only because the lies my family forced me to keep as a child that caused a great deal of pain.
I think it is because he knew I was seeing other people but he never gave me the chance to commit. He never asked the question probably because he was afraid of the answer.
It reminds me of why I prefer younger men. They are modifiable. Less scared and scarred.
Now that there is almost nothing left, I keep thinking to myself - had we both met younger when we were both less jaded might things have been different? No he would still be pathological in nature and misogynistic.
I am just curious because of my natural disposition to want to know answers to questions.
I don't really care because in the mess and mix of all this, a new suitor as presented himself. He is extremely respectful and kind and amazing. I am really looking forward to getting to know him. Best part about him is he takes his time. There is no doubt about that. I need that. I need to be handled with kid gloves and compassion.

So all in all he pulled a hit and run, fucking Ninja. LMAO I have to laugh because regardless of his intentions to "fuck me" he actually provided me with better options in several areas of my life through his actions.
 
"Karma is a bitch indeed, so when we practice to deceive, the cunt in her will lower her cleave and bring the perjurer to bend his knee." Jayme Lin Rose Luzzi

Hurricane Andrew

11/22/11 He Writes:

I really enjoy the connection I feel we have made. Like I said last night, I look forward to seeing what the future holds for us. I am in, what feels like, a turning point in my life. I have school and a legal issue that I am dealing with, but I’m not worried about that interfering too much. Neither one of us can just drop what we are doing and move closer to one another. I know both of us understand that. Like you said, time and patience is the key to making us work. I want to see us work, and I am eagerly waiting on the day that this will come full circle. There are some things I think you should know about me. I think I am one of the few men left of a dying bread. I am very much into the arts. I love music, singing, and poetry. I tend to be very aware and sensitive to other people’s emotions, and I try to make other people happy. I think that two things I bring to this life is the ability to make people either very happy or very sad. I choose to make friends with people I meet. I feel gifted in the ability to make friends, and I have been fortunate enough to create very few enemies. I can be either very forgiving or very vengeful, and I can hold a grudge for a long time. The ones I love, like my family, are the most important to me. I have had some bad experiences with some of my extended family, and I have become emotionally withdrawn from them. I understand the differences between the uses of the term love, and what it means to be in love with someone. I am not afraid to tell someone I love them, but I never tell someo ne I love them unless I truly mean it. When I am in a relationship with someone, I truly love, I devote myself to her. I like to think that it is very easy to fall in love with me. I made a choice to stay single for a long time, and I am ready to find someone to devote myself to again. My tendency to lay my heart out has caused it to be broken, and I have to admit that I have broken some hearts of my own. My last couple relationships have gone sour, but fortunately the women I dated were not what I was looking for. I am not a one-night-stand kind of guy. However, I have had my share of flings and such throughout the years. If you choose to continue to go down this road with me, I intend on making you fall in love with me. I locked part of myself away from the rest of the world, but I feel that I can show you that part of me. I do not feel that being open with you is risking too much, but I am uncertain of the level of openness that I can have with you at this time. I think you need to know the real me. The more we get to know each other the more I think I will open up to you, and hopefully you will open up to me even more. The emotions I feel for you are teetering on the verge of love. The thought of loving you weighs heavily on my heart with a very attractive appeal. I am looking forward to this experience of falling in love with you. I just have a deep seeded fear of opening my feelings too much to you. I do not know how you will receive this, and I do not know what walls or barriers you have put up around yourself. You have a beautiful girl that you have to look out for, and you have to look out for yourself along with her. Lol. I feel like I just threw up my heart on the floor. xD

Andrew

11/22/11 He also Writes:

I think that little butterfly might speak more about you and your heart than you realize. I can see you have a tender heart. And, just like a butterfly when it approaches an outstretched hand to sit on, you’re hesitant to some degree and yet you maintain an adventurous attitude. You have passed the young caterpillar stage of your life, and you have come out a beautiful and strong woman. You are vibrant and beautiful. Your charisma is like the colors and patterns of the butterfly wing; thought provoking, captivating, and mysterious. Your flight patterns are somewhat sporadic until you find that flower to feed from. And, just like the butterfly, you have your own unique qualities, patterns, and beauty.

Andrew


So I read these things and I allow the relationship to progress accordingly.


11/22/11 I reply to Andrew:


My Dearest Andrew,


I cannot begin to express what a blessing you already are to me. I gave up on the fairytale of finding some one a long time ago. In a lot of ways I have settled my thoughts into the concept that no one would understand me and therefore no one could ever really love me. I feel like the Marina Trench stuck in the middle of the Sahara Desert next to waning puddles.

Men have often tried to live up to what I need to be with great effort on their part. But the fact is that it should be effortless as least from an emotional stand point. I do not respond as most women do in many situations. I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing or a right or wrong thing. My mind is an analytical machine which dictates my emotions quite often. Most women I feel do not have the ability to connect or maybe the more correct term is disconnect their emotions from how they respond. Thus they act in a manner which is often not the most prudent course of action or would offer the best out come. Most men that I have come into contact with have been conditioned into responding to typical women and they don't often know what to do with me.


They can not buy my love or fool me with charm or even subdue me if they do things that are wrong or act in ways they know they should not.

I, like you, often feel as if I can make people feel wonderful in my responses or that I can be devastating to their emotions and ego. I have quite often pushed men I cared for away because I knew that they were not up to the challenge of being a good partner to me. Rather then doing them harm in the long run of knowing that it would not work out I have made the least menacing decision to walk away.

From my initial interactions with you I find you to be more than capable of being a good friend, possibly my life long best friend as well as a good partner to me, if given the opportunity. Last night you expressed the desire which I was unsure of your intent prior too. I find you to be open. You told me private things about yourself that you did not need to share with me. Last night as I fell asleep all I could think to myself was how amazing you are. That you take ownership of you actions - good or bad,but more importantly that despite the fact that you like me and have an interest in me you do not shy away from sharing embarrassing things with me as if I were your oldest and dearest friend. That is why it was a great morning. Who would think a small story about you drooling in class would have such a touching effect on a woman. :)

Before we go further there are a million things I want you to know but I will limit it to the important details that might have an effect on us. Please be aware that these things have effected who I am and I don't often share my personal thoughts or feelings about this with many people.

We discussed the abuse I incurred as a child. We have not gone too much in depth with my personal information after that. As a young teen I was afraid of men and sexual contact. I was extremely uncomfortable with my body. I was over weight so between my sophomore and junior year on Summer break I lost 50 pounds. I went from 180 pounds to 130 pounds. Guys changed from wanting to be my friend to putting their hands all over me. I made the decision then that a person's outside appearance would never factor into my decision on the level of depth or intimacy I would have with some one. I am not traditionally attracted to women but I have had a few relationships with women merely because I felt an intimate emotional connection to them personally.

In addition to that because the weight loss was not helpful in me feeling comfortable with sex or dealing with advances from men. I sought out alternative ways to deal with it so that I could maintain having relationships with men. I slowly developed into what is commonly referred to as a Domme or a Dominatrix. I have a myriad of experience in what is commonly refered to as BDSM but have very little experience in having sex and even less in being made love to. This is so the opposite of who I am as a person and what I truly want out of an intimate relationship. The power aspect of the types of relationships I have engaged in are appealing but what I feel that I really want and need is best described in a quote by Anais Nin,

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

For this to happen I need some one that I can trust. As I told you last night men quite often lie about small things. Things that do not need to be lied about. This breaks the trust I have in them. You have such a good moral compass. You love the details. The other night when I was sending you tells about Snaggle and Beau and how I would protect any of you and not invite them to raid. In my mind I was telling you that I didn't want them there and not to invite them. But you were correct I did not specifically state that. That is how accurate your mind sees honesty. It is so specific and refined. More so then even mine. That impressed me. And I would have been more blunt but I was trying not to steal your man cookies. lol But even more impressive is that you called me on it but you didn't do it in a way that was harmful or demeaning or abusive.

You have just that careful with me prior as well. Telling me the things I need to hear when and how I need to hear them. It is refreshing. It is comforting. Because while many people in general would not welcome the constructive criticism, for me it is an indicator that you respect me as a person and that you care about me. That draws me to you.

Going back and to collectively envelope different aspects of both our letters and things that were said recently: I do have concerns. Your education and legal matters do not concern me at all, they are part of who you are at this moment and I met you knowing that from the start and I accept the limitations they place on us being together. I am a patient person when it comes to others. Things worth having such as an loving caring relationship are worth waiting for. When you love some one you want them to be successful and you want them to be ready to enter into the relationship openly without reservations regardless of the origin.

My concerns lie with me and myself. I have no patience when it comes to myself. My expectations for myself have always been very high. Where it pertains to you and I is how I perceive me. You are in outstanding shape. I am not. I don't fear you not loving me for what I am or that you are even the least bit shallow to care. The time and distance is a good thing at the moment because I know that I need to start taking better care of myself and I still have weight I need to lose prior to us meeting as well as being together as a couple.

I was almost 340 pounds at one point in my life and my clothing size was about 26-28. I am now down to 235-240 and I am in a size 18-20 but I am still not height/weight proportionate. I am only 5 foot 4 and this means that I am still nearly 100 pounds to my ideal weight. I have been putting it off out of my own laziness and quite frankly I hate the way men treat me when I am thin. Between my voice and my looks and my personality I am inundated with leering eyes, sexual advances and inappropriate touching that make me uncomfortable. I know I am pretty and smart and funny - I don't say that out of cockiness. I have been blessed. But just like all fairytales there is always a curse. When I have been my ideal weight I have been hurt in a lot of ways. The weight has kept men in real life at bay.

I need to get rid of this obstacle. This is the largest and hardest barrier I have put up to keep men out. I want your help and support if you are willing to help me despite the fact that we are not close together. Please know that everything you have done so far has already helped me. Just knowing that you are in this world has made me want to take the final steps to being healthy.

I already know that I love you Andrew. There is not much about you that I have found that even comes close to being unlikable. And just like you I am excited like a small child running down the the tree on Christmas morning to see what is there, each time we talk because I find myself being drawn into what we have found in one another and it just keeps getting better and better.

I have tempered telling you my thoughts and feelings due to not knowing how you would respond. Also because I did not want to burden you with my own emotions if we were not on the same path. But just like you I find myself falling and for the first time I don't feel scared because I know I am not alone.

I do agree with you whole heartedly that you are a breed of man that is almost extinct: What happens when two unicorns meet in the woods?.....I will let you know in 20 years :)

Talk to you tonight xoxo




Despite the distance I meet him in real life on Christmas Eve of all days. We spend the holidays together and on New Years Eve he tells me that my weight bothers him. I am devastated. A week of romance and sex and fun to hear that of all things? We dances and drank wine by candle light in my bed room. He presented me with a beautiful diamond and platinum butterfly pendant for Christmas. It was all a lie? He later admitted to me that he was making the best of a bad situation...

At the time we decided to keep dating while I lost weight because neither of us wanted to give up on the relationship. Not long after I told him it would be best if we were just friends. I refused to date some one who could not love and accept me for me.

My heart was broken but I did not want to give up. I refused to accept that this wasn't real. I spent almost two months starving myself, working out incessantly and I lost almost 30 pounds. But I still felt horrible because I was not what he would find attractive. I guess part of me just wanted him to want me again so I could reject him and tell him he wasn't good enough for me?

But in reality I wanted to hear the sweet words again that he wrote in his emails. To feel the love he had expressed prior to meeting me but tonight after many weeks of hating myself because I thought I had lost his love I realized somethings.

The first thing I realized is that he never wrote those emails to me. They were written to pursue a figment of his imagination. He was never in love with me, he was in love with his elevated perfect image of me he created his mind, all of it merely an illusion.

On a forum out of my own anger and frustration I had posted a question to men: "How could a man fuck a woman repeatedly if he were not attracted to her?" This was after I broke up with him. He became upset with my post after reading it.

So wrote I to him:

Andrew,

I am sorry what I wrote upset you. Andrew all I ever wanted for us was to be friends. You pursued me. You came to meet me because you expressed that was what you wanted. When you arrived I was ok for us to take things slow and you kissed me. I had a nice time that week and I thought you did too. On New Years Eve I was ready to go to Time's Square which would have made sense if you were not attracted to me. You declined and wanted to be alone with me.

Then you turn around and tell me that you were never attracted to me - that you were making the best of a bad situation. Even if that was true how mean and hurtful. You could have opted to go home - or just stay as my friend and not use me for your own sexual gratification. I would have done anything to make you comfortable. Even after expressing to me that my weight bothered you - you came on to me the next morning. Why fuck me? Because I was in love with you?

Most other women would be a lot less kind to you based on your words and actions Andrew. I have given you everything you wanted and asked for. Nothing is ever good enough. I have remained patient and kind because to be frightfully honest you remind me a lot of myself at that age.

I was head strong, independent, and nothing was ever good enough - nothing I did, nothing any one else could do, it was never up to standard. I was never satisfied. Worst part was I suffered in silence. I was depressed and isolated and I felt like no one cared about me. Like I could die and no one would even miss me after the funeral.

Andrew please know that I am upset at how things have happened. I am some what angry but I am mostly disappointed. I have lost what I thought was a good friend to me. Sex really doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I have lots of guys who want to fuck me, that do find me attractive. I don't say that to be cocky or to hurt you. I say it because while there are guys that want that from me they aren't important to me bc they never wanted to be my friend. I hope you were not lying about being my friend as well. I hope all of the time and effort you put into getting to know me wasn't just so you could get your cock wet in what you thought was a pretty girl.

But sadly based on how you have been treating me it seems that would be the case. I love you Andrew - you are very easy to fall in love with. However I am no longer in love with you. There has been too many things that have been said and done. I don't trust you. I would like to trust you and I would hope that we can repair this relationship so we can be at least friends in the future but I do not believe that is important or of any interest to you.

Regardless I wish you well. Maybe you can better explain your words and actions from your prospective at some point. I am still very confused about everything, mostly because we did have a connection and I thought we were both having fun when we were together. I am also confused about all of your talk about the future and plans based on what you said. I am trying to move on and just have some understanding for you and your position. I know at times what I want and need change from day to day.

You are at a turning point in your life. You have many new thins to deal with, which I am sure comes with a lot of emotions, thoughts and feelings. I will never judge you Andrew. I will help you if I can, I will support you no matter what you decide and most importantly I will love you unconditionally.

I do not expect nor do I want anything in return. I hope you find a sense of peace and what makes you happy in life. But know that you are never truly alone unless you choose to be, so long as I walk this earth. 

He replied:

We pursued a relationship because we wanted to. I should have ended it a while back, but I had hopes that it would change for the better between us. Also, I did not want to hurt you. The truth of the matter is that we were never right for each other, there is no such thing as meant to be together, and you have to let me go. One of the main problems was our age difference. It should have thrown up a red flag when you started acting like my mother. Little things you would do eventually became things I learned to resent. At this point in time, it looks like we will never go back to the way we were as friends. I tried to keep our relationship going to make you happy, but now I have come to resent that as well. I don't even want to attempt pretending like we can be friends the same way again. I am sorry if this comes across coarse, but it is exactly how I feel. We can be "acquaintances" in game, but I don't want to receive constant texts and emails from you hearing about how you love me. I doubt, at this point, that we will ever get back together. You stated a point that men are visual creatures, but you want to find a guy that loves you for your mind. I have a solution. Find a blind man. All men are visual creatures, and the types of women they date are based on what visually appeals to them. I thought I could look beyond the visual and love you for just your mind, and I was sadly mistaken. I fell in love with something that was never there to begin with. I'm honestly done with going back and forth about this. I don't want to be a guy you just call up whenever you want. There is a serious cord that needs to be cut, and I have cut my end. Please do not respond to email. I will not read it. The most we will ever be is two people on the other side of two computer screens playing video games together. Here is me saying goodbye to anything more than us being acquainted online. 

The cord still hasn't been cut for either of us. Almost two months after the break up and we still correspond via text and phone. Some imitated by me and some by him. We had a conversation after that in which we said we would try to be friends. I had tried to do this mostly out of a sense of guilt. I knew better. I should have never let him pursue me. I was the adult in the situation and despite him being 24, he is in no way fully a man yet. I should have had the intelligence and foresight to know that.

Also because I do feel for him and love him from a human prospective. I can imagine he is a very lonely person outside of what we had. I know for both of us there were so many intimate details we shared. I know things about him that he has no told any one. I would not have mentioned the following personal information except to help you as the reader understand how I came to my second realization.

The second and more important thing I realized is that the times he made these rude comments to me he had been drinking. His "legal issue" he referred to in his first email is his second DUI. He still drinks. No AA, no rehab. 

When we were getting to know one another sometimes I would over hear him talking to his father and it would make me angry. I was angry because the way his father spoke to him was reminiscent of how my father used to talk to me before he got clean and sober. It became apparent that his father is either an abusive alcoholic or what is commonly refereed to as a dry drunk(some one who does not drink but exhibits the behaviors of an alcoholic).

Andrew's comments were made by some one who is an addict. When he was here he would eat large amounts of carbs on the morning - sugary ones. He would sneak and eat them. I found it odd but let it go. Alcoholics crave sugar, especially in the morning or late at night when their blood sugar has dipped due to lack of intake. The last two nights we were together Andrew drank. It was the only time he drank all week. I am guessing that the high, then the crash lead to him feeling out of control so when he drank again he and began to feel in control it upset him. I know those feelings. I am the same way with food. 

Would crave something - sugar mostly. Eat to satiate it so I felt ok again but then I felt so horrible about myself that I needed to satiate that fix so I would lash out at people. Because I hated myself for needing my fix. I would automatically decline into a behavior that pushed people away from me. Especially people who just wanted to love me because I felt unlovable.

I still don't want to let go of him as a friend. I know he is sick. I know his struggle. I know that there is no hope for us to ever be more then just friends and what he has done would warrant me from removing him from my life. But I can not abandon him in good faith and conscience.

I have not confronted him about the fact that I know he is sick and in need of medical help. When he is ready he will get the help he needs. But I have taken steps to emotionally distance myself to a point where I am not in harm's way.

I am still very sad about all of this. He has so much potential as a human being but I fear that due to his disease and lack of care that he will never realize it.

There are many blessing for me that have come about due to this relationship. After almost a year of not writing I have been inspired to write again. I have also through healing from this, begun to realize what an amazing woman I am. I have had several men who are a part of my life contact me in regards to pursuing a relationship with me now that I am free again.

One of them without knowing what Andrew had written to me wrote the following when I expressed my fear over if he would find me attractive in person:

"Well I'll make you a deal, if I ever become so shallow that your weight bothers me, I'll gouge my eyes out so that I'll love you unconditionally seeing you with my heart and not let my eyesight ever cloud my feelings."

It took me what I feel was too long but I finally came to peace with this situation. I read a quote earlier tonight that said," In order to see rainbows you have to endure the rain."

The rain of hurricane Andrew has subsided and I know there is a rainbow connection waiting for me.

Thank You to all the friends and family who have been there for me through this.

The Big "C": It can stand for Change instead of Cancer (Ways to help adjust your life to diminish your risk of Cancer)

In my life I have witnessed to two of my friends losing their lives to Cancer and several female family members as well as friends battling some form of the big "C" as well. I am not a doctor so this is not medical advice. However I have engaged myself on the topic of Cancer and ways to reduce the risk because there is a strong history of cancer on both sides of my family. I have also verified all of the medical and statistical information with the following sources:

http://www.cancer.org

http://envirocancer.cornell.edu

http://cancer.stanford.edu

http://www.cancersupportivecare.com

http://www.cancer.gov

Earlier this year I went to my doctor for a simple check up and she found a lump in my breast. Luckily after biopsy it turned out to be just a fatty tumor. However it scared the hell out of me. Until now I had only shared this information with two people in my life because I didn't want any one to worry. But I feel as if I would be remiss if I did not share the information I have found as well as the life incident that inspired my search for the information.

I am taking steps to become more healthy so that I can hopefully avoid ever having to face the grim diagnosis of Cancer. I have compiled a mixture of advice and information for my female friends in hopes that they will begin to detoxify their lives as well.

Five Reasons and Ways to Help Reduce Your Risk of Cancer:

1) Learn to De-stress:

Why Do It?: The body responds to stress by releasing stress hormones, such as epinephrine (also called adrenaline) and cortisol (also called hydro-cortisone). The body produces these stress hormones to help a person react to a situation with more speed and strength. Stress hormones increase blood pressure, heart rate, and blood sugar levels. Small amounts of stress are believed to be beneficial, but chronic (persisting or progressing over a long period of time) high levels of stress are thought to be harmful. Stress that is chronic can increase the risk of obesity, heart disease, depression, and various other illnesses. Stress also can lead to unhealthy behaviors, such as overeating, smoking, or abusing drugs or alcohol, and may affect cancer risk. What stress definitely does is lower your immune system's ability to fight off disease and other antigens in your system.

Why Don't We?: Most women are never taught to take time for themselves. As women we take on many roles in life; mother, sister, friend, spouse, daughter and most of us prioritize those roles over making sure we are personally ok. It is how we were all raised. As children boys play with super heroes (most are independent), trucks, robots, functional construct toys. They are conditioned to be autonomous through their play things at an early age. Girls are provided with princesses (all whom have a prince), Barbie (who has Ken and friends) and other service functioning toys; kitchens, cleaning, dress up play outfits which are all structured around their service and socialization skills. Most women don't know how to be alone because we were never taught that as children. Allow yourself down time to relax and enjoy things you like to do alone.

How Can I?: I personally have two spa days a month and now you are all thinking I don't have $400-$1000 to spend at the spa a month. My spa days are not at some fancy salon. I go to The Body Shop or Bath and Body Works, I get my salt scrub, my bath bubbles, I have my nail polish and I do everything my self at home. It is important that women do these things for themselves not just from a fiscal stand point but so we know what is going on with our own body. So on my spa days I have some one take care of Guine and I just relax and take care of me. I do my facial mask, I read, I take a long hot bath and make sure that I feel great from head to toe. It costs me less then $100 a month because most of my supplies I own and they do not need to be replenished every time. The small cost is a drop in the bucket compared to the comfort I get from that time spent taking care of no one else but me.

2) Lose Weight

Why Do It?: Going back to cortisol or hydro-cortisone which I mentioned in the first section. This is the hormone that keeps weight on especially dreaded belly fat. Women store estrogen in two places in their body: reproductive system and body fat. The additional estrogen in a woman's system has been directly linked to an increase in breast cancer development. Estrogen may be implicated in breast cancer risk because of: 1) its role in stimulating breast cell division; 2) its work during the critical periods of breast growth and development; 3) its effect on other hormones that stimulate breast cell division, and 4) its support of the growth of estrogen-responsive tumors. 

Holding on to excess body fat  has been linked to the development of certain types of cancer in both men and women. 

In a study done by the American Institute for Cancer Research in 2009 people with additional body fat had the following increase in chances of these cancers:  The estimates show that excess body fat is linked 49% of endometrial cancers (20,700 cases per year), 35% of esophageal cancers (5,800 cases per year), 28% of pancreatic cancers (11,900 cases per year), 24% of kidney cancers (13,900 cases per year), 21% of gallbladder cancers (2,000 cases per year), 17% of breast cancers (33,000 cases per year), and 9% of colorectal cancers (13,200 cases per year).

Why Don't We?: Most women have more on their plate then they can reasonably carry. We try to be everything to every one. Our husbands and children get to enjoy their actives while we play maid, taxi service, cook, and resident bottle washer. I find it amazing how many of my girlfriend's husbands still go out for beer with the guys or have time to golf and do other actives they still enjoyed while they were single but my friends never seem to have time once they are married with children to even go shopping for new underwear. This is because we allow it to happen. Men focus on their own pleasure - which is not a bad thing. Women focus on making other people happy and public opinion. We will sacrifice ourselves to be able to say our children are stars on the soccer team, and accomplished musicians and spelling bee champions and that our husbands are successful. We find ourselves in our ability to support the other people we love in their success. But where is our success? When do we take pride in ourselves? Most women never learn how to do this because we are conditioned (there is that word again) by how our mothers and grandmothers acted when they raised us. They were/are self sacrificing to the point of losing their own identity outside of the family.

How Can I?: I will first say this. Making time to work out for some women will not be easy. I do not speak from a point of ignorance. As most of you know at one point in my life I weighed over 330 pounds. I am now happily down to 215 pounds and still losing.

Some women have larger families. Families with a number of children who have become accustomed to a certain life style. Making time to take care of themselves on a daily basis will mean working through the changes that will take a community effort from the family as a whole unit.*

For those of you with small children or babies: Start to make time now. Work with your spouse, partner or support team that  helps you with childcare to ensure that you have time to work out on a regular basis.

Working out doesn't need to be hours at an expensive gym. I have been using Tony' Horton's 10 minute work out in addition to going to the gym. His work outs effective take about 20 minutes total when you watch the video because of the instructions but they are a full body work out. They are broken down so that you can do one in the morning, at night or when ever you have time. There are also video games such as Wii Fit and Zumba for Wii that the whole family can enjoy together. Plus there is nothing wrong with riding a bike or walking, going hiking or finding another activity that you can enjoy alone or with loved ones. So be creative and make it work for your life style.

*For those of you will full families and schedules: I would recommend making your children choose to eliminate activities they are involved in if it is two or more activities that require more then an hour a week of your time and attention. Or inspire and assist them to find ways of facilitating the activities on their own with out you. Children need to learn a sense of independence as well as a sense of prioritizing their own schedule. There is nothing wrong with asking or expecting them to be responsible for obtaining the things they want in life on their own. When you multiple the hours spend taking your children to different events 3 children times 3 events times 3 hours a week = 27 hours you are taking away from self maintenance. That is over 100 hours a month which is over 1200 hours a year.

Make sure your spouse/partner understands how important it is for you to take care of yourself and enlist them to help you make time. This may come in the form of them taking on additional responsibilities or even making time to engage in physical activity with you.

In addition I know many women whose children do not help out at home with laundry, cleaning etc. My daughter has been doing chores since she was three years old. She gets paid for doing certain things around the house. This teaches her that our home is also her responsibility to help keep up and that her time and effort are worth money. If your child is older then 10 and they are not earning an allowance by taking care of the home with you, not only are you making your life harder then it needs to be but you are doing your children a great disservice as a parent. Rather then teaching them how to be responsible you are enabling them and being a caregiver when you don't need to. Chances are that if they don't learn that they can take care of things on their own they will continue to rely on you well into their adulthood because they are missing basic life skills they need to survive.

So as hard as it is and hate me for being bluntly honest: tell your kids to get off their asses and make them help you around the house. Some of the things Guinevere does at age eight: Sorts laundry, she collects her own dirty laundry for washing, she puts away her clean clothing when it is finished, takes out recyclables and garbage, feeds pets, dusts furniture, cleans out garbage pails around the home and she is responsible for cleaning her toy room and bed room. She gets paid and money is a subject in school that she has no problem grasping the concept of.

If you need to be honest with your children about why they need to help, then be honest with them. Have a family meeting and talk to them about the realities of the situation. It would be more scary for them to face a parent going through a life threatening illness then to explain to them that you need to take care of your health. A great book to use for this talk is The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. Simple, to the point and it will most likely inspire you children to realize they need to start giving back.

3) Eat Healthier Foods:

Why Do It?: The scientific community is continually studying the role of diet in the development of cancer. Many results are preliminary and more is being learned every day. Research is discovering that intake of fruits, vegetables, and cereal grains may interfere with the process of developing cancer of the oral cavity, larynx, esophagus, stomach, colon, lung, prostate, and rectum. In addition to reducing the risk of developing cancer, the risk of developing heart disease, hypertension, obesity, diabetes, and other chronic diseases might also be prevented by eating more fruits and vegetables. There is also evidence that total fat intake of greater than 30 percent of total calories can increase the risk of developing some cancers. This is especially true when total fat intake includes saturated fat and possibly polyunsaturated fat. Although research studies are inconclusive at this time, preliminary evidence suggests that some components of food may play a role in decreasing the risk of developing cancer, including phytochemicals, antioxidants, and omega-3 fatty acids. Phytochemicals are chemicals found in plants that protect plants against bacteria, viruses, and fungi. Eating large amounts of brightly colored fruits and vegetables (yellow, orange, red, green, white, blue, purple), whole grains/cereals, and beans containing phytochemicals may decrease the risk of developing certain cancers as well as diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease. The action of phytochemicals varies by color and type of the food. They may act as antioxidants or nutrient protectors, or prevent carcinogens (cancer causing agents) from forming.

The list below is a partial list of phytochemicals found in foods:

• Allicin is found in onions and garlic. Allicin blocks or eliminates certain toxins from bacteria and viruses.
• Anthocyanins are found in red and blue fruits (such as raspberries and blueberries) and vegetables. They help to slow the aging process, protect against heart disease and tumors, prevent blood clots, and fight inflammation and allergies.
• Biflavonoids are found in citrus fruits.
• Carotenoids are found in dark yellow, orange, and deep green fruits and vegetables such as tomatoes, parsley, oranges, pink grapefruit, and spinach.
• Flavonoids are found in fruits, vegetables, wine, green tea, onions, apples, kale, and beans.
• Indoles are found in broccoli, bok choy, cabbage, kale, Brussel sprouts, and turnips (also known as “cruciferous” vegetables). They contain sulfur and activate agents that destroy cancer-causing chemicals.
• Isoflavones are found in soybeans and soybean products.
• Lignins are found in flaxseed and whole grain products.
• Lutein is found in leafy green vegetables. It may prevent macular degeneration and cataracts as well as reduce the risk of heart disease and breast cancer.
• Lycopene is found primarily in tomato products. When cooked, it appears to reduce the risk for cancer and heart attacks.
• Phenolics are found in citrus fruits, fruit juices, cereals, legumes, and oilseeds. It is thought to be extremely powerful, and is studied for a variety of health benefits including slowing the aging process, protecting against heart disease and tumors, and fighting inflammation, allergies, and blood clots.

Why Don't We?: Simple convenience and time. It is far easier to pick up a bucket of greasy fried chicken then to cook a home made meal. There are so many products out there that help us to avoid really having to cook. At the end of a long day women are too tired to contend with all the battling wants, needs and food desires of a household full of people.

Taste: Quite often we have the concept that healthy= tasteless. I love food. I love food that is very, very, very bad for me. I have my whole life. It is salty, sweet, fatty, greasy goodness. So I am not sitting from a position of not knowing or being completely 100% perfect in my eating health. However I have started to look at my eating habits and food from a much different prospective since I had my daughter. When I was pregnant I developed gestational diabetes so anything unhealthy I ate could have literally killed Guinevere in utero. Sad that it took that situation for me to realize how food was killing me. I also found ways to get my food fix so to speak with out eating unhealthy items.

How Can I?: Slowly (ok one more time for emphasis) SLOWLY change your eating habits. If you are eating Micky D's five times a week for lunch I am not telling you to just quit cold turkey (as much as I would like to shake you and ask you if you have a death wish) I would say start by making one of those lunches at Micky D's a salad rather then a Big Mac and fries. Go with the unsweetened ice tea rather then the coke or sweet tea. At home it can sometimes be easier to eat healthier. So start moving toward bringing a lunch. Involving the family in meal planning as well as the decision making process in shopping for the home so far as groceries go can help greatly. Guinevere and I make meal decisions together. We find things that are healthy that we both like. I do have an advantage that most women don't have. I have a child who eats vegetables. In fact she loves them.*

Getting children more in line with eating healthy doesn't need to be a fight though. You can add ground up veggies to meatloaf, tomato sauce, meatballs, stuffing, even add steamed and mashed cauliflower to mashed potatoes and kids will never know that they are getting nutrients in foods they love to eat. But making sure the family is eating healthy is what is most important. Use your children, they are a great help in the kitchen. Cooking with them allows you to engage in an activity with them as well as creating a learning experience. It is a tool they can take with them into adulthood so they can function on their own. Guinevere and I cook together often. Ironically time is another topic in math that she excels in. Mostly because she has had to know how to tell time when baking and cooking. She is also learning measurements and how to read labels so that she knows what is healthy and what isn't.

*If you are not a mom yet but you plan on having children the best advice I can give for making a baby that loves healthy foods is to eat healthy when you are pregnant, regardless of cravings. If you treat your body like a free for all junk bin when pregnant, guess what the little life inside you is going to want when it comes out? Answer: Exactly what you ate during your pregnancy. Most women wouldn't dream of drinking alcohol when pregnant but they eat ice-cream, candy and other sugary and salty  junk foods by the gallons. Ice cream and alcohol have similar effects as they both break down as sugar in the human body. So if your children are hard core junk food junkies, sad to say, but it all started with your late night craving during pregnancy. Best Book on this subject: What to Eat When You Are Expecting written by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel

4) Remove Toxins

Why Do It?:  The most frequently occurring known cancer-causing toxins according to type of cancer are listed below:

Lung cancer related to radon exposure; Breast cancer related to traffic emissions; Prostate cancer related to pesticides; Malignant mesothelioma related to asbestos; Lung and colon-rectum cancer related to tetrachloroethylene-contaminated drinking water.

A list of updated cancer toxins as they are classified in the United States can be found on the National Health Institutes website and the International Agency for Research on Cancer.

Additional common human carcinogens include:

Asbestos Benzene Benzidine Cadmium and Cadmium Compounds Nickel Compounds Vinyl Chloride 

Mixtures:The following mixtures of toxins, listed alphabetically, have been found to be carcenogenic.

Alcoholic beverages Analgesic mixtures containing phenacetin Areca nut Betel quid with tobacco Betel quid without tobacco Coal-tar pitches Coal-tars Mineral oils, untreated and mildly treated Salted fish (Chinese-style) Shale-oils Soots,Tobacco products, oral tobacco products, Wood dust 

Industrial and Environmental Exposures:The following types of industrial, occupational, or environmental exposures, listed alphabetically, have been identified as carcenigenic.

Aluminum production, Arsenic in drinking water, Auramine, manufacture of Boot and shoe manufacture and repair, Coal gasification, Coke production, Furniture and cabinet making, Hematite mining (underground) with exposure to radon Involuntary smoking (second-hand smoke ), Iron and steel founding, Isopropanol manufacture (strong-acid process) Magenta, manufacture of Painting (occupational exposure) Rubber industry, Strong inorganic acid mists containing sulfuric acid (occupational exposure to), Tobacco smoking

Why Don't We?: Because it's easier to not pay attention. I could go on an on with cancer causing agents. There are far too many to list and far to many ways to become exposed from home as well as work and other areas that we come into contact with in our daily lives.

How Can I?: A best practice for getting rid of cancer causing agents in the home is to use green or environmentally safe cleaning products and personal hygiene products. Make sure you have a water filter on the house to help with detoxifying the the water. If and when you are going to move or relocate your family you can look up history and statistics of different towns and cities online. You can find out cancer statistics in the area as well as other toxin statistics as well as water and air quality. You can also find listings of industrial companies in the area that you wish to move and make an educated decision based on the safety of the area. These are all important factors in keeping yourself as well as your family safe.

5) Remove Any One(thing) That Is Not Conducive To You Being Mentally and Emotionally Healthy

Why Do it?: If you have ever been in a 12 step program they remind you that people, places and things that led to your addiction need to be removed from your life. Similarly people, places and things can often lead to happiness or disater in a person's life. They effect how we think, what we do and ultimately how we live. If there are people and things causing you to have stress and negative emotions; all of the chemicals those emotions and stress create can be conducive to lowering your immune system and raising your risk of cancer.

"Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.

Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.

Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.

Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.

Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny."

I would say to all of you: one in eight women will develop breast cancer in her life. Life doesn't offer a dress rehearsal. You get one chance to live in God's playground. Why stay in a job, a marriage or any relationship that causes you more stress, grief and negativity then it brings joy, hope and love to your life? I am not saying abandon every one and everything in your life that doesn't make you happy but only you can make a change and have an effect on your own personal future.

Why Don't We?: We are conditioned (there it is again) to fear change. We are media fed on the fact that our life should look a certain way. That we need to behave and fall in line. And we again sacrifice our on happiness as women for the other people around us. We often find our identity in our relationships with others as unhealthy as those relationships may be. Best Book: Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson, M.D. It shows people how staying in a situation that is not ideal out of fear can often lead to their own demise.

How Can I?: Depending upon the situation there are a lot of options. If you are in a job that you dislike; figure out if it is the position or if it is the career path in general and take steps to make a change based on what you have figured out. If it is an interpersonal relationship; try to work through things with that person. We all have "toxic" people in our lives. If they are not a relative remove that person, if they are a relative distance yourself from them enough to remain safe. If you are in a marriage that is not conducive to your happiness and well being: that is the hardest situation to handle. While I have never been married I can tell you that if both partners are willing to try to make it work and they put forward an honest effort, the relationship will get better. But it takes time, counseling: individual as well as couples and effort. When I say things will get better, better may mean that the couple realizes they are better off apart then together. But at least the issues will be addressed and worked through rather then remain stagnant.

If your partner is not supportive, or if it is worse; they are abusive or have some type of addiction issue, your choice becomes a much more difficult situation. I will ask you to think about this: Think of the value of a human life.Think: If I were to sell myself into slavery for the rest of my life and some one asked me what price I wanted for myself, what price would I pick? How much would you ask for? Then once you have picked a price (if you can fathom a price for your life) Would you trust your spouse with that money? How would they spend it? If your answers are not positive ones or if you can not even fathom a reasonable offer; then why give your life to some one who is not willing to build a positive future with you or can not do so because of their own issues? Why commit yourself to some one who can not be a supportive loving partner to you in the way that you can be and have been to them?

Ben Franklin said, "Those who give up freedom for security neither deserve nor should they be afforded either one."

This "how to" is not so easy and I know many people believe that marriage is a life long commitment which is why it is one I have not taken lightly.

But life for many of us is fleeting. Before we know it our body and/or mind are diminished, thus limiting our ability to enjoy even simple things. When you look back at your life will it be filled with happy memories and love? Or will it be filled with regrets and "what if's"?

The best advice I can give, is that every one should try to make wiser choices about what you do with the time you have been given. Both how and with whom you spend it with. We could all use more love, more patience and more understanding in life. Just make sure the people you are committing yourself to are worth your time and effort. That much I am an expert on because I have spent more time, effort and emotion on people who were not worth it from the prospective that they just didn't care about me as a person.

But as Dr. Seuss said, "Unless some one like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

As women we need to take care of ourselves because we are the life givers to the world. We are the caretakers of the next generation. If we are dying and sick due to lack of care(self or external), the world will lose it's faith and it's hope and it's love.

I hope this helps. God Bless.

But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Fate

Some one recently told me that there is no such thing as fate. I should temper that statement with the fact this person also told me I should find a blind man if I wanted a man to love me for my mind rather then my body.

I do believe in fate. I think it is a mixture of decision and luck and today I was proven right again. In order for this blog to make sense to most, you should know a little back ground information about me. I have always lived an active life style but my weight as always been an issue for me.

I was very badly abused, sexually from ages 8 until about 13. That was when I started to gain weight. During my freshman year of high school I was also raped by a classmate at school. At that point I emotionally collapsed. There was a myriad of other things going on in my life that were detrimental to my metal health and after a failed suicide attempt I finally got some sorely needed therapy.

I didn't quite realize how much the sexual abuse and rape effected me until I went from 160 pounds in weight at the end of my Sophomore year to 130 pounds the beginning of my Junior year. Rather then being the fat, funny girl that guys just wanted to be friends with I became the object of attention. The Senior Class President who was also Co-Captain of the Football team and class Salutatorian took an interest in dating me. I soon became the “It” girl of my class.

All of the attention (while I did enjoy it to some extent) was over whelming. Once my relationship with the man of the hour ended and other men started showing an interest in me, I began to gain the weight back. While I didn't want to admit it at the time I hated being sexually objectified.

Situations with men left me feeling vulnerable and sacred. It altered the course of my life. I made my college decisions on fear rather then pursuing my dreams. Each decision that I made spiraled my weight gain out of depression.

My interpersonal relationships with men were always strained. While I longed to find a man whom I could love and trust it always seemed to escape me. I found ways to avoid difficult sexual situations. It is no joke or coincidence that my character name means Sexual Dominance. I am what is commonly referred to by many as a Domme or Dominatrix. For a long time it was merely my way of being able to have intimate relationships with men with out having to deal with the discomfort of traditional sexual situations.

I thought I had finally found real love and a good relationship in my daughter's father. However when I got pregnant he abandoned me after being in a relationship with me for over four years.

This simply fueled my distrust and lack of over all belief in men even further. But at the same time it became a turning point for me.

I was tipping the scale at 333 pounds. I jokingly said I should make a wish at the doctor's office during a prenatal visit. The nurse said you should wish that both you and this baby make it through this pregnancy at that weight. Very cold, very mean but it hit home with me. Sometimes blunt honesty is what people need in order to make a change.

During my pregnancy I lived in even more fear but it was a different kind. I feared that anything I ate or did could have a negative impact on my child's health. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes so I had to monitor my food intake and blood sugar levels as well as my stress levels.

I went from the 333 pounds to 285 pounds post pregnancy. Since then I have slowly lost another 65 pounds. 220 as of this morning.

So back to fate.... I recently met some one whom I thought cared deeply for me. He made me believe that love was possible. That there was at least one man who could love me for me. However after some very candid conversations I came to realize that this was not so. That my weight was an issue and this turn of events was anti-productive in regards to my weight loss as well as my desire to ever be in a committed relationship.

So this morning I was feeling a bit blah I turned on the tv and laid down in bed realizing I didn't have the remote. I couldn't find it so I damned myself into watching what ever was on. The Dr. Oz show came on and while I am familiar with his show I have never really had a desire to watch it. He had Rosie O'donnell on as a guest.

Rosie spoke very candidly about her weight. Her body type is similar to mine in that most of my body is extremely muscular and athletic except for my midsection. I gain all my weight in my stomach which most doctors state is directly stress related. Sadly I do not have many stress issues in my life that I would consider excessive.

I have two issues that are of great concern to me. This first is a genetic disorder that both my mother and sister have been diagnosed with called Von Recklinghausen's Disease or Neurofibromatosis. I have had other family members diagnosed with this as well. For my mother it has meant a life time of operations (26 with two more scheduled for this year). For my sister it meant that she was misdiagnosed at 16 being told she had cancer and living with a blood tumor in her leg which causes her constant pain and can not be removed with out crippling her, in addition to epilepsy and spinal issues.

But it isn't just that I have family members who carry this that cause me stress. It is the fact that despite my unwillingness to have the testing done needed to diagnose me, I know that I have it as well. They removed one tumor in me at 16 and I refused to let them do anything more after that. The dye that they use to diagnose the tumors almost killed both my mother and sister. While my uncle was not allergic to it after they removed some of his tumors he developed cancer in all the places they operated. He went from being 400 pounds, happy and loving life to 115 pounds and passing in less then a year and a half. Over 80 pounds of tumors were removed from his body.

I know that at least part of my weight is tumors in my body. I have been losing weight slowly so that it would give them time to lessen as they do develop along with body content. So my health is my biggest source of stress in my life. Worrying about what the future with hold for me, medically is a major concern. There is no confirmed treatment for this disease. There are operations for tumor removal (they can grow back and the new tumors as well as the old can be cancerous) as well as other ailments that are affiliated with the disease and there is pain management. Other then that there is no form of confirmed treatment as it is a genetic disorder with not a lot known about it.

I know many people wonder: Why not get it diagnosed? One simple reason: Guinevere. When I got pregnant and subsequently after I was consider medically un-insurable based on my weight as well as the gestational diabetes. I have been working toward getting h/w proportionate so that when I do pass she does not have to worry about my burial expenses and funeral costs. Medically if I am diagnosed I would become permanently un-insurable so far as life insurance goes as well as long term care. While I do not anticipate needing long term care I would also like to have a policy for that so that I am never a financial burden on her as she is my only child and probably will remain as such.

So these things worry me and stress me. Not much else other then having to deal with men in the real world is a major stressor for me.

Men who are submissive provide me with no discomfort but ideally I can never have a romantic involvement with them. My preference is not to be the rock in the relationship always providing stability. I would really enjoy finding a man who lets me be the balloon on occasion. Whimsical and light and not having to deal with the harsh realities that I bath in as a single mother and head of the house hold.

But dealing with men and them finding me attractive on an ongoing basis, especially when I have not expressed a desire for the attention bothers me greatly. I am driven by my intellect and emotion. Unless some one makes those types of connections with me, they can be the most handsome man of all times but they would hold no sense of attraction for me unless I find them to be a good, honorable and worth wild person to get to know. In fact I have met some very visually appealing people who repulsed me to the point of ad nauseum based on their behaviors.

So back to fate yet again....listening to Rosie inspired me because she spoke about weaknesses and how her sexual abuse effected her body image and weight. She spoke about how advances from men had caused a subconscious reaction in her, no matter how tepid the advance, it inspired her eat because she was uncomfortable and food was her comfort. I broke down because I can so relate.

While I joke a lot about sexually charged topics, it is a wicked defense which throws men off and keeps most at bay until I have come to a point of comfort with them. If I beat them to the punch line about doing something sexual with me, it allows me to maintain my control. It puts me in the driver's seat rather then being left with feelings of being victimized.

Listening to Rosie was cathartic and I feel a catalyst to fuel my weight loss forward. Recently a chain of events has made me realize that I am still very uncomfortable with unwanted advances from men. That I need to deal with those feelings in order to effectively deal with the weight loss.

In addition to my other inspirations I also learned that the added weight is also conducive to the development of cancer. While I know that my time on this earth may not be as long as most I would like to remain as healthy as possible so that I can enjoy every minute of it with the only person who has ever loved me unconditionally(and probably will ever be the only one), my daughter.