Sense of Serenity

I haven't written much this year and I am about to implode from all the thoughts and feelings I have been having lately.

This Summer was one of the best/worst Summers ever. I had friends who betrayed my trust but I made some new ones who are amazing. I have had many good times but some major frustrations in my life.
My high school sweet heart Scott whom I had no seen in about a decade finally resurfaced on facebook. I have held a torch for him for 22 years. Sad, pathetic and abnormal as it is I think a part of me will always be in love with that shy awkward geeky boy who walked into my life when I needed a friend. He is now an accomplished doctor. I was so excited. Like I finally had something go right in respects to having him back in my life. But soon enough after many cancellations and the death of his best friend on the eve of the night we were supposed to get together I realized, sometimes you can never go home again.

So I have been depressed and preoccupying myself with some wonderful and entertaining suitors. I have an adorable lawyer who gives me this sense of peace about my weight. I am on the skinny side for the type of women he enjoys. The fact that an accomplished and intelligent man enjoys larger women and he is attracted to me is a huge confidence booster. However the sad part is that it will never ever go any where. He is against children and alas I have one. He is head strong and selfish which I love because it means that when he is giving to me it means more to him then to other men who are not. There is a turn on in getting tough men to bend to my will and have them pay attention to me as if I were the only woman they were interested in. There is also this sweet, sensual bear of a man whom I will refer to as Egon. He is just such a sensitive soul. He lacks confidence to handle anything substantial but our private time together is so comfortable to me. I could easily see him being my husband. Just lying in bed next to him sharing secrets, thoughts, feelings and emotions for a life time. He is generous and such the antithesis of the lawyer in many ways. Very empathic, selfless and caring. So between the two I have the giver and the taker.

I am entertaining others but these two I have seen multiple times both sexually as well as non sexually. I have a couple of young boy toys who are sweet and shy. But Friday I met a new contender. Some one quite unexpected at my party. He is fantastic sexually. Since then there has been very few hours outside of sleep that we have not been texting one another. I have to say that yes I am an attention whore and his replies to my messages are a huge turn on. He is a teacher who has had a rough past in respect to loving women. There is this desire in me to want to keep him all to myself. Part of me knows that I could possibly do that but I want to find out if I can keep his attention while giving him his ultimate freedom. I feel as if I give him some time and space that it will actually lead to something deeper and more meaningful down the road.

All in all I can say that I finally have a sense of serenity. Like I am in a place where I belong with the people I need in my life.