Well the other night my disillusionment came to a screeching halt. I managed to put two and two together and figured out why he didn't bring women to his apartment. The home he rents belongs to his " 38 year old, nosy, female landlord who lives close by." His words, not mine piled together over years and several conversations we had. His female best friend owns the home. Which explains why he tries to save her money and manages the property for her. None of this would have phased me if he had just told me rather then using all of those most flattering phrases at different times to not tell me it was her who owned the house. But after asking him on several occasions and having him side step me on a direct answer just goes to show I am nothing but another piece of flesh to fuck and lie to.
At least the lie was good this time. Last time we dated I knew he didn't really care about me as a person. It was about how we made each other feel. It was mutually meaningless on both parts. Until I got to know him then and well, I will say this it's sad when you think you love some one more then they love them self.
Truth is in a professional setting, as a friend, with any one who doesn't fuck him, he is a great guy. When it comes to women he has so much baggage, as it turns out love doesn't conquer all.
When I confronted him I wasn't angry. I just felt sad and stupid and I told him that. Sad because he felt like he needed to lie to me and stupid for not seeing it sooner. He accused me of being jealous and he proceeded to scream at me on the phone at two different times. I simply hung up. Then he left a very angry, profane message on my voice mail.
It was then I realized that he just didn't respect me as a person. I am not even his girlfriend. What in the hell would give him any idea that he could ever speak to me that way? It was this behavior that lead to us departing the time prior.
I sent him this email:
Dear Joe,
I get home and I go to email you a message on facebook to explain things and find out you have blocked me completely.
I have always wondered why you are so against bringing women to your house. Then it dawned on me. Why you would never tell me who owned the house but you said she was a 38 year old woman and you were trying to convince her to sell it to you. Why you would actively want to help your land lord save money - then tonight when again I offer to come over and see you and you declined - I put it all together in my head. It's not that I don't want you to take care of your father or that I have anything against your friendship with June. It wasn't even about all that happened tonight but the events were the catalyst for me putting two and two together.
I got upset because I realized you withheld important information from me. Which means you still don't trust me. And it wasn't just that it was that I was willing to trust you with my body, my home, my heart and you still you keep lumping me into the same category with every other woman you have dated or slept with. I wasn't angry at all I was just sad and I told you I felt stupid. Despite every thing I have been through with men and even though you hold some of the same traits as men who have done a great deal of harm in my life, I never allowed myself to believe you would do the same things to me that they did.
You know something. If you ever do find some one that you fall in love with you will understand that you love them for everything they are as well as everything they are not. You appreciate the people in their life regardless of the situation because they are part of the person you are in love with.
When I went to the Renaissance Fair last week, I had my cards read. I know most people thinks it's nuts. Woman told me I was stuck and tongue tied. That I had a lot invested in something or some one but wasn't fully committed to it or them. That I needed to make a decision because it was all or nothing and open my mouth and tell the truth. I knew it was about you. I was still skeptical about a lot of things. So I really had to assess if I was willing to lose you over issues that really weren't all that important in the grand scheme of things. Like a title, or a ceremony or a bad habit or two.
Truth is I fell in love with you years ago and then you made it clear then I was just your whore. I wanted things to be different now and I told you that. I would have been extremely satisfied with being a friend with benefits- emphasis on friend. When I said I would trade anything to be in June's place it's because you respect her and you cherish her friendship. When it all came down to it rather then having confidence in me and listening to me the way you might if I were her - you made it clear once again through your words and actions I am just your whore. Joe I was under the illusion that you cared about me. I realized tonight you don't like me, you like how I make you feel. There is nothing wrong with that. As I said I know my lot in life, I don't need any one to remind me. I am just your whore and I know that. Anything I felt between us was obviously on my side only judging from how you reacted and treated me tonight. I am sorry for my assumptions that I meant something to you, they were foolish and wrong.
I am sorry things didn't work out. All relationships end eventually. I am sorry that this happened on the eve of your vacation. Joe I wish you all the best. Good Luck.
Love Always,
Jayme
Joe proceeded to send me a text message that said "I am sorry you feel that way." I responded, "How should I feel." We retorted back and forth at seven am prior to him leaving for his trip. We agreed to skype when he got to his destination. When he got there he informed me that there was no reception in the room, only the lobby.
I emailed him this:
Go have fun with June we can talk when you get back ok? :)
He sent me an email saying he was sorry as well as two others telling me how hot I was and encouraging me to send more pictures:
"I unblocked you on facebook, I just thought you were being a Psycho, SORRY, my fault. My sis says dad is better, I was just really freaked out that night and not paying attention to your feelings, Sorry."
This was my reply:
Joe,
I accept your apology and I really would have preferred to talk about this when you got back. The way you acted that night, you were acting psycho. You screamed and cursed at me for no reason. I wasn't angry and I told you that.You didn't even give me a chance to explain myself. If you will remember it was that exact behavior that caused us to stop speaking 5 years ago. Actually it's funny because when you yelled at me then you said to me this is my job you don't fuck with my job. It was about the fact that I was the one who had spoken to you about your boss having an insurance policy for you and on you. My manager at work pressured me into emailing your boss. Between him and the fact that Guinevere and I were living in a shelter at the time I did it. I really could have used the money for an apartment. But I was too ashamed to tell you. You refused to talk to me after that. I figured I would never hear from you again.
I think we need to dial things back a bit until you learn how to trust and respect me. Whenever you get upset you assume I will react like every other woman so you treat me as such.
There is nothing in all three emails asking me how I am or telling me that you miss me. You aren't obligated to do either, but at the same time I can not be a back and call girl for a man who doesn't care about me as a person. This is my fault, I have not set any boundaries with you, I have not held to my own comfort zone because I wanted to take a chance that this might be something more then it was last time.
You know I get you. I know you suck at commitments and talking about your feelings. And I accept those limitations. Any man can buy a ring or say I love you, neither of those are hard to do. The hardest thing I have found for men is to be completely honest with one woman and respect her as an equal. Until the other night I thought I had that with you. Until that point I felt so special because not only were you sharing your fantasies with me but you were talking to me about important things in your life.
I also know the reason you are so tepid about ever getting really involved with me is because of Guinevere. You are one of those men who likes his life the way it is and having a child in your life means you can not come home every night and get naked. It means not being able to jerk off when ever you feel like it. Having a child alters life, period. Children are a sacrifice, but the rewards are so incredible that the small adjustments people make to have them is really worth it. At least from my prospective. If you will notice there are certain things I have adjusted in my life but I am still me. I still have my play time and I keep my home the way I want it. But I knew going into parenthood that if I didn't raise her properly from the start I would end up like every one else who is a slave to their child's every want and desire. I know the thought of even facing parenthood probably scares the fuck out of you. Trust me before I became a parent is scared me also. It all about ignorance and experience.
I was willing to fore go my wants and wishes because I really thought what we had was special. I thought I was different to you. Now I feel like I am just part of the dog pile of pussy in your life Joe.
When making ham and eggs; the chicken is involved, while the pig has to sacrifice it's life for the cause. I have allowed you to be the chicken. You get to lay the eggs and keep your life and comfort. I was willing to be the pig and go to slaughter as I am for any man I love. And sacrifice my life for the cause because I believed in it. Going forward I am going back to being a chicken until you are ready to be the pig.
If you want to send me a friend request on facebook feel free. When you block some one it removes them from your list of friends. I am sorry Joe I just can't keep putting my self out there while you play it safe.
We can talk when you get back.
Jayme
He tried calling me twice. Since I was on my way to work and at work when he called I did not answer out of fear that he would yell at me again. The night prior he embarrassed me in front of several coworkers both times because I wasn't expecting him to curse and yell. He hasn't called since then.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My heart is just beginning to figure out what my head knew all along. That men will always love me for how I make them feel and not for who I am. Once the Domme.....always the Domme.
