MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
Most people would have read this and cried. It just made me salty but not in a weepy way. First off the woman who was the wife wins no merit from me for keeping her illness a secret from her husband. While he is no saint for cheating, I know that animals who are not hungry do not hunt. Had this man's wife trusted in her best friend the seriousness regarding her disease and kept him in her heart as the person she married rather then lying, he never would have gotten that far in his disloyalty to his marriage.
That is where I will begin with this blog
Why does every one assume that it is the cheating partner's fault when it happens? Even a starving house cat would scoop up a mouse for sustenance. We are all in our most basic form, animals. When our needs are not met for an extended period of time we will and often do find a new source for what is needed. I am sure most women will crucify me for saying this but I do not believe that the male human being is meant to be monogamous. There are several hundred thousand geniuses of species that roam this planet where one male services and mates with several female. The concept of monogamy was brought forth for three simple purposes:
1) to limit the spread of disease
2) to limit inbreeding
3) because women pushed for it to become common place in Anglo-Saxon, Christian, Puritanical Society.
Some cultures and societies that still exist today allow for men to have multiple wives for different purposes. But I digress on this area of the topic and go back to why people cheat.
People cheat because one or several if not all of the following are not being met: Emotional needs, Physical needs and/or, Psychological needs. There is a small percentage of sex addicts that do exist but those people are not usually drawn to making serious commitments to one other person due to their intimacy issues.
So lets focus on why men may cheat on women....
As a woman I have often had the unrealistic expectation that the man I am with has such a connection to me he knows what I need with out me telling him. This modern assumption can and will lead to the break up of your relationships ladies and if it is causing you to be dissatisfied in your marriage; you only have you to blame.
Women need to talk to men about what their needs are that is the first step in not having your man stray.
The second step is listening to him and respecting him. I see way too many women be disrespectful and rude to their male partners in public. This does not endear him to you ladies. It will cause him to seek out some one who does admire him and will listen to him.
The third is knowing your man's limitations. Don't ask more of him then he can handle. Men are not women, they can not do all that we do. The old saying is a man's work is from sun to sun, a woman's work is never done. I joke about it but it is true. We all need play time but fact is woman have sought to change the rules not men. Women want careers and family and to keep up with the Jones. Most men would be happy with a good home cooked meal at the end of the day and a woman who actually enjoys fucking him. They are not complex creatures. It is women's wants, needs and desires that have placed so much pressure on the American male. One child isn't good enough - women are now seeking to have litters of children they can not handle or afford. They expect their male counter part to assist in running the household and taking care of the children in addition to bringing home a decent pay check. Remember ladies we were created to be help mates to men not the other way around. In primal cultures women took care of the home and children and men simply hunted. That is all. We have been the ones who now want to be the hunters and we are expecting men to play house. Well no wonder they have now created many different venues to maintain their manhood. Can we honestly and blindly blame them?
So lets focus on why women may cheat on men....
For some women at least for me it stems back not my inability to communicate my needs to my partner. It is also the ease in which I can get men to pay attention to me if I want it. Dissatisfaction + Opportunity = Disaster. I have often found myself in situations where rather then making an effort to be heard because let's face it most men are as deep as a waning puddle in the Sahara Desert that I would simply rather find comfort with some one else. Sometimes out of spite. If he won't listen, If I am not being heard to fuck him I will fuck some one else. But this is nothing new. Queen Guinevere cheated on King Arthur with Sir Lancelot centuries ago so this type of pattern has been emerging for a very long time. But for women cheating goes beyond a mere simple need for physical intimacy. It is an indication that the relationship she is in is very emotionally unhealthy.
My point in this post that that cheating is not a one sided issue. Both partners are to blame not so much for the act it's self but in not maintain the relationship and communicating, or in staying with a partner who is clearly not focused on what is important: The relationship. Whether it is a wife who has sexual hang ups or denies intimacy based on personal issues and illnesses she is refusing to share or a man who can not express himself emotionally. Both partners are to blame when one commits an act of infidelity.
I feel it is time to stop vilifying people who cheat. Not everything is as black and white as it may appear.
