Shutting God's Doors To Open New Windows

This year has been a pinnacle for me. I started a new business. I ventured out on my own past working for other people and I have started to build my own dreams. Professionally it's been a maelstrom of learning and doing and a lot of fun but also a lot of stress.

Personally a lot of changes have gone on. I feel less attached to my former life and self then I ever have. But I know that if I want to be successful I need to engage more in my adult lifestyle and less in the vanilla aspects of life. This precludes time spent with Guinevere. There is always time for her.

I have been able to gain closure to two very important past relationships in my life. The first was with my high school sweet heart. Despite my young teenage dreams of him being the man I would spend the rest of my life with I have had to succumb to the reality that he just isn't interest in me romantically speaking. I am not an easy bite to swallow for most men. I understand that.

I am glad in many ways that I was able to put that 22 year crush to rest. Then recently my daughter's father asked me to marry him. It was a ring that 10 years ago I dremt of. Now it was just a long hard conversation but much needed conclusion to my relationship with him. We will remain friends for a life time but so far as romance goes it has been put to rest that we are no longer compatible.

This has given way to new suitors and new life in my heart. I am happy and peaceful now that life is proceeding as it should. I often wonder about the coincidences of life. Are they just coincidences or is there some grand design to how things happen?

I am still in debate about my conjecture on it all. But I am happy. Poorer then I would like to be financially, richer in love and friendship. Excited to see what the future holds. Most importantly elated at how I am living life right now: On my terms, being who I want to be and free as the wind in the willows.

Sharing Secrets Has The Power To Heal

Recently I met a man. Intelligent, sweet, funny and engaging. He shared with me his deepest secrets about loving to feed women. This is a turn on for him.

Needless to say at first I was a bit in shock because I had never met a man who was turned on by that sort of thing. Having been into BDSM for 24 years of my life one would think I would have come across this by now. But it is all new to me.

His secret gave way to me opening up and telling him some of my fantasies. Since I could drive I wanted to go to every drive through fast food place and get all my favorite foods all at once and see if I could eat everything. Despite the stomach ache I know I would have after as well as the intimate acquaintance with my porcelain god,  this fantasy feels as if it would be gluttonous heaven. I know it sounds horribly wrong and sick to most people but I love food. Just once I would love to gorge myself on every very bad food all at once.

I told him this and rather then being disgusted he wanted to be part of my fantasy. This made me feel bonded to him in a way that I have never felt with any other man before. I had rarely shared even part of my dirty little fantasy with any one and have spent a long time being scared of indulging in it. I fear the looks of the people at the drive through when they see all of the bags in my car. Or the looks of my neighbors as I would bring it into my home. If I were thin people would assume I was having some sort of party but being fat people make other ugly assumptions when they see lots of food in your hands.

For me over eating has happened when I was sad or angry. It has been a shame filled dirty secret I have lived with for years. I used to joke with people that I was bulimic but also a procrastinator so I would binge and  be to lazy to throw up. It was more then a joke. It was me finding humor in a painful truth.

I am not quite sure that two wrongs ever make a right, especially in this case. Both his desires and mine are completely unhealthy. But like a match to gasoline it ignited our friendship. More importantly it gave me a sense of comfort to know that I wasn't alone in this world.

I get his desire to feed women. I take great pride in cooking and feeding people. I love it in fact. So I understand his prospective well. I get the association of food and sensuality. How it is a turn on to be in control of feeding some one and to give them pleasure. Any one who has seen 9 1/2 Weeks has seen the food scene which is fun and sexy and extremely sensual. There is no denying that.

9 1/2 Weeks: Food Scene

But this is more then that. I had never met any one who just accepted me for me as completely as he does. This was one of the worst traits I felt I had. My inability to control my eating habits and thus my weight loss or gain has plagued me my entire life.  With out batting an eye lash he just accepted that part of me as well as many other aspects of who I am. Most men struggle with accepting me or parts of my life. I find that so impressive about him.

Over eating always held a sense of pain with it because of my reasons for doing it. He has given me a much different prospective on it. He has brought light to a dark area of my life. He gives me this sense of peace in respects to who I am as a person in a way I have not ever felt yet. I love it. There is a part of me that is tremendously grateful for this sense of acceptance.


Not sure how I feel about indulging in our shared passion often, unless it is healthy items like salad or fruits and veggies. But at least it has healed some old wounds for me. It has given me a sense of closure that I needed. The ability to feel ok in not being in control all the time in respects to my eating.

He is fast becoming one of the most important people in my life. For the simple reason that he just accepts me for me.

I can not ask for anything more nor would I want to. I feel lucky enough just to have found him. It's been a long time since I had some one other then a family member that I could truly call one of my best friends.

Sense of Serenity

I haven't written much this year and I am about to implode from all the thoughts and feelings I have been having lately.

This Summer was one of the best/worst Summers ever. I had friends who betrayed my trust but I made some new ones who are amazing. I have had many good times but some major frustrations in my life.
My high school sweet heart Scott whom I had no seen in about a decade finally resurfaced on facebook. I have held a torch for him for 22 years. Sad, pathetic and abnormal as it is I think a part of me will always be in love with that shy awkward geeky boy who walked into my life when I needed a friend. He is now an accomplished doctor. I was so excited. Like I finally had something go right in respects to having him back in my life. But soon enough after many cancellations and the death of his best friend on the eve of the night we were supposed to get together I realized, sometimes you can never go home again.

So I have been depressed and preoccupying myself with some wonderful and entertaining suitors. I have an adorable lawyer who gives me this sense of peace about my weight. I am on the skinny side for the type of women he enjoys. The fact that an accomplished and intelligent man enjoys larger women and he is attracted to me is a huge confidence booster. However the sad part is that it will never ever go any where. He is against children and alas I have one. He is head strong and selfish which I love because it means that when he is giving to me it means more to him then to other men who are not. There is a turn on in getting tough men to bend to my will and have them pay attention to me as if I were the only woman they were interested in. There is also this sweet, sensual bear of a man whom I will refer to as Egon. He is just such a sensitive soul. He lacks confidence to handle anything substantial but our private time together is so comfortable to me. I could easily see him being my husband. Just lying in bed next to him sharing secrets, thoughts, feelings and emotions for a life time. He is generous and such the antithesis of the lawyer in many ways. Very empathic, selfless and caring. So between the two I have the giver and the taker.

I am entertaining others but these two I have seen multiple times both sexually as well as non sexually. I have a couple of young boy toys who are sweet and shy. But Friday I met a new contender. Some one quite unexpected at my party. He is fantastic sexually. Since then there has been very few hours outside of sleep that we have not been texting one another. I have to say that yes I am an attention whore and his replies to my messages are a huge turn on. He is a teacher who has had a rough past in respect to loving women. There is this desire in me to want to keep him all to myself. Part of me knows that I could possibly do that but I want to find out if I can keep his attention while giving him his ultimate freedom. I feel as if I give him some time and space that it will actually lead to something deeper and more meaningful down the road.

All in all I can say that I finally have a sense of serenity. Like I am in a place where I belong with the people I need in my life.